Hello, fellow trash-TV-loving-angels. Josie and Mel here, with our in-depth analysis of the second episode of Bachelor In Paradise. And by “in-depth analysis”, you know I really mean “casual chat in which I, Josie, get increasingly annoyed at Jake‘s hair”. IMPORTANT FACTS ONLY.

In the first recap, Mel only managed to watch half the episode which added a whole new level to our chat. However, in last night’s episode Mel appeared to be about 20 seconds behind me, meaning I saw the drama unfolding and she was really confused as to what the fuck I was on about (until we figured out the time delay).

Anyway, dear P.TV readers – feel free to weigh in with your own hot takes in the comments. I’m sure you have many feels about the shitshow that was Ep 2.

HERE WE GO.

JOSIE: Okay, to start off, I cannot believe this cutting of the grass by Jake taking Flo out. It is brazen. But at the same time, Davey is acting as if he and Jake have been best friends for 16 years and it’s some terrible betrayal. Like, is he crying right now?

MEL: How are they mates? YOU ARE NOT MATES. My god, this is so high school. Unless I’ve missed some sort of outside-the-island bromance, you have no loyalties, guys.
JOSIE: Meanwhile, Keira laughing in Davey’s face is my vibe mate. Drinking at 11am, cackling at all the drama.
MEL: I feel as though you are an amalgamation of Tara and Keira.
JOSIE: Flo and Jake just annoy me. These two were in a full bust up last night and then Jake’s like “go out with me” and she’s like “OKAY”. Honestly, they deserve one another. 
MEL: Legit as if you would trust him. He just been a total dick to you and now he’s all heart-eyes. Buuuuullshit.
JOSIE: I hope they fall into a volcano.

MEL: LOL at Jake’s fuckboy vibes, by the way. Literally every fuckboy in existence says something along these lines when confronted with some bullshit they’ve done in the past: “these rumours that have come from somewhere, I have no idea.” Legit every fuckboy I – that line.

JOSIE: Jake is King of the Fuckboys. You know how you know? Because he’s a normal looking guy. That’s how they get you. Not all fuckboys look like 90s Brad Pitt.

MEL: Anyway so Flo and Jake are pashing in a waterfall, meanwhile Davey’s STILL back at the bar complaining. Davey is literally just cliches.“Too much too soon”, “don’t dog the boys”, etc etc til I die.

JOSIE: It’s like he swallowed a book of one liners and is just burping them up at different intervals.

MEL: Doooo you think there was a bit of sexing under the water? With Jake and Flo? There was some whispering going on. It seemed like sex-whispering to me.

JOSIE: Aqua sex is a distinct possibility at this point. Oh look: Sam‘s on the island now. Want to hear my theory? I reckon he has a bald patch hidden under that thatch of terrible hair.

MEL: Interesting theory. You’re probably not wrong. It is wildly unkempt, isn’t it? Like he glued some extensions on there and has never done any upkeep.

JOSIE: Keira and Sam paired up fast. There’s something both repulsive and enticing about them as a couple.
MEL: I thought Keira would literally just be comic value on this show but I feel like she’s actually taking it at least mildly seriously.
JOSIE: Wow, Davey being this high key obsessed with Flo after knowing her for one (1) day is a real vibe.

MEL: Like legit is his head going to explode. That would make this show a real Logie winner if it happens. I’m willing it to happen.

JOSIE: Michael and Tara have been doing a lot of chatting. Just as a side observation.

MEL: They have! They’re real dark horse couple. It works though, she’s a bit Sam Frost-y, no? But with a dash of Sophie Monk realness.

JOSIE: OMG now Jake’s joined in with the cliches after Davey tried to have a go at him! “DRAMA IS MY BIGGEST THING I HATE IN THE WORLD”, says the man who willingly went into a reality TV show.

MEL: I’m a few seconds behind you it’s annoying meeeee.

JOSIE: Tara running over like a messenger at a school dance: “HI DAVEY FLO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU BYE”. Why didn’t Flo, a 27-year-old-woman, ask him herself?

MEL: Omggggggg that is literally my year 6 formal ask out. Patrick Bazin I’ll always regret telling your friend I didn’t want to go to formal with you, if you’re reading this.

JOSIE: Wow, Lisa is really triggered by this Brett / Steph secret relationship drama. Meanwhile I’m screaming at Michael sitting and strategising with all the girls.

MEL: Wow, he just confirmed #Mara. #Tichael. #TARMICHAEL. That’s it, it’s #TARMICHAEL.

JOSIE: Enter Laurina. I’m obsessed with Laurina, always have been. She is certifiably batshit.

MEL: What is this poetry she’s spouting? Were they affirmations or poetry? That was wild and batshit and frankly I demand more of it.

JOSIE: Oh god she used “HOLA!” as a greeting. I am screaming. Mate you’re not in Majorca. The word you’re looking for is “BULA”.

MEL: I mean are they even in Fiji? This is stock footage, surely. I’ve seen that drone video of that lake 3 times this episode. We’re absolutely on the Goldy and you cannot convince me otherwise.

JOSIE: Blake and Laurina. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.

MEL: Terrible choice as Blake should just be gently placed inside the compost bin.

JOSIE: He doesn’t deserve Laurina. He doesn’t even fit one (1) of her man criteria.

MEL: Oh cool, she’s just said she likes dickheads. That’s a great way to get a decent dude who won’t take you for street pies beb.

MEL: Tara is really cut up about this Brett stuff. Omg omg. Imagine if Brett and TARA WERE TOGETHER. IMAGINE IF TARA IS BRETTS SECRET GF. I’m dying this must happen!

JOSIE: Then Michael will be left heartbroken. Still totally expressionless, but slightly hurt inside.

MEL: Yeah just blank faced and smiling aggressively with his veneers showing.

JOSIE: Are Michael’s tops even clothing? His singlet is literally tied together like he found it in the bin outside Glue Store.

MEL: Seriously. Also can we just talk Luke and Lisa because they are literally like…I’m asleep. They’re human valium. RIP me I have gone into a small coma.

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Tara’s sweat moustache.

MEL: I’m Nina’s humidity hair frizz. Also now it’s over, I feel Blake and Laurina’s mud date wasn’t thought out. It’s alike a poo bath. It has Richie / Alex chocolate bath vibes.

JOSIE: Why is Tara acting so shady?

MEL: Idk it’s weird. OMG the producers coming in and talking directly to her! It’s like UnReal. I love when they show producers. Give me more producers. Make them characters. Someone hook up with one of them.

JOSIE: Oh my god they clearly told Tara to go and cry near the others so Flo would come over, haha.

MEL: Hahahahaha fuck that’s fantastic. “Hey sweetheart you should take this nervous breakdown and plonk it next to those bitches?” WHAT A VIBE.

JOSIE: Okay doing some research here, looks like Brett’s secret GF is Steph is from Richie’s season? They just wanted the holiday and the fame!

MEL: OMGGGG this is fantastic and also ridiculous. As if that was going to work out for them. Also what little shits. What cheaters. How un-Australian of them. Also – “If youse come here with the missus that’s his decision and there’s consequences” – Michael. What a take.

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Michael’s expressionless nipple.

MEL: I’m Jake’s sunburnt nose tip. Wow, Nina is so smug about Eden. Well, I think it’s pretty *smug smile* obvious who I’m giving my rose to.” Yeah okay mate. We get it, you’ve gotten a dude in 0.2 seconds. Have a little grace about it, some of these women are literally taking men who have glued pieces of plastic hair extension to their head in desperation, OK? Tag yourself I’m Davey’s soon-to-explode head.

JOSIE: I’m Jake’s tube of Fudge Ultra Texture Hair Wax. Look at his hair, I’m gagging.

MEL: It looks like it would squelch if I put my hand on it. I hope someone runs their fingers through it soon and has a visceral reaction. Also who is Mack? Surely he just arrived in the last 30 min. I have never seen that man on a show before, let alone this island. He is fake news.

JOSIE: Was he here yesterday? LOL. Smartest thing Leah ever did = stepping away from Davey drama and coupling up with Mack. Oh god Jake just stop. “I like you. I like spending time with you” – Jake, to Flo’s boobs. Davey needs to stay. Throw Jake in the ocean.

MEL:  Davey needs to stay mainly because I need to see his HEAD EXPLODE. Don’t deny me this joy Channel 10. EXPLODE THIS MANS BONCE IMMEDIATELY.

JOSIE: I also want to watch his sunburn develop to a hue not currently found in nature. Tag yourself I’m the sweat beading on Davey’s hairline as he pleads his case to Flo.

MEL: I’m the lasers coming out of his eyeballs.

JOSIE: I wish Flo would stop complaining about the love triangle she CREATED HERSELF and also ENCOURAGED.

MEL: Loving the spicy music, ting music.

JOSIE: Quick Mel where are you up to? Flo has the rose!

MEL: Tara’s picking! Curse you Ten live stream. Do not ruin this for me I’ve waited 90 min for this shit!

JOSIE: OH MY GOD I just scared my cat because I screamed. Congrats Flo you just ruined the show.

MEL: Now I NEVER GET TO SEE DAVEY’S HEAD EXPLODE YOU’LL NEVER GET A LOGIE BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

JOSIE: Ah well, so many nutbags are coming next week, I’m thrilled.

Image: Channel 10