Hi mates, Josie and Mel here – your friendly neighbourhood terrible reality TV recappers (aka PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s Head of Editorial and senior lifestyle editor). You might remember us from such recaps as Bachelor In Paradise, and I have no other examples because that’s literally all we’ve done so far.
We’ve decided to tackle the hot and glorious mess that is Love Island, but obviously not every single episode because HELLO PEOPLE WE HAVE LIVES and that would involve watching it for 5 nights a week. We’ll do a weekly roundup for you, but we had to kick things off with the premiere.
An important thing to note is that Mel is on holidays in Country Victoria currently but still gave up her precious time to do this recap for us. So grab your miniscule bikinis and your vodka sodas and let’s dive the hell in.
MEL: I started off the night mourning the 10 leopards that had to die so Delta Goodrem could look like Grandma Yetta.
JOSIE: Until I reminded you that Love Island is on 9Go, not 9.
MEL: Fuck, I was watching The Voice for like 10 minutes. There you go.
JOSIE: Props to Channel 9 here, it actually looks like Majorca and not stock shots of the Gold Coast like “Fiji” in Bachelor in Paradise.
MEL: Good lord this show is quality trash. Neon “fantasy” signs on the wall?
JOSIE: Just a few min in and we’d already involuntarily given two girls Pap smears. Did we NEED to open with shots of their butts in bikinis? Was it necessary?
MEL: Hanging around in a bikini is literally my biggest nightmare, like straight up did I shave the backs of my legs carefully, probably not.
JOSIE: I would just straight up never sit down for the entire filming, for fear of my gut spilling over the top of my swimmers.
MEL: I loved Cassidy as soon as she started speaking, she’s an early favourite for me. Talking about the pub she works at: “That’s just the service you get at the Dick”.
JOSIE: Yeah she’s a legend.
MEL: The convo between the girls was a total battle for power. Like the underlying chat was: “Bitch stay away from my tradies and my footy players or I’ll knife you”.
JOSIE: Seriously what body scrub do these girls use? There wasn’t a butt pimple in sight.
MEL: And what fake tan? I need it.
JOSIE: When Erin was like “Where’s the alcohol?” Girl, my thoughts exactly. I literally ran to the fridge to get a wine. I can’t watch this stuff sober. Meanwhile I was howling laughing when Erin was describing her “type”. HAS TO HAVE NECK TATTOOS. I had a coughing fit. But then Cassidy (who is amazing) was like: “I’m not picky, I’m not fussy, just someone who’s not a dickhead”. What a life motto.
MEL: When they were like “personality is important”, oh please. Straight up none of these girls are here for personality they literally all had the most specific types in the universe.
JOSIE: They were all like: “He needs to be a hot dark-haired 6’1” plumber who plays footy on the weekend and has 3% body fat”. The first guy, Josh was such a flog. My boyfriend Julien looked up from his video game and said “you fuckwit” and then went back to what he was doing.
MEL: Josie I saw him and was like I think we have a new contender for Fudge Hair Wax Ambassador.
JOSIE: Ohh like Blake? Jacob? What’s the blokes name from Bachie I’ve already blocked him out of my memory.
MEL: Jake, and same. Mate those ads that were on, I’m gonna buy this Kleva Cooker.
MEL: Wait do you have the same ads as me!! Or am I getting regional VIC ads.
JOSIE: No I have no fkn idea what you’re on about.
MEL: Oh man google the Kleva Cooker you will not be disappointed, a man just cooked a lasagna in it.
JOSIE: Okay. No one picked Josh, that was so awkward.
MEL: I was dying. DYING.
JOSIE: At this point I did not know how the show worked and I thought he just had to go home haha. But then he got to pick a girl, and he picked Tayla who tbh did not look thrilled.
MEL: Hahaha she was totally staring at the ground like “DONTPICKMEDONTPICKME”.
JOSIE: When Justin walked in I was like “Uh-oh, tall brunette. Every girl is going to fkn launch themselves off the platform.” But they did not.
MEL: Justin’s like dickhead Vance Joy, no? I fell off the couch but then the internal part of me who hates fuckheads came out of my body to climb back onto the couch.
JOSIE: Nah, my whole vagina just packed up a suitcase and left. Not keen on him.
MEL: I wasn’t expecting them not to step forward. I guess he’s very PRETTY boy.
JOSIE: Yeah and they want tradies and neck tatts. They basically want Dustin Martin to walk in.
MEL: I feel like none of these guys are their type. They’re extremely like the UK version, which is going to make for EXCELLENT DRAMA later on bc the UK guys were always like complete dicks.
JOSIE: When they showed Charlie posing in his little intro I was like stop pulling your lip down, it looks like you have an ulcer.
MEL: Charlie looked at Sophie Monk with some serious crush eyes don’t you think?
JOSIE: Yes! I hope they end up together like Gretel Killeen and Saxon after Big Brother.
MEL: That would make my life. Meanwhile Millie seemed so smug when she knew Charlie from outside the show. She’s like EVERYONE LOVES MEEEE.
JOSIE: When Grant came out and Sophie called him “Grahnt” I LOLed. His name is GRANT Sophie, you’re not fancy. And then he was a TRADIEEEEE with TATTOOS so the girls finally perked up.
MEL: My sister Kate and I became part of the couch when he walked in. He was so cringey. Everything he said was like a bad bio on a dating app. It’s the bio of every man except for the 0.5% I swipe right for.
JOSIE: He said WIFEY. I was quaking. And then they all launched themselves off the platform at him.
MEL: Coz Josie he’s a TRADIE? TRADIES GET THE LADIES.
JOSIE: When Sophie presented Eden I was like is this man literally a clone of the man who just walked out. Oh god, the Southern Cross tattoo I could not deal.
MEL: Kate was like “new show idea: Love Island, but we give all the men vasectomies”.
MEL: What about how Millie knew Eden somehow as well. Lol at her overly connected life. How have two men connected to her walked in, out of everyone in Australia?
JOSIE: Northern Beaches, they all know each other. Millie would a jillion percent know Jamesy from Bachelor. Wait. Davey. Lol I’ve forgotten them all.
MEL: Lol I just assumed Jamesy was someone on that show. Josie I’m really concerned for Sophie’s sanity having to be around these awful people. Cassidy is the only person I would have a beer with.
JOSIE: Same. She’s cool. Everyone else, in the bin.
MEL: All the promo music was reminding me of my one insane night in Mykonos and I feel nostalgically hungover. Here have a pic of me mixing pre drinks in an alley way.
JOSIE: I’m proud. Can we talk about the villa? This house was so nice and clean and you know it’s soon going to be covered in fake tan handprints and discarded water bottles.
MEL: Literal fake tan butt marks on the white beds. It seems like a mistake to make everything so white given how much fake tan has absolutely been brought into the place.
JOSIE: They should have made the whole place brown. Just like wood paneling.
MEL: Grant talking to Cassidy, Kate pointed out it sounded like a footy interview. “Left it all out on the field. Gave 110 percent.”
JOSIE: I’m surprised he didn’t say “full credit to the boys”. Meanwhile Justin talking about being a kangatarian… he’s got to be a plant, like a comedian put in there for the LOLs.
MEL: Sorry I’m going to become a kangatarian I like his theory.
JOSIE: Erin was so thirsty for Eden, when she was like “It’s going to be so tough being in a bed with him”. Like, I could sleep next to that man for four years and never even touch his penis once.
MEL: Mate with these men I would be in head to toe flanno onesie PJs and also wear my pimple cream to bed.
JOSIE: Same and put my headphones on like “I’m listening to my true crime podcast now, NIGHT”.
MEL: “Do you mind if I use this blanket to roll myself into a burrito thanks”.
JOSIE: Looking at Charlie talking to Natasha I was like wow, this man has big nipples. They’re like pepperoni slices.
MEL: They look regular-sized to me. Have I only been sleeping with men with enormous nipples!!
JOSIE: Yep Mel you’ve dated exclusively Pepperoni Nips.
MEL: Wow I’m so thrown. Kate and I are now discussing nipple sizes so thanks for that.
JOSIE: Oh no Cassidy likes Grahnt and doesn’t understand that this show is trashy. See also: Charlie saying “I hate drama”. Guys you’re on Love Island.
MEL: Tbf UK had heaps of couples come out of it. I have high hopes.
JOSIE: But they’re just Instagram couples, clinging to fame for the free clothes.
MEL: No like Josie legit, Liv and Chris were together for like a year. And Camilla and Jamie are still together. And like proper in love! Its got a better track record than Bachie. I BELIEVE.
JOSIE: I DON’T.
MEL: I’ll make you a believer. Can’t wait for your deep investment in these couples that form.
JOSIE: Meanwhile Erin wasted no time, straight in for the pash with Eden. Mate the lights were still on!
MEL: I love the bed times. I was like GO ON, FUCC FUCC FUCC. I’m terrible.
JOSIE: I love how some of the girls have long sleeves on to protect themselves. They’re like DON’T FUCKEN TOUCH ME. Imagine trying to sleep in that room next to some random person, and with a bloke jack hammering someone in a bed near you.
MEL: Legit I would not even tongue kiss knowing there were cameras zooming in on my mouth. Primarily bc I would be like GOD IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN I KISS. I’ve gotta tell you, these rural Victoria ads that were showing while I watched were a good time. They’re like 90s Godfreys throwbacks, lots of screaming and large price tags thrust in your face. I now need a Kleva Cooker AND a new gas heater.
JOSIE: I was just seeing ads for Pretty Little Thing, and now I need to buy 6 outfits for under $100.
MEL: Meanwhile, I absolutely would be utilising these juiced bros as free personal trainers. Love Island more like MEL LEAVES RIPPED AS SHIT.
JOSIE: I would be the opposite. I’d just sit around eating and drinking.
MEL: You’d be like “7am who wants margaritassss!”
JOSIE: One thing I was confused about, the mobile phones. I thought they were supposed to be cut off from the outside world?
MEL: Oh no they get texts from the producers. At least that happened in the UK and they can also text each other. In the UK one there was an excellent drama with a text reveal between two people from memory.
JOSIE: Text each other? They live together!
MEL: Yeah but SNEAKY text. Like hey I want to lick your face bye.
JOSIE: So Millie and Charlie had that conversation where she was like “yeah, nah our pre-show relationship fizzled for a reason go away”.
MEL: I was listening to him and realised he said “I got the jif”, instead of “gist”.
MEL: Looking at these guys, I cannot tell you how terrible I would be on this show. I’d be sitting there like this permanently.
JOSIE: To keep it in the Offerman/Mullally family, this would be me:
MEL: In short, it’s v. good we didn’t get selected. Also since you have a life partner…but semantics. When they were encouraging Josh to be an asshole re. Tayla, Kate was like “THIS IS WHY WE ARE ALL SINGLE”.
JOSIE: I like Tayla. She and Cassidy can stay.
MEL: Everyone else, bye. Literally everyone else, jump off the edge of the villa and roll down the hill and away from my TV screen.
JOSIE: Also, tag yourself I’m the 3cm of space between poor Tayla and Justin’s over-enthusiastic face.
MEL: I’m the 50 kilos of eyelash extensions being worn at this party. When Kim walked in I was like, oh yes I was waiting for the inevitable bikini model.
JOSIE: Those black belts really kill the vibe of the outfits.
MEL: Also, I was like… is that a bikini with an attachable formal skirt? Josie I think that was a bikini with an attachable formal skirt on Kim there.
JOSIE: I wanted her to dramatically tear it off and dive into the pool.
MEL: We also saw our first sunburn of the season, on that guy whose name I don’t know. My favourite moment was the appearance of a bikini with attachable formal skirt. So there’s plenty of room to grow here, Love Island.
JOSIE: My favourite moment was when the episode ended. Kidding, it was fine.
MEL: Hahaha til next time, mate.