Hello again, the most elite rose ceremony just happened as Laurina proved why she’s a queen and Douche Daniel goes back to Canada. Other stuff happened too but nothing else matters right now.

Daniel, who spent the entire rose ceremony “planting seeds and watching them grow” with three women nabbed zero roses, ZERO.

Just let that sink in.

Of course he pulled a little tanty and delivered some more stellar words about his departure:

“I’m more upset about not going to the gym.” 

“I’m not losing anything, nah I’m fine. I didn’t lose.” 

“Stale bread.” 

And this one from earlier,

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So the gist is Daniel chatted up Keira, Nina, and Laurina (why do all those rhyme?). So being all cocky and annoying, Daniel assumes he’s in the safe zone. All three women are initially charmed by him but they inevitably come to their senses.

Nina gives her rose to Eden blah, blah, blah and then Laurina’s up. Earlier in the episode Laurina said she was going to give her rose to Daniel because she was interested in him. BUT THEN she gives her rose to “American Jarod” instead because he’s normal and because Daniel is a “misogynist, chauvinistic and-I-didn’t-catch-the-rest-cos-I-was-clapping-pig”. 

This leaves Keira – Keira who had a “sneaky kiss” with Daniel – to make a decision between moist-maker and Jarrod. She literally says “I don’t know”, killing a lot of us before finally saying Jarrod’s name because he is the lesser of two evils.

Daniel’s penis deflates as he’s forced to leave the island with Blake and Mack. 

Bye Daniel.

In other news:

American Jared

Jared, according to our resident bachie-lover is a house favourite. He’s apparently a sweet, sweet angel. If you don’t know about his rather… complicated past then read THIS.

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Grant says, “Jared is the nicest guy I know and he’s good looking.”

But the women aren’t digging him, especially Megan who tries to talk herself out of the date-card-date with Jared. But then she convinces herself to say yes and they talk movie trivia on a boat – their relation-boat sinks pretty quickly and Jared nearly drowns before crawling to shore and wondering why he came to Australia.

Australian Jarrod’s A Werewolf 

As sweet angel Jared says,

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But in Jarrod’s case, he goes bat shit crazy.

Jarrod being angry and upset and jealous is 90 per cent of the episode. He literally cries because Keira’s being all flirty with Daniel and doing the exact same thing he did to her when Ali was first in the picture. Hypocritical? Yes. Surprising? No. Turns out, Jarrod’s just a werewolf who’s passive aggressive, always red, and territorial. Werewolf Jarrod has imprinted on Keira to such a degree he threatens to leave the island while yelling “Piss off Daniel!” and beating his chest.

But then she looks at him and smiles and he feels better again. Ugh.

Honestly, this entire episode was a hot mess and I’m overwhelmed so hit up tomorrow’s recap for all the saucy deets and a fine roasting of the Americans and Canadian.

As always, tweets:

P.S Bachelorette is casting in case you want to be subject of my mini recaps.

Image: Bachelor in Paradise