If you’re a fan of Bachelor recaps or perhaps, PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s true crime / unsolved mysteries podcast All Aussie Mystery Hour then maybe you enjoy the deranged banter between me, Josie (head of editorial at P.TV) and Mel, our senior style and features editor. Even though Mel is actually on annual leave right now and we haven’t done a recap since the godforsaken Bachie, we decided to reunite to recap a bad Christmas movie on Netflix because why the hell not.
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The one we chose was Christmas Wedding Planner, because the blurb read: A wedding planner is in the midst of planning her cousin’s lavish and exclusive wedding when a devilishly handsome private investigator turns her world upside down.
Keyword here is private investigator. Mel and I are both v. into crimey things (hence the podcast), and to combine that with Christmas is like catnip for us. So we settled in to watch the tale of titular wedding planner Kelsey (Jocelyn Hudon) who is about to throw her cousin Emily‘s (Rebecca Dalton) wedding when a handsome PI named Connor (Stephen Huszar) throws a spanner in the works.
Well it turns out the film is not as zesty as it sounded. Boo. Here’s our very full of spoilers review of this batshit caper for your enjoyment…
MEL: Josie hallo. Wow. Hello, even.
JOSIE: Are you in England? Why are you talking like this.
MEL: I feel that was more Swedish but also no, I am in fact in Esperance. Pls hold bc is that wig even trying to be real hair right now?
JOSIE: That woman is on the run from the law and in disguise. Of wait, she’s not the main character.
MEL: Who was that? No one at all? Just no one in a terrible wig?
JOSIE: No one! But I kinda wish she was the main character?
MEL: I want to follow the law breaking disguise woman! Go back to her, movie.
JOSIE: Instead it’s this bumbling brunette girl. We are bumbling brunette girls so it’s not interesting content to me.
MEL: Incredible that she has already had two idiotic accidents in this coffee shop and is meant to be a smooth, organised and focused wedding planner.
JOSIE: Also is she wearing gift wrap ribbon as a necklace. I hate it.
MEL: She really is.
JOSIE: OMG. It’s Lily van der Woodsen!!!!
MEL: It is literally Lily Van Der Woodsen though, like that was the exact same character.
JOSIE: What do we think of that man with the dimples and mysterious stubble?
MEL: Absolutely going to be her husband at the end of this film
JOSIE: They are 10000% going to kiss in the snow at some point.
MEL: Meanwhile, their scone-bargaining is the worst meet-cute in existence. I’d be more entertained if they met in the queue for a bank teller. To deposit some… home loans.
JOSIE: He’s not going to give her the scone. He’s such a cunt.
MEL: Okay I will already say Kelsey should never date that awful man she is 1200% going to date.
JOSIE: I know. I’m sad I cannot ship them. He’s very rude.
MEL: This entire film hinges on us shipping those two, and I literally can’t ship anyone who withholds on the blueberry scones.
JOSIE: Mel, I’m so irritated by the ribbon on the neck.
MEL: The ribbon is confusing, like she’s tied it there for safekeeping for some last minute Christmas wedding planning decor emergency.
JOSIE: I agree. The ribbon is like an afterthought but now she’s at her cousin’s fancy engagement party. Lily must be fuming. Meanwhile my boyfriend just looked up and said: “hey she was in Melrose Place!” It’s like he has not turned on a tv in 15 years. Omg, Stubbles is at the party.
MEL: Omg he’s her ex! He’s the brides ex! HUGE PLOT TWIST I GENUINELY DIDN’T EXPECT.
JOSIE:
1. How did Kelsey not know that, they are as close as sisters?
2. The actual fiancé looks like a serial flasher.
3. Is Kelsey really gonna fuck this bloke, sloppy seconds much?
MEL: Yeah the basic rule of friendship is do not fuck your mates’ exes. Maybe the red neck ribbon is actually Satan controlling her.
JOSIE: I cannot believe this movie has been going for 10 min and she’s been wearing it the whole time.
MEL: Who is Kelsey always messaging? Who receives these life story texts?
JOSIE: I have no idea. Some poor long suffering soul.
MEL: Um ok sorry that vintage dress that has been passed down in the family that Kelsey and Emily are both bagging out is delightful.
JOSIE: I knowww I love it. Someone marry me so I can wear the Wilson dress.
MEL: Side note I don’t think any self respecting P.I. covers a diner table in investigative photos and paraphernalia for anyone to see.
JOSIE: He also told the first person he met, Kelsey, that he was a PI two min after meeting her. Omg that is the worst dress ever.
MEL: Ok I’m sorry HOW IS THAT NICER THAN THE VINTAGE ONE. It has FUR on it.
JOSIE: It’s also the FIRST DRESS she’s put on at the shop. Everyone knows you have to try on 600.
MEL: Why does the fiancé speak like a fucking creep weirdo. “Hooooows everything gooooooingggggggggg”.
JOSIE: He is such a flasher. Like, creepy Peeping Tom vibes.
MEL: He really is. I’m fucking scared of him and Im starting to think this is clearly the point. He’s obviously a Bad Man.
JOSIE: Very bad but tbh I don’t like the PI man either.
MEL: They can both get in the bin. Also, why does she have three heinous women as bridesmaids, like surely you have some better friends?
JOSIE: Like if Kelsey is close enough to be her sister why isn’t she a bridesmaid? NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. Whoa this hot man.
MEL: Ooooh hello hot baker. What he lacks in acting skills he makes up for in sexiness.
I’m insanely confused as to what is going on here right now. Why are we making gingerbread, why is the baker scared.
JOSIE: Why is shop girl here?
MEL: Seriously what the fuck is happening? Is this scene an improv they just shoved into the movie? WHY IS EVERYONE THROWING FLOUR EVERYWHERE. Wait so all of that was just to see the shop girl’s notebook with the message from bad fiancé man.
JOSIE: Why is Emily wearing a tiara?
MEL: Oh my god. Where did she get a tiara from and why?
JOSIE: I’m laughing. The accessories in this film are wack!
MEL: Someone fire the accessory person. Actually the whole fashion team, why is the PI wearing a ridiculously fitted polo?
JOSIE: Oooh okay I’m into this caper. IS THAT JOEY FATONE FROM NSYNC.
MEL: Explain the caper I’m so confused. IT IS OMG.
JOSIE: WHY HAHAHAHA. Am I having a fever dream.
MEL: Honestly if we weren’t watching this together I would genuinely think I accidentally did acid.
JOSIE: The caper is that she’s agreed to help PI look into Probbo Todd. At first she was like “hell nah” but then she saw him flirting with the useless shop girl and now she is suss on him.
MEL: RIIIIGHt that makes more sense.
JOSIE: Why does everything in this movie happen so fast? Wedding dress fitting? 2 min. Cooking a pasta and lobster meal? 1 min.
MEL: This is the thing with these movies, they hurtle along at the pace of a freight train and everyone looks exactly the same. Slash no one has any character development so you can’t tell who is who.
JOSIE: WHAT. The PI owns the restaurant. Mel, this acid trip. I can’t cope.
MEL: It’s like did you have no money for like ONE extra to be a waiter? There’s also NO ONE dining in this restaurant. They also have NO chemistry.
JOSIE: I wouldn’t be eating lobster at a place with zero customers tbh. Wouldn’t trust it. WHO IS SHE MESSAGING.
MEL: Is she texting her own future self? It would not surprise me.
JOSIE: Or: her mum’s in a nursing home. Or: her mum’s dead and it’s just being sent into the universe.
MEL: A dark twist but at least a strong one.
JOSIE: Okay what is happening, where are they? Oh that’s Probbo Todd’s dad. Why is PI propositioning all the waitresses? He is the worst PI.
MEL: What was that entire waitress situation. She was pregnant and he was like harassing her about her pregnancy?
JOSIE: I don’t know what is happeningggg.
MEL: I am so confused, at all times, in this film. Now they’re creeping around. I’ve worked out it’s Probbo Todd’s dad’s party maybe. So that part makes sense, they’re trying to suss the house because they think the fiancé is broke, but where is her cousin who is getting married? And why is her bridesmaid here if she isn’t?
JOSIE: Maybe they couldn’t afford the actress that day. Ohhh the staged kiss.
MEL: Oh for fuck’s sake that was the most unconvincing kiss. The dad looked like he wanted them to keep going and start filming.
JOSIE: Also why would you just leave two people in your private office to presumably hump all over your desk.
MEL: Hahahaha right? “As you were, don’t get any bodily fluids on the vintage chair covers is all I ask”.
JOSIE: Okay so that flashback shows that Lily raised her.
MEL: That surely means she would have grown up with the blonde? Wouldn’t Kelsey have known that she had this relationship with the PI?
JOSIE: The cousins have no chemistry either, like as mates.
MEL: None at all, they keep telling us they’re “close as sisters” but seem v. awkward.
JOSIE: There are still no customers at this sad NSYNC cafe.
MEL: Here’s something for you to PI, Connor, bc I think this cafe is a drug front. Either that or the rent is one (1) lobster meal a week
JOSIE: Connor’s the one that needs investigating imo. Also he’s like “if this plan to take down Todd doesn’t work I’ll leave town”. Doll you have a cafe and responsibilities?
MEL: Yeah it’s not like you just rolled in out of nowhere?
JOSIE: This movie was absolutely written by a Year 11 drama class. None of the plot threads make any sense. I literally think I DID write this movie in 2002.
MEL: You know, it’s a shame this film is so shithouse bc this lead girl is kind of fun and zesty as an actor, like I feel she deserves more. So does Lily Van Der Woodsen.
JOSIE: Isn’t Lily broke IRL. She’s probably happy to get the work.
MEL: Ugh this date between Kelsey and Connor is terrible. What waiter would ever say “I’m getting a first date vibe” and “work romance”? Why is everyone who works in the hospitality industry so unprofessional in this film. Except for the pregnant host at Probbo Todd’s dad’s house.
JOSIE: Omg, she just admitted she’s texting her dead mum. I fucken knew it.
MEL: MUM!!!! OMG JOSIE. How did you pick that!
JOSIE: I’m telling you, I wrote this movie in Year 11. Also they are two metres from the guy they’re tailing. They are the worst PIs.
MEL: Can I tell you there is 30 minutes left of this movie and I feel we have gotten nowhere. At all.
JOSIE: WHAT! It’s been going for an hour?! Nothing has happened.
MEL: Like we have a modicum of chemistry between these two now? But that’s it.
JOSIE: Literally now he is recounting the entire plot. These Year 11 kids who wrote it didn’t pay attention to the teacher’s lesson of “show, don’t tell”.
MEL: “Shit we’ve got 30 minutes to go, everyone repeat parts of the plot that have happened”.
JOSIE: Gasp. The fiancé is at dinner with the sexy shop girl.
MEL: Why is she going over there? Just watch them like PIs do?
JOSIE: Oh nooo it was explained away because she’s helping him secretly buy the wedding dress. It’s still inappropriate to go out for dinner, imo. Oh wait, HER HUSBAND OWNS THIS RESTAURANT.
MEL: WAIT WHAT. Why does everyone own restaurants!
JOSIE: Who is her husband? Joey Fatone?
MEL: CONNOR’S HER HUSBAND????
JOSIE: I’m so confused!
MEL: Wait are we at a different restaurant though, I think we are. Ok – the shop lady’s husband owns THIS restaurant.
JOSIE: Oh.
MEL: Her husband is neither Joey Fatone or PI Connor. Wow I got so confused just then. I just think, plot-wise, don’t have so many people owning restaurants.
JOSIE: I think one of the Year 11 students was like me and thought: “whoa it’s a bit suss to go out for dinner tho”. So another student suggested adding in the husband to show it was all above board.
MEL: It also makes zero sense for Problematic Todd to be taking the shop lady to dinner as a thank you, but then her husband who owns the restaurant “organises it for them”. That is then not a favour.
JOSIE: If Todd wanted to treat her for dinner why take her out for a free meal at her husband’s restaurant? HAHA we just typed the same thing, brain twins.
MEL: WAIT WHAT. I missed something help. Why is she in a tiff with Connor now?
JOSIE: I zoned out but I think Lily showed her some cheques that her mean ex-husband, Emily’s father, wrote for Connor. One was ten years ago to go away and get out of her life. And then another one bc he came back asking for money?Now Connor’s proclaiming his love for Kelsey to Joey Fatone.
MEL: Oh look the wedding day has arrived. Wow she’s actually doing her job.
JOSIE: Well, she told a photographer to go out the front to “capture the bride’s arrival” which seems like a very obvious directive, tbh. There is no actual script to this movie I’m sure of it.
MEL: Wait was there a valid reason for P.I Connor to stalk Probbo Todd? I’m sorry, surely Kelsey would have known about Connor earlier than this. If he BORROWED MONEY from her basically parents. Your basically sister has a shitty boyfriend who borrows money from your aunt and uncle and you don’t ever hear of him?
JOSIE: Exactly, it makes zero sense. Like how is this the literal first time she’s heard of him. Meanwhile, Lily looks great.
MEL: Lily looks fantastic. Also this film is clearly using the “Christmas” theme loosely.
JOSIE: There is nothing festive about this movie except they set it on Xmas Eve. OMG THE PREGNANT WAITRESS IS AT THE PI’S OFFICE.
MEL: Oooooh My vote – baby is Todd’s, somehow. WHY IS SOMEONE INTERVIEWING THE PARENTS OF THE GROOM AT THE WEDDING.
JOSIE: It’s a high society wedding but where everyone’s jewellery is from Lovisa. Omg Kelsey is a low rent non-bridesmaid lololol. I see her beloved neck ribbon is now on the bouquet.
MEL: Christ on a bike that bouquet is hideous. Someone got excited about ribbon-curling.
JOSIE: This entire wedding was put together with $500 and two trips to Lincraft. Also there are 5 people here. COULD THEY NOT AFFORD EXTRAS.
MEL: Ohohoho the pregnant lady is their former maid. Also what, people have maids in 2018?
JOSIE: And what family that has a maid can only afford to throw a wedding in this broom closet?
MEL: What on earth is with Todd’s terrifying croaky whisper voice. Now Emily’s upset about her future being ruined. Ok honey, you are literally about 25 you can have kids and get married. She also doesn’t seem that devastated to find out in the middle of her wedding that her almost-husband fathered a baby with his “maid”.
JOSIE: I’d be wailing. I would have found a blunt instrument and clobbered him with it.
MEL: I do not think she would be caring about what Kelsey is gonna do about CONNOR.
JOSIE: Hahaha totally. Like “omg I’ve been humiliated on my wedding day but have you shagged my ex yet, what’s tea”. Ahh okay so Emily’s dad hired the PI because he was suss on Todd even on his deathbed. WHAT. HE JUST SAID I LOVE YOU.
MEL: THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 14 MINUTES.
JOSIE: Snot just came out of my nose involuntarily. Also WHY didn’t the just tell her all of this about her uncle hiring him and instead snuck around creating drama for 1.5 hours?
MEL: Wow this spiel is incredibly insensitive. “LOLOLOL BEST AND WORST MEMORIES LIKE THE TIME MY SISTER WAS LEFT AT THE ALTAR”.
JOSIE: WHAT. IS HE PROPOSING. I CAN’T BREATHE.
MEL: This is insanely insensitive to do this RIGHT NOW.
JOSIE: This man is unhinged. Kelsey thought he was a blackmailing crook 15 min ago, and now they are getting married. Like right now in the ceremony that was supposed to be Emily’s. And she’s wearing the Wilson dress.
MEL: Omg look at the salty sister. Hahahaha she is like “I hate you”.
JOSIE: Inside she is plotting a murder. Meanwhile, somewhere in heaven her mum is like KELSEY WHAT THE FUCK. What an ending that was!
MEL: I’m sorry what the fucking shit was that. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT. WAS THAT.
JOSIE: That was the worst.
MEL: I still do not understand who thought that was a normal film to make. There wasn’t even a murder to console me. I hoped a P.I meant there would be a mysterious death to solve?
JOSIE: SAME. Not some pregnant maid being the mystery. BORING. I swear my Year 11 play “Love Fools”, a comedy version of Romeo and Juliet, was far superior to this.
MEL: Well I’m off to watch The Holiday to fix the internal rage I have against Christmas films now.
JOSIE: A great choice. My second fave Xmas movie of all time.
MEL: I was literally about to say, off you go to watch Die Hard.
JOSIE: Nooo it’s an Xmas Eve family tradition I’ve gotta wait! Anyway, thanks for wasting 1.5 hours with me.
MEL: Wouldn’t do it with anyone else mate.
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