Friends, foes, lovers, people who hate-watch, people who love-watch, we have finally reached the conclusion of The Bachelorette in 2018. I can finally stop saying Bachie like it is a real word with meaning. After this hour-and-a-half I’m going to be reborn as a person with normal hobbies and interests that don’t involve staring at people I have never met as they snog a lot and desperately try to fall in love.

Let’s see how spicy this is! Time to meet Ali’s family in a very good-looking location in the Northern Territory, because Ten didn’t want to fork out for their least popular Bachelorette to fly internationally. And then they’ll go on final dates, and then she’ll dump someone – or will she be dumped?

How good was that aerial shot of our boy Osher?

How good is the Jetstar product placement?

Alright time to relive her journey with these two dudes – Todd who she ignored for half a season, and Taite who she has wanted to fuck the entire time. It’s super boring to listen to her say nice things about the handsome unattainable men. She is very pleased someone loves her but you can tell she would rather it was Taite who had those kinda strong feelings.

Taite swimming in rapids looks dangerous to me but makes for handsome boy shots, so worth it?

Meanwhile Todd is covered in something shiny – sunscreen, but I like to think oil – and running on beaches and hanging out on cliffs.

And Ali’s just under a waterfall musing about how she makes bad choices in relationships and this is “the biggest decision of my life“, which it isn’t, but that’s okay. If there’s anyone who believes in reality TV second chances it’s Ali.

Out she comes to her fam: mum and dad, and her cousin Bianca – possible season spoiler – is back.

Imagine explaining to your boomer parents that you’re dating two dudes and you’re going to introduce them to both of them. Her folks already like that Todd loves her, and don’t like that Taite is “guarded“.

Jesus I never realised her name was ‘Alison’ until her dad said it out loud. That makes sense. You can tell her dad has never ever liked one of her boyfriends. Can we call it now and just say he’s going to really like Todd and her mum is too sweet to not just be super diplomatic about it? Also Bianca did not expect either of these dudes, you know she was expecting Bill and Charlie.

Look at that jump up, she is so randy for Taite.

Lol her dad is calling her Alison still, and he doesn’t like that he works with money, and that he is very interested in Ali’s looks rather than in her shining personality.

Now that the break has happened we know this whole ep is a big advertisement for the Northern Territory because ofc.

Okay what does Dad wanna know in this private conversation? Why is he still saying Alison? Why is Taite not saying how he feels, and why does Dad hate that so much? “I like-like you,” is teenage shit. Grow up Taite.

It’s actually sweet to see Dad wanting Ali to find love. “I wouldn’t say I’m in love just yet,” is probably a dealbreaker.

The fun thing about this is that there is always a “risk that it won’t work out” in literally all relationships, at all points in time. You can be five years in and then it doesn’t work out. Married with kids and it doesn’t work out. You can’t not do things because of the fear it won’t work out.

The fear is that Taite will be guarded and not in love yet forever. Which isn’t how the development of emotions works.

Ali is so chuffed to see Todd but she hasn’t done the jump up, just tippy toes.

A slightly different setting for this chat, and Todd admits he applied “on a whim“, which Dad (Hartmut, a badass old German name) does not like. He also doesn’t love the become-a-cop thing because he is worried Todd will be direction-less if he doesn’t get accepted and also he’s too young for my daughter!!!

Hartmut takes Todd aside too (told ya, Mum’s not doing the grilling), Isn’t it true that like dudes are less mature than women? So you’re not a mature 26, even if you think you are Todd. You just fancy Ali, who is hot. Dad is not impressed by the timelines not aligning. I feel bad for Todd because he thinks their chemistry is more than it is. If she choose him, it’s because she likes feeling loved. Hartmut asks how Todd will feel if he’s dumped: “I will be crushed.” He also admits he has never looked this far into the future. Also that he thinks Taite is a good bloke.

Todd gives the right answers,” is such a backhanded compliment. Dad really thinks he might be lying.

Alright what does fam think of Todd all up: Hartmut is upset about the age difference. They have an emotional connection, but not a physical one. Bianca is very much on Todd’s side.

This whole fam thing has not illuminated anything we didn’t already know.

Let’s be real about this, it is a very good ad for NT.

Todd gets the first date and he’s all “I’m in love” and no way that is true Todd. She didn’t know your name until like two weeks ago. Lol now he’s calling her Alison too. Todd is too young to be this clingy.

How can she know he wants to “make [her] happy for the rest of [her] life“? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know what i’m doing after this weekend, let alone for my life. I can’t imagine knowing someone for six weeks and being like yep, this is forever.

Cool that they’re in a helicopter loving the view. Why are they looking at these ants? Oh it’s ant gin. Gin is yummy but is this like actually I’m A Celebrity… and they’re going to eat bugs for the rest of the date? Just because there’s always a Bach on every season. They’re drinking in a waterhole which is DANGEROUS. Don’t booze and swim kids. Lots of drunken water smooching, some real intimate shots.

They always kiss so much in the finale, even though she’s dumping one of them.

I can see her as the mother of my children,” made me shout “YUCK!” at the television, because you have to see her as more than a babymaker, kid. Pls don’t guarantee sacrifices and think about marriage and kids when you’re really young and have known her for not long. I feel like he’s saying the things she wants to hear.

My colleague is crying because she loves Todd and believes him. But also because she knows he’s going to get dumped because they do not build like this for him to win. Also like there’s too much tongue, dump him for too much tongue.

It is Taite’s turn and he is about to be too honest to her about how he’s not in love enough. His shirt is too unbuttoned and billowing. They’re getting in a fun plane over wetlands. And then they’re going to hang out on an airboat in there and yeah this looks sick, this is the best money NT Tourism ever spent.

She really really fancies Taite. Lost in every moment with him. In a way that she is not with Todd.

Taite admits finally that he came here to fall in love, not commit to being a husband and father. Ali was not here to find love, but a baby daddy.

He goes for stares and looks over words, because he is that dude you connect to but cannot be with long-term. He finally admits he is scared of the timeline and cannot “commit” to marriage and kids. It is normal that he is frightened by how quickly she wants to move.

I’m not just saying ‘I love you,’ I’m saying more than that.

She is crying and hurt because her favourite won’t marry her immediately. This is what happens when you bully someone into saying what they feel – they will always say something that is not what you wanted to hear.

Musing on the sand time, a tried and true Bachie finale shot.

Chemistry or a dude who is saying what you want even though he is too young?

Slow down and let love happen with Taite you silly gal.

Some shirtless musing in nice slacks from Taite. Hello, if this whole show could’ve been these shots that would’ve been great. The Bachelorette is all about thirst.

They have a ring sponsor so Todd has a ring shot. if he wins is he proposing?

What’s she going to say to Osher in her big purple dress!

I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I’m really stumped.

Ali says she’s both “in love” and has found an “everlasting” love. WHO WITH?

The first car is the loser who is it, who is in the car. This winding drive is interminably long. Why is Ali crying already?

IT’S TODD, WTF. We knew he was gonna be the next Matty J. It was true all along. Set up to be dumped. Got a ring and everything. Wow that is the handshake of death there Osher. Sending him to a public dumping.

I feel like we would have such a perfect life together, but something’s missing for me… [Love] is not just about ticking off a checklist. It’s about following my heart, and it’s leading me to someone else.

He’s gonna cry. But he’s going to be the next Bachelor so it’s all okay. He can keep the ring for next year? Alright there’s proper tears and our boy is going to be okay. He is going to find love with someone closer to his age one day and we are all going to be there for that. He’s crouched down and crying and now she is too and we were misled! She’s not being dumped at all!

They have spent too much time on this dumping for him not to be the Bachelor. “I’m so broken but I’m so happy for her.

It’s Taite’s chance to find out that Ali is in love with him, and she’s okay that he’s not there yet/isn’t gonna say it.

Is Osher grinning more because this is our winner?

The nation is heartbroken but Ali finally gets to shag Taite, which she has wanted to do since their saucy Winter photoshoot.

Her make-up is perfect again and he is so nervous. She loves this chemistry and his facial hair. She is ready to sacrifice for him again and take risks.

I’m willing to risk the hopes and dreams I came here with because I’m so in love with you.

Right in for the kiss because the guy does not know how to say words.

I came into this journey looking to fall in love and I can honestly say that I’ve found it with you, and this is the start of our journey.

He’s ready to commit to her but it’s a commitment ring not an engagement ring? And that’s okay. And they’re so happy and it’s nice.

I love you Ali.”

Key to this though is you have to reset your journey and just start fresh. That’s gotta be the way these Bachie things work.

Anyway see you for more love next year cuties. Love and horniness are real and not mutually exclusive. There’s hope for us all.

Image: Network Ten