Welcome back pals! It’s time for the spicy Bachelorette episode with the unwanted kissing and the truth about the AliGrant rumours and boys biffing. Lucky you and me can unpack this together. Catch up on yesterday’s Bachie recap right here.

Alright your boys are talking about feeling nervous they might be heading home – Bill would’ve looked like a right lump if he didn’t use the wild rose and had to go home.

Ali comes to visit! Maybe Osher was having an annual leave day? Nobody is dressed to see bae, they’re in their comfy house clothes which is mostly hoodies. She asks Taite in person for a single date. Taite asks Bill to please not use the wild rose and nick the date right out from under him – but guess what Bill does it anyway, so no big hugs there. Ali’s gonna be mighty surprised when the wrong bloke turns up, that’s for sure.

Paddy is peeved on Taite’s behalf and tbh Taite just looks gutted. Charlie says Bill has a “massive target on his back” which is meaningless because this is not Survivor, and the contestants have zero say in who stays and who goes.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Yeah, Ali was not expecting Bill, and she had planned the date for Taite! Who she knows so well she can craft a perfect date for him! She straight-up says to camera she’s “disappointed“, and ouch, that would hurt to watch that one back. Of course it’s an “adventurous” date, because we cannot go one episode without things getting dangerous.

They’re talking about all the normal things” in the car, like what superpower they would like to have??? Ali please skip this high school BS and ask about his fave sex positions instead, it’s far more fun.

They’re gonna go wakeskating and Bill is feigning confidence. Where did they find him a wetsuit? Ali’s skill is actually impressive.

Ofc the boys are having a gab about it, while lifting weights: Taite, Charlie and Paddy all three. Paddy calls Bill a “snake” and “fake” (a fake snake!) and is back on the DISRESPECC train. All three of them have secret (no good) tattoos. Charlie’s hoping Bill “shows his true colours and falls on his own sword” in the intense single date situation.

Ali thinks Bill looks “uneasy” about his turn wakeskating. He thought she made it look easy, “it can’t be that hard“. Surprise! He’s no good at it. But he keeps trying anyway. It’s a deeply unimpressive effort, which hurts his fragile ego. Now he’s going to try wakeboarding instead. The difference, if you are not into watersports, is that on a wakeboard you’re actually bound to the board, like you would be with a snowboard. If you’re a wakeskater it’s like riding a skateboard, you can just step off the thing. The boy is very proud he stood up on a wakeboard. Ali is very supportive. She is impressed anyway by his persistence.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

A pro.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Not a pro.

Obviously it’s time for a change of clothes for the sit-down section. She gets straight in there with the questions: Will you move to Adelaide, the murder city for me? “When I’m committed, I’m all in. I’ll leave nothing behind.” He also says he worked real hard through his 20s so he could be a stay-at-home dad??? At the very least he doesn’t want to need childcare.

Ali reckons they want the same things and are “at the same stage in life“. She tells him she gets butterflies and fireworks at the same time, because you’ve gotta put all your clumsy metaphors together. She says he’s confident and sensitive and it feels right and also easy with him, so she gives him a li’l old rose: “You are everything that I’m looking for in a man.” WOW. Pull back a bit Ali, be more mysterious.

Bill has to say some nice things: “I can definitely see myself falling in love with you. I can definitely see myself moving to Adelaide and creating a family and making that life that we both want.” They have a bunch of smooooooooooches. With like an unsettling amount of tongue. Calling it now: Bill is the one who’s going to make her cry in the finale.

Survivor-style music for the group date challenge which is human Guess Who?. Guess Who? rules. You know what’s better? Character assessment Guess Who? where you make outlandish assumptions about the people on the board and then knock ’em over based on that, and hopefully you and your partner – this is a good date game – are on the same page. Questions like: “Are you a secret Communist?” And you knock over all the ones that look like conservatives or overly vocal comrades. Stuff like that. Try it someday.

Osher is there finally to host compatibility Guess Who? with these Bachie boys: Charlie, Paddy, Danny, Bill, Rob, Nathan, Jules and Ivan. The others were left to mind the alpacas? I don’t know.We probably don’t know their names anyway. Prize: one-on-one time, you know how this works. Ali says she might be kickin’ out blokes who aren’t compatible with her. They write answers to relationship questions and the dudes with answers most different to hers get knocked over.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Big boy Guess Who?.

Questions: “When is a person ready to settle down?” Only one bloke put an actual age, the same as Ali’s: 32. “How long should you be in a relationship before you get married?” Her answer is six months which is so fkn crazy I can’t. I could go six months with a person without ever even saying we’re together, let alone considering marriage.

How many kids would you like in your perfect family?” She wants two. Ivan wants five, which we knew already, so he’s gone. “How many calls should a couple exchange in a day?” Rob goes for seven to Ali’s one and wow, that’s clingy, no. “At what stage in a relationship should a couple move in together?” Ali reckons when they’re in love. The dudes on the sidelines are judging these answers and reckon the blokes left are big liars.

Finally, Bill v. Nathan: “What would he perfect weekday evening look like to you?” The answer is obviously that Ali wants to cook and watch telly. My answer is I wanna be at the pub vying for a meat tray with my buddies. Somehow Nathan wins because his answer involved going on a bushwalk and then eating, while Charlie’s was just about cuddling and eating. Weird. Charlie is fumin’ because Nathan lied the whole time.

They do an auction of relationship qualities, like they’re buying property, something some of these men probably can do because if you’re an excellent tradie you can get rich, baby! The rest can’t. Oh well. Nathan gets extra bidding money because he won the first round, but the winner of this gets the one-on-one time – they had to choose the same qualities as Ali. I would just pocket the money and go home, $3000 is more than I have in my bank account rn. Actually it’s probably not real money.

Danny buys ‘Respect’ for $1900. Rob buys ‘Devotion’ for $1200. Charlie drops $2000 on ‘Communication’. Jules buys a ‘Sense of Humour’. Bill buys ‘Loyalty’ with all his dosh, $2500. The blokes don’t like the way Bill is “telling Ali what she wants to hear“, lying in Guess Who?, buying ‘Loyalty’, which is obviously not the one he really thinks is most valuable. Ivan buys ‘Kindness’ for $1300. If only people could actually buy qualities like this. Some of the dudes I’ve dated might be a lot kinder, ey, ey?? Danny won because he said ‘Respect’ but he’s about to fuck it up!!! Honestly we’re surprised he’s even still here.

Off we go to one-on-one time, where he can speak weirdly softly alone with Ali! He “has a lot of sayings” which Ali mistakes for intelligence. He puts his hand behind her head and goes in for a pash after making a strange joke and Ali shuts it down. Ali finds that move baffling. Danny you need to know that unless you’re amazing she’s not macking on with the one-on-one time guy. That is not how this show works. Ah he made it so weird and now they can’t talk anymore. It’s okay, he knew it was rushed but he used another saying to justify his weird-ass actions.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

No thanks.

Fkn finally we’re up to the spicy section: Charlie snitching on Nathan for being a gossip. Charlie is a scorned man – he did not like losing to Nathan in Guess Who? and he’s gonna make him pay!!! Anyway Nathan was talking about Ali having a threesome – something she denies. Her story re: Grant Kemp has been that he wanted one and she didn’t.

Charlie does NOT like that Ali decided to have a chat with Nathan first up. It’s dobbing time! He really thinks this info should come from him. She takes him away – “I know those hands“, he says when she takes his, eww. She wants to talk about his feelings now she hasn’t been able to spend more time with him since their date – he puts the timeline as three weeks. Ouch.

Anyway Charlie goes right in – she tells Ali that someone was “telling you what you wanted to hear” during the group date, and she guess Bill, so maybe she knows about their rivalry? Like she can read that the pair don’t get along. He then throws Nathan under the bus too, and tells her about all the shit we media folks said about her earlier this year, and that Nathan claims to have mutuals with Ali who confirmed those rumblings. SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL.

They have a hug and Ali goes for Nathan, yessssss. She feels infuriated and talks about the DISRESPECC, go on, tear shreds off the boy. I need this.

I heard you were saying really disgusting things about me this afternoon and I wanna know what it is you were saying… If you can’t tell me honestly what’s happened then I don’t think we can move on, so just tell me.

He says he was talking about the rumours, she wants to know why he has to talk about her in a negative way. The other dudes love watching this go down. Nathan wants to bring his accuser into the convo so he can properly defend himself/see who betrayed him.

Ali doesn’t like any of this shit being brought up, she’s trying to focus on the future! Babies! Anyway, Ivan’s explaining the sitch to Rob, which is great, because it confirms what Charlie said is true, and that dudes are big ol’ gossips who love drama just as much as ladies. Anyway, everyone is here to eavesdrop, and Ali brings Nathan into a group with Charlie and a few others in it. Oh it’s good. Pete even jumps in there in an attempt to stay relevant and says he’s with Charlie.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Bill lives for the drama.

Ali looks real hurt by the whole thing, and if Nathan’s not lying, it means it was a chat involving other dudes talking shit. So Taite takes her out of that situation, leaving the boys to bicker amongst themselves. Charlie meanwhile is swearing heaps at Nathan. Nathan’s all get out of my business, stop dobbing on us to Ali in the hopes it will save your flimsy connection. Charlie does the “THERE’S THE FKN DOOR!” thing again.

I feel sorry for Ali if she ends up with you, because you’re a fucking spiteful and jealous person.” It’d be good if Ali was watching this pointing with lots of rings thing. Lots of ego and testosterone flowing, and Daniel, he’s stunned. “You’re a spiteful piece of shit.” And Nathan cheerses him on the way out, taking a big sip of that G&T. Where did Pete go in all this? Looks like just a couple Dans and Charlie. Danny very softly says it was starting to get out of hand.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Dramatic pointing!!!

We found Pete, he’s with Taite and Ali. Those two are confirming Charlie’s thoughts/Ali’s gut feeling on Nathan, which stirs Ali into pulling the kid aside again. “Nathan, let’s talk.” The remaining dudes agree they want him gone because he’s not in there for the right reasons.

Let’s transcribe Ali’s rejection in full: “This is just definitely not gonna work. I feel like I have tried to get to know you but them the things that I’ve heard from the other guys are just like…

Nathan wants the chance to defend himself. Ali points out he has, with Charlie. “Charlie is a jealous, malicious person. He’s a piece of shit.” This is not working in your favour, Nathan, ABORT. Leave with one piece of dignity in tact. “I honestly believe that I’m one of the best people to go around.” WOW. Kiddo, sit down, stop big upping yourself.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Finally Drops The Bloke Who’s Been Talking Shit About Her

Boy bye.

I have to be selfish, especially with what happened with Grant and I. There’s no way that anyone else is gonna hurt me like that,” Ali says in a piece-to-camera.

She tells Nathan she’s also questioning Bill’s motives, which feels very strange after that great date??? Don’t trust Charlie totally, this is a game, Ali. Anyway she spills her guts to Nathan about how Grant was a party guy who lied to her about his intentions – he wasn’t ready to settle at all! “It’s time for you to go.” And she walks off. He heads into a conveniently parked black cab.

If you’re not here for me, you’re gone. That’s so ruthless but it’s the truth.”

OOOOOOOOOOOFT. Who would’ve gone if there was a rose ceremony? Danny surely? Maybe Ivan? One of the nondescript ones who was stuck at the house during the group date?  But definitely not Todd, because he’s handsome.

Until next week, heartbreakers.