Hello, we are back for more Bach – featuring commentary from the internet. Final ten! Wow!
The pieces to camera are already heaps duller without The Bachelor villains, but their absence does seem to have an unexpected upside: Osher is back with date cards. Is this correlation? Causation? Coincidence?
— onlyhereforthebachelortweets (@Jodie43678389) September 12, 2018
I can just imagine Quinn from Unreal going fucking hell we have nothing now get Osher in and make him do that shit with the date cards again #thebachelorau
— Adam Monaghan (@MrAdamMonaghan) September 12, 2018
Honey Badger decides to go on another date with Brittany, “a crackin’ sort” , who he takes to Wild Life Sydney in Darling Harbour via boat. There he gives all the koalas real ocker names like Stevo and Wayno, and the internet brought up the obvious: that koalas are notoriously horny, have chlamydia.
Going on #TheBachelorAU and visiting a koala sanctuary: two ways to expose yourself to chlamydia
— Ben Pobjie (@benpobjie) September 12, 2018
On this date, Britt gets to cuddle something fuzzy that probably has chlamydia.
But first she’s going to cuddle a koala #TheBachelorAU
— Lauren Edwards (@laurenvedwards) September 12, 2018
Speaking of being notoriously horny, the overt sexuality of this date continues when Cummins makes Brittany hold a snake – which is a euphemism for his penis, obviously.
If you were just listening to this and not watching it…VERY different show. #thebachelorau
— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) September 12, 2018
#TheBachelorAU "Nick enters with a humungous snake", "How do you go with snakes?", "I'm a snake handler from way back", "She took it like a champ". Endless…
— Dan Smith (@dcsmith84) September 12, 2018
A big croc called Rocky gets a snack, Brittany gets a cuddle, they hang out near some wallabies drinking (AND NOT SHARING) their wine. And finally Cummins interrupts her trying to be vulnerable with a pash, says “You wouldn’t be on a second date if I wasn’t keen on ya,” and gives her a rose. “You’re a good egg“: a truly romantic sentence.
Pretty sure the croc just got the winners music #TheBachelorAU
— Dash Jayasuriya (@gameonmoll) September 12, 2018
Then all the ladies are gathered together to be interrogated by a man who seems intent on making them cry/tell him his secrets, rather than detect lies. He’s all about reading their body language, both while they’re alone with him and when they’re sidling up to Nick.
“Aren’t group dates meant to be fun?” Sophie asks. It’s a good question. But apparently they’re actually about getting to know each other and HB finding minor reasons to dump equally beautiful women, who woulda thunk it?
In it we get a little more spice about Cass’ previous dates with Nick: there were between three and five dates and they first met at a bar. The Lie Man says she’s heaps infatuated, and we all knew that already, but thank you, sir, for your insight.
— Danni (@babooshka_yaya) September 12, 2018
This all leads us to cocktail party where Cass tells Nick her feelings for the millionth time, and Brooke reveals that she has had relationships with women, and effectively considers herself pansexual. It’s The Bachelor though, and HB’s ego is fragile, so she assures him that she intends to end up with a man, so she can have kids? which is… fine.
Nick: it doesn’t bother me. At least Brooke knows what she wants now. Narrator: she wants cock #TheBachelorAU
— Merryn Porter (@Merryn_Porter) September 12, 2018
*Producer whispers from behind the camera*
“Make sure you say that you strictly want to be with a man because we’re not dealing with that right now okay “#TheBachelorAU
— Sarah (@_SarahKAnderson) September 12, 2018
Public opinion seems pretty split about this one.
First there’s the jokes/early predictions:
Brooke’s surprise is that Cass is in love with Nick. She just had to tell him. #thebachelorAU
— Tamara Robson (@tamaracorine) September 12, 2018
Brooke’s going to reveal she’s bi or something and then we’ll pretend to be shocked like it’s not 2018 #TheBachelorAU
— Kiera (@UnderYourPorch) September 12, 2018
— john.gappi (@john_gappi) September 12, 2018
Some people aren’t so chuffed that Brooke couldn’t just come out as queer on The Bachelor; she had to reassure Cummins that she was ‘mostly into men’.
Brooke is queer but she only wants to date men now and my heart is in a million pieces ???????? #TheBachelorAU
— ????️????????????????️???? (@bloodyauspol) September 12, 2018
As someone who is Bi I can just say that Ten making this out to be a ground breaking secret that changes everything hurts me slightly #TheBachelorAU
— Tash (@Ta1s1h0) September 12, 2018
AND we have to cap it all off with a "I want to be with a man, I want to have children", because that's got to be an element in every discussion of sexuality I want to end everything #TheBachelorAU
— sara (@sarawatchestuff) September 12, 2018
“I’m not a lesbian or anything like that” ugh #thebachelorau
— louie duloy (@kiteflyer666) September 12, 2018
Me being excited Brooke is open to dating girls VS a minute later when she says she prefers men because she wants kids ????????????#TheBachelorAU
— Jessica (@Cupperzzz) September 12, 2018
“I’m not bisexual or a lesbian and I don’t want to be judged as such”. “I want to be with a male – I want kids.” So much to pull apart here. #TheBachelorAU
— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast???? (@BOHpod) September 12, 2018
— Lauren Austin (@laurenaustin_) September 12, 2018
But some people are just excited:
yeah it’s not a massive deal to some people but for the LGBTQPI+ and the indigenous community representation is everything!!!! heck yeah for having the first indigenous woman and pansexual on aussie mainstream tv!!! #TheBachelorAU
— liv-o (@livtosti) September 12, 2018
— alysha (@lcvinitgrande) September 12, 2018
Love that Brooke is open about her feelings and love that nick is so supportive of Brooke #TheBachelorAU
— T a h l i a (@tahlia4204) September 12, 2018
Lots of people have pointed out that wow, it doesn’t matter, why was this teased as a big secret reveal?
Brooke: I’ve had two relationships with women
Most of the viewing public: ok cool, now what is your big secret?
Wait, you mean that’s all it was? #TheBachelorAU
— Kathy (@kathy_in_oz) September 12, 2018
Is anyone else aggressively uncomfortable with the portrayal of Brooke’s bisexuality as this big evil secret that could undo their relationship? Do the producers know that’s not how bisexuality works? #TheBachelorAU
— Bella Skelton (@bellaskelton) September 12, 2018
— Lulu (@LyndalPotter) September 12, 2018
Brooke being bi has literally zero shock value. I thought she murdered her cat or is a descendant if a Greek goddess or something #TheBachelorAU
— Aliza (@AlizanotEliza) September 12, 2018
ROSE CEREMONY!! Deanna is donezo, an entirely unsurprising development considering her deadpan responses to the Lie Guy.
Until tomorrow, heartbreakers.Image: Network Ten