There are no spoilers, my friends. Just humiliation and self-loathing.

Let me preface this by saying I hate horror movies. Anything remotely scary and I am 14/10 a Big Wimp. Also, I hate clowns. But Roadshow Films were flogging fancy It Chapter Two preview screenings so I went because it was free and I’m Asian, and not going would bring dishonour to my cow.

This is absolutely not a proper review. Please do not treat it as one. These are just the charming musings of a gal who tore her jeans watching a movieLet us begin.

The film picks up 27 years after the events of the first one. Bill, Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Ben, and Stan are all grown up now and living their lives away from Derry. Except for Mike. He stayed in town waiting for It to start its vicious, murderous cycle again. So when it does, Mike reunites the Losers to defeat the fucker once and for all.

I watched the first It on Netflix because I sure as hell wasn’t going to pay 20 bucks to see it. Let me just say that my body was so tense throughout the entire film that I woke up sore the next morning. My arms and quads were actually sore. So I was more or less mentally prepared for whatever shit It Chapter Two was going to throw at me. Physically is another story. Within the first ten minutes, I literally farted out of fear. I couldn’t control it. And I cannot say it was the only fart that escaped my butt throughout the screening. At one point I whispered “Oh no” because I thought I had shidded myself and my boyfriend turned to me and said, “Are you okay?”

I was not. But I did not shit myself. My ass was just sweating. I am a nervous pooper, do not shame me.

Anyway, there were so many jump scares I barely had time to recover between scenes. At one point, it was so obvious that a jump scare was coming but director Andy Muschietti or someone on the writing team decided to use a [REDACTED] to throw you off. I LOVE [REDACTED]. I would DIE for [REDACTED] so I was aggressively ticked off when [REDACTED] suddenly turned into a big fucking [REDACTED].

As for my jeans, they were already ripped for the aesthetic. Like a nice mostly clean rip over the knee, courtesy of Neuw Denim. But the [REDACTED] got me so good my body violently jerked, causing my knees to thrust into the air. Then I fell limp and slid down my seat.

For reference, here is a picture of the left rip after the screening – still intact, immune to violent knee jerks.

And here is my exposed right knee. It’s a lot of knee.

You see that patch at the bottom? Yeah, that’s me trying to save my jeans.

In the end I did actually enjoy It Chapter Two. I frothed the cast – Bill Hader‘s performance was a standout – and the humour and the [REDACTED] bit even though it was the main cause of my ripped-ripped jeans. The monsters were ridiculous and so was the amount of fake blood, but the movie’s great – not as great as the first one, but still great. And it’s certainly nowhere near as scary as I’m making it out to be. Again, I’m just a Big Baby. But I would watch it again in a well-lit room on a streaming service, where I can pause and skip and pause my way through it like the Loser I am. It is also two hours and 50 minutes long by the way, but I didn’t feel it.

Side note: Jay Ryan who stars as adult Ben is an absolute snack pack. He’s also the bloke from Sea Patrol, that show that was once on Channel 9. When free-to-air thrived. That’s it. That’s the side note.

The film co-stars Jessica Chastain as an adult Beverly, James McAvoy as adult Bill, Isaiah Mustafa as adult Mike, James Ransone as adult Eddie, Andy Bean as adult Stanley, and Hader as an adult Richie.

Cool kids Sophia Lillis, Finn Wolfhard, Jaeden Lieberher, Jack Dylan Grazer, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Wyatt Oleff, and Chosen Jacobs reprise their roles too.

And Bill Skarsgård returns as Pennywise.

It: Chapter Two hits Aussie cinemas September 5.

Take a shit before you watch it.