Monday night’s recoupling episode of Love Island Australia was a doozy (we recapped it, if you missed btw). Cassidy – once everyone’s poster girl for heartbreak, now a snakey snakerson of the highest order – was allegedly developing feelings for Josh, someone she had barely glanced at before – at the super convenient time of several hours prior to a very tense re-coupling in which she was likely to get booted from the villa. Yes. Seems legit.

Anyway, as we predicted in our recap it comes as NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE WITH EVEN AN IOTA OF INTEREST IN THIS SHOW to learn that, upon the entry of Dom The Giant Bicep With A Face, Cassidy has forgotten all about Josh and is gradually edging away from their “relationship” in a very Homer Simpson fashion:

But let’s go back to the beginning! So all the new couples (and old ones) go to bed, boring. Cassidy and Josh have the most un-sexual sleepytime ever, which Cassidy kind of goes on about all like “ohhhh why won’t Josh spoon meeee” vibes. Whatever we don’t care. Here’s what we do care about – Jaxon and Josh’s bromance, which tbh is my current favourite coupling. Fuck everyone else and give the final prize to these two.

better love story than twilight

Another highlight was absolute PISS BABY Grant – how is this turdburger still on this show, boot him OFF – getting haha-but-not-rly jealous because Tayla made Jaxon a bloody sandwich. Which he profusely thanks her for. But Grant still feels the need to glare warily at him and remind him to thank her in this real aggro tone because he’s the woo-ooo-ooorst!

you’d better stop eating that sanga my wife made you buddy

Anyway everyone goes to play a game that was quite frankly the most uncomfortable thing I’ve had to watch in recent memory, and I watched that moment on Bachie when Alex and Richie had a chocolate bath:

Basically, everyone had to kick a soccer ball into the mouth of a fellow contestant (a pic of them obviously, not their.. actual mouth…) and then lick/slobber all over one of their body parts. Here’s an example for you:

it’s a show for the whole family really

Meanwhile, Dom The Sinewy Tendon entered the villa all sneaky-like.

hello i enjoy long walks on the beach and crushing the hearts of my enemies with my bare hands

OFC every woman who is not Erin or Tayla (who have decided their partners of 0.2 seconds are for life and they cannot so much as glance at a new dude for fear of being smited by Our Lord Jesus) literally die on the spot at the sight of him. Oh, did I mention Dom is 6’5 and hey he’s 6’5 did you know he’s 6’5 guys guess what I have a secret, Dom is 6’5. I missed the bit where he said 40 times he’s 6’5, but luckily I remembered he was 6’5 and was able to tell you he is 6’5.

The three fighting for Dom’s love currently are Francoise, Millie and (shocker) Cassidy – although to be fair, Cassidy spends at least 20 full minutes weakly pretending she will be loyal to Josh even though she’s absolutely attracted to Dom and you can see her soul die at the fact she just fucked up royally by manipulating Josh into a fake relationship wherein she will now have to flykick him in the heart.

Millie goes in hard, Francoise holds back, and Cassidy just stares at Dom from a distance waiting for the least fucked up moment to ruin Josh and run into those beefy arms.

There’s this amazing bit where Millie – who HAS to be putting it on – gets “convinced” by Dom that Jaxon is actually Charlie Hunnam from Sons Of Anarchy.

this woman is so gullible you could probably convince her the walls of the villa are chocolate

Erin – who is fast becoming the most intelligent human being on this show even though she doesn’t know how to say tapas – is the only logical voice, reasoning that an EXTREMELY FAMOUS AND RICH actor would hundo-p not do Love Island.

Anyway, then everyone’s doing impressions of other housemates and it’s possibly more awkward to watch than the soccer licking game. Nope. Not here for it.

The episode ends with an intriguing curve-ball – Dom gets Francoise on the side to tell her that his mum, who seems to be his bestest-bestie-mate that he hangs out with all the time, watches the show (parents, don’t – why do you want to see your children lick people’s chests in slow motion) and loooooves Francoise. He also tells her that between her and Millie, it’s “100% you”. Ooft.

Props to Francoise, she’s no dumb idiot – she tells Erin that while he’s said all of that, who the fuck knows what he’s saying to Millie. Fair point, well made – this is 2018 dating, everyone.

Oh! And I almost forgot – Cassidy has a deep and meaningful with Justin (who has not been in this episode much at all and that is a TRAVESTY) and Tayla where she is all “I wanna fuck Dom but like I don’t want Australia to hate me bc I just got Tash booted by pretending to like Josh last night” and makes this face when Tayla reassures her that all’s fair in love and war and she should put her name in the Dom ring.

*pretends to feel bad*

Cannot wait for the moment Cassidy pushes Josh out of the marital bed. But who will Face-Bicep choose? My money’s on Francoise but who fkn knows, I love this goddamn show.

Image: Channel Nine