If you haven’t been keeping on top of Love Island (come on, forget about having a life! There’s REALITY TV THAT NEEDS WATCHING) you’ve been missing out on some high quality, A-grade drama, mates. Drama that’s particularly spicy on Sunday nights – like the one that just passed, in which we witnessed our first re-coupling.
What the fucking fuck is a re-coupling and is Gwyneth Paltrow involved, you ask? No, she isn’t – although I would pay top streaming dollar for that to happen (maybe she could teach everyone how to sun their vaginas or whatever she likes to do).
No, a re-coupling is when the guys and gals who have paired up on the island either decide to remain paired up, or BRUTALLY DUMP THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER FOR A NEW FLAME.
This week it was the girls picking the boys, and while we had some rock-solid couples – like Eden and Erin, give or take a bit of Eden grinding all over Millie and calling it “playing around in the pool”. We also had an absolute shitstorm go down in the form of GRANT THE DEMON and his indecisive dick.
Background – Grant and Cassidy were together and seemingly loved up, as loved up as you can be after 0.2 seconds on a tropical island with strangers.
We learned within mere minutes, it seems, that Grant’s brain is attached to his wang, and the mere hint of fellow island resident Tayla having a crush on him sent his peen into a state of such confusion that he literally spent an entire episode telling both Tayla and Cassidy they were his true love, only for the women to figure out he was talking straight out of his asshole and then promptly lose their shit at him. Grant clung desperately to Flotation Device #1, Cassidy, leaving Tayla to go find some other guy to latch onto.
Things seemed fine until last night’s ep, in which Tayla divulged to Grant that she *still* has feelings for him before the re-coupling ceremony. Cue Grant’s dick on high alert and basically whirring like a fidget spinner.
Instead of simply going “ok, this is gonna be shit but I do really like Tayla and I should just gently let Cassidy down privately first” he, in standard zesty little gaslighting fuckhead form decides to go confuse Cassidy by saying Tayla likes him and wants to pick him at re-coupling, but if CASSIDY wanted to pick him then she should… pick him??
Confused? Same. Also, what an offer. “Hey this other chick is into me and she will pick me probably but hey if you want a piece of this I shall not deny you of it”. Fuuuuuuck this guy to the moon and back except don’t. No one fuck this guy. NOBODY FUCK AWFUL GRANT.
Anyway, Grant continued to fuck with Cassidy’s head by being a non-committal fuckface, refusing to be the one to actually bin their relationship, but then the astonishingly fantastic happened. Cassidy basically went “hey, you know what. This guy sucks a giant bag of dicks and I do not need to put up with his shit” and told him where to stick it, but was also super raw and honest – saying how she cared about him and had tried her hardest. It was fucking cool as shit and he didn’t even deserve the coolness in his presence, tbh.
THEN Cassidy went and gave Tayla the hard word, saying how shady it was to be like “nah I don’t like him” and then not even being honest with Cassidy that she was gonna snake her dude. It wasn’t bitchy, it was just really upfront and awesome.
But the clincher? At the actual re-coupling, Tayla stood up and picked Grant – and Grant had the fucking GALL to then PUT HIS HANDS ALL OVER TAYLA’S THIGHS while sitting right next to a now-dumped Cassidy.
Good lord, this demon man. Someone chain him to a rock in the deepest part of hell, please. Tayla’s not much better tbh. But at least she didn’t flaunt her new relationship in front of someone she was lovingly kissing hours before.
Cassidy ended up picking Elias who is EASILY the hottest bloke on that island at the moment and a total catch, so fuck you Grant I hope she bones him in the bed right next to you and has 400 orgasms.
