Aaaaand we are back in Paradise! It’s still dreary, wet and grey! I know Josie made a joke in our Game Of Thrones recaps that Winterfell wasn’t *actually* Fiji but at this point, who can even tell. Just whack a few palm trees around that weird red-leaved tree no one understands and we good, right?

Tonight saw a few of our couples get a bit frictiony – Shannon‘s told Connor she might want to leave (???) Paradise to be with Davey (??????) who told her right before the rose ceremony yesterday that she’s the love of his life or some shit. And newcomer Zoe, some unknown from Blake‘s season, is here stirring shit up with Ivan/Brittney and Nathan. Meanwhile, Rachael is still insane and thinks Richie‘s her husband! Cool bananas.

As always, moi (Mel, Senior Style/Features Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial) are here recapping this bitch.

JOSIE: So, the most predictable thing happened: Nathan was all like “No Rachael I don’t like you” after he told her he did, just to get a rose. It was pretty cold but at the same time I think he’s the most clever game-player here. Because it’s part Survivor, this show. And tbh I don’t think she entirely cared.

MEL: This show is absolutely Survivor: Date Night, and Nathan is the MVP. Unlike Davey and Paddy, he isn’t as blatantly obvious with his faux-love, and it’s worked for him so far. Meanwhile, I cannot – CANNOT believe Rachael is back on her “Richie is my true love” bullshit. I don’t understand what room she is reading when she is around the guy, but it is likely a room in another universe because the guy is giving her nothing.

JOSIE: Oh my god. I’m sad I’m off sick today and not watching this in a meeting room at work with you, because I just wanted to clutch your leg and scream at the screen. I will — and I cannot stress this enough — use a coconut machete on Rachael if I have to hear her say “he was MY Bachelor” again. That’s… not a thing? Yes you were on his series but he rejected you, so you have no ownership there.

The other time I was screaming at the screen was Shannon being all stressed about what Davey said before the rose ceremony? Clearly the man was just saying any words he could in order to stay on the show, and now she’s running to Osher in case he can maybe magic Davey’s return? I did love Osh showing up with an umbrella like a delightful tropical Mary Poppins, there to save the day.

For a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine, go down. The medicine, go doooooown

MEL: OMG Osher mincing around in the Fijian rainforest like some love nymph was a TIME and a half, let me tell you. I would have clutched your leg and screamed when he emerged, like the producers had just left him to linger in the rain until *just* the right moment. RIP to that guy, he’s probably got pneumonia now. Yes I can’t believe Shannon took that BLATANT attempt at sticking around from Davey and has turned it into “he might be my one true love”. Like cool, maybe you’re not meant to be with Connor. But leave Paradise for Davey? Some guy you just met? Mate.

JOSIE: And then when she had that convo with Connor of like “let’s explore other things” I would have bet my entire $60 life savings that as soon as he actually did that, as instructed, she got all jealous and like “I TAKE IT ALL BACK”. Which as we will talk about later, definitely happened. Brief sidebar to the weird group date where they split up all the couples and just dragged everyone through the sludge for a few hours.

Yiew bruz yeaaah buddy love sliding around in toxic sludge

It was pretty clever of the producers, really, because it meant that the couples were broken up but Brooke who is dating everyone was still with Alex Nation and Nathan, which he was not happy about. I thought it was good that they at least spoke about their issues instead of just going around the resort speaking to everyone else and getting gradually drunker and saltier.

MEL: That looked like the world’s most un-enjoyable date of all time. Those “floating love couches” as Alisha called them were at first barely moving, then were whizzing all over the place which would be fun if you were in there solo, but falling all over your half-naked friends? Hmmm. Not a vibe from me. I agree, Nathan bringing shit up with Brooke at the dinner thing was a mature move. He had to put his cards on the table, and I thought her response of “I feel bad because I like multiple people” was honest, and I was impressed that Nathan was like “that’s fair but also please understand that I need to cool my jets then”. Like he is within his rights to go date other people, and she’s within her rights to see where things go with the Alexes.

JOSIE: Again, Nathan shocking me with his maturity levels. He’s definitely doing everything he can to redeem himself from Ali’s season where he was by all accounts a bit of a grub. Meanwhile, what did you think of Zoe rocking up? I was glad it wasn’t yet another person from Ali / Nick’s season. Zoe is from the archives!

MEL: Zoe is a babe and a half and I feel like she brought a nice energy to the place. She seems to genuinely want to find love (I think, we’ve seen her talk for 0.0002 seconds). But I also have to say when she walked in I was like “who the fuck is that”.

does she go here

JOSIE: Blake’s season of the Bachie was one I covered heavily when I worked at a tabloid magazine so it took me a sec but I recognised her – there were two curly haired girls on his season and she was the better one. I like her, she’s a straight shooter. Which, ah, kinda backfired when she marched up to the guys like ‘Who wants to chat!’ and then no one wanted to. Poor gal, it happens when you come in late.

MEL: Yeah but also I was soooo with her when she was like “these guys are idiots” because she was right – the girls are out there exploring their options and these tools are all “oh sorry I’m spoken for after my 1.5 dates and 2 dry humps on the couch over there”. Like just go on a damn date with the woman, you know? I haaaaated how Connor behaved on their date though.

JOSIE: Okay, so at least Connor wasn’t like “I’m spoken for” and actually was like “Shannon said to explore other stuff, and that’s the point of the show, so I’m gonna”. BUT I feel like he didn’t stop to consider whether HE actually wanted to explore other connections? It was a very knee-jerk reaction and then he went on the date and 5 hours into it when Zoe is getting cosy and feeling good that’s when he goes all Nothing Face on her and decides he’s not into it. I was SO MAD.

look at those dead eyes

MEL: Yeah that’s what I mean! I think it was good he explored what might be there with Zoe but it’s shithouse that he just wasted her date when he clearly was knee-jerking and Nathan was there all actually interested in her. She’s new and she’s come in late – don’t be a dick and fuck her around, guy!

JOSIE: Speaking of dates, as cute as they are did we need to see another one from Jules and Alisha? It was more of the same: 1. Quirky jokester banter 2. Alisha saying she’s into it 3. A dry humping finale.

Alexa play Candy Shop again, but louder so we can’t hear the saliva noises

MEL: I know, I’m already a bit bored of them. They don’t have the zest of Tara/Sam. RIP to that relationship obviously but in Paradise, they were bloody cute. Also lol at that cheeseboard which was literally one discount brie from Coles thwacked on a plate with no fanfare.

down down, prices are down

JOSIE: And another lovely furniture set up from The Reject Shop. So of course while Connor was out with Shannon, she declared she was “stressing bullets” (lol) and then when he came back she dragged him off straight away and was like “Did I say we go on a break? I meant we should go and MATE! HAhahahahaaaaaa” *eye twitch* Like what was the point of calling Fairy Godmother Osher in from the bushes if you were just gonna change your mind!

do NOT call on the Great Osher Of Oz unless you actually need him

MEL: INFURIATING. I just felt like they dicked Zoe around big time so I’m off them. You know who else I’m off? Cass and Richie. They were super cute up until the point where they literally never progressed from brother/sister vibes. Don’t you think they act like siblings? It’s fucking weird.

“reckon mum’ll give us 5 bucks to go to the milk bar”

JOSIE: Yes! Which is obviously what Alisha was thinking and I love that she had a go at him about it. I definitely think Richie needs to make the first move in that regard. Cass is quite shy, she’s not gonna leap on top of him with the gusto of a confident dry humping afficionado like Alisha. It was funny at the date challenge when Cass goes “We’re gonna get real wet and dirty, but that’s how we roll”. It’s like she just burped out that line accidentally and then she was mortified, lol.

MEL: Richie is deffo going to have to make the first move, and I fucking loooooved that whole grilling from Alex and Alisha.

*suffocates from awkward*

Even if it started weird because Alex is his ex – they seem like they’re actually on good terms now? At first I was like oh Christ on a bike, Alex is going to drunk-yell in Richie’s face until he dies. But it was fun watching her sass him with shit like “dude you’ve kissed a million girls before, you were the fucking Bachelor!” Big lols for Alisha’s “mate the broom is in the storage cupboard back in Australia” call when Richie said he was sweeping in or whatever the fuck he was going on about. The guy needs to plant one on Cass or give it up because right now I’ve got incest vibes and that’s not a fun prime-time mood.

JOSIE: It’s only a fun prime-time mood on Monday night for Game of Thrones, which incidentally we also recap!  Okay so we kind of ended the episode with Rachael STILL going on about Richie. I was honestly screaming at the screen. Taking him off on a date to chat about what happened? NOTHING HAPPENED! THERE’S NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT! If even Somewhat-Unhinged Brittney is telling you to let go, honey you need to let that ship sail off into the sludge.

MEL: I could NOOOOOOOT with that, I was dying! The Reject Shop outdoor table set for $14.99! Richie sucking the shit out of his multiple cold ones to get drunk enough to deal with the situation! The “crazy person” music laid over the top!

protect me pls beer jesus

Sometimes I feel bad for Rachael because while I don’t think you can edit/produce someone to the point of completely transplanting their personality and actions, she’s definitely copping it with the crazy-lady edits. Like I don’t think all those lovey looks are necessarily actual “inseminate me Richie” googly-eyes you know? That being said it is properly batshit to even think Richie is an option right now. The guy is not keen!

JOSIE: Yes you could tell that dinner was very extremely edited. The weird looks and pointed drinking were probably just from moments they didn’t even know were part of the ‘scene’, almost like out-takes. But you’re right, she’s still out here screeching “HE WAS MYYYY BACHELOR!!!!!!”, that shit you cannot edit.

MEL: Exactly. You know who else is screeching that now, in maybe even more of an alarming way? Cass. I can’t believe she said “but he’s my bachelor now”. He’s… not The Bachelor anymore guys. Anyway it’ll be interesting to see if things develop with Cass or if newbies catch Richie’s eye – or Cass’s, come to think of it.

Love Josie and Mel? Check out their true crime podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Or if you’re also a Game Of Thrones tragic, they’re recapping that too.

Image: Network Ten