Remain calm, everything’s fine, it’s just a TV promo and nothing’s confirmed, but HOLY BALLS all signs are pointing towards Channel Seven having something horrible in store for our beloved Alf Stewart on Home & Away.

Seven is preparing for its cornerstone soap opera to return to airwaves tonight, and promos that they’ve been running for the series are teasing something wicked coming for dear old Alf.

It’s the long-running show’s 30th anniversary this year, and Alf, played by Ray Meagher, has been there for every single year of it.

But these teasers, man… If they don’t bring a lump to the throat and crest the brow with a worried sweat, nothing will.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ALF YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS?

The man is a national treasure. He should’ve been knighted. It should be Sir Alf Stewart, venerated for services to Summer Bay.

This is a man who has overcome literally everything thrown at him by that asshole of a town. Floods, fires, spousal deaths, a brain tumour which he managed to get rid of in like… a week and a half.

And after all that, after thirty years of stoning the crows and flaming the galahs, you’re threatening to just bury him in a pit?

Unbelievable conduct, worthy of national outrage.

Y’know, if that indeed is what winds up happening. Who knows at this stage.

What we do know is that it’s gonna be a big year for Mr. Stewart, and that Home & Away returns tonight at 7pm on Seven.

Strap in, mates. It could be a wild ride.