HELLO, MATES. Josie and Mel here. We decided to recap the first episode of the ~muy~ anticipated Bachelor In Paradise Australia because we’re mildly unhinged morons who are obsessed with trash TV and think we are funny when we talk about trash TV. But also we are actually funny? I think? So come enjoy the fact that we’re literally inside your brain and had all the same thoughts as you in last night’s premiere episode.

The best part is I (Mel) was a shithead and missed the entire first half of the episode bc of the type of garbage human that I am! So you’re only getting our thoughts on around half the episode! WOW. Are we good, or are we good.

PS: totally hit us up in the FB comments with your own hot takes bc we absolutely read those. We are nothing if not self-obsessed narcissists who are heavily influenced by P.TV trolls and also P.TV angels in the comments section.

HERE WE GO.

MEL: Am I your best employee right now? You get me to do a recap with you and I miss 50% of it and do no preliminary research. You love me.

JOSIE: Hahaha. Terrible journalism. Pedestrian’s trolls are right.

MEL: Ok as soon as I switched the TV on Davey and Leah hooked up, what the fuck? I don’t know why but I wasn’t expecting things to escalate so quickly. Kate (my sister btw) also filled me in with the most wonderful recap of what happened before I walked in the door. She was like “So Florence and Davey have a thing, but the other guy, don’t know his name, the one with the terrible face, likes Florence too”. I didn’t know who this terrible-faced-man was and then worked out is was Jake? I don’t feel like Jake has a terrible face but okay.

JOSIE: Actually no, he has terrible hair. It’s the kind of hair where you put too much Fudge in it and then it looks greasy.

MEL: Just quickly I must share with the world my ridiculous salad bowl from last night, which was entirely bc I couldn’t be fucked transferring the small amount of salad into a regular, normal person bowl.

Guess who drank the salad dressing at the end haha not me no way

You didn’t think I’d put that in the story did you but I did.

JOSIE: So something I think we need to discuss is how much they talk about OUTSIDE the island or wherever they are.

MEL: Are they in Fiji?

JOSIE: I think so. They kept saying “BULA” whenever anyone showed up. But it’s probably just a mansion on the Goldy.

MEL: So they’re in “Fiji” aka Chevron Island, Surfers Paradise.

JOSIE: Probably. So anyway, the discussions. Like most of this episode centred on Florence freaking out about Jake being a massive fuckboy who hooks up with everyone, which was revealed via Tara who told all the girls (in different words but along these lines) “I’m from the Gold Coast and so is Jake and he’s a slut”.

MEL: Love how they can talk about real life. LOVE IT. It’s like breaking the 4th wall (?) I think that’s the term anyway whatever, it’s wild and I’m here for this plot device.

JOSIE: On that note, there was also the whole thing where it was revealed that Jake and Flo have already banged after being on Family Feud together.

MEL: WHAT A SENTENCE. “We banged after Family Feud”.

JOSIE: So my problem is, Flo has been really open about dating lots of guys which is great, more power to her. But now for the sake of the plot she is all concerned about Jake sleeping with everyone? And also they’ve already fucked?

MEL: It sounds like someone producing the show wanted some spice and their method was to get Florence to seem all worried about someone’s potential fuckboy behaviour, but then it was like “O shit these two already hooked up LMAO”. Hey also, was Florence the one who ate the rose that one time?

Answer: No that was Sasha.

JOSIE: I don’t understand why Flo is running the show. She literally has all the guys fawning over her? And she bloody knows it too.

MEL: I will say this – Florence confronting Jake about his outside fuckboy ways is me when I’m drunk and feel like starting shit with literally anyone. “E V E R Y O N E’s saying you’ve been hooking up with E V E R Y O N E”. She was this gif as a vibe:

‘I’m drunk and feel like FIGHTING’

JOSIE: This brings me to an important point about the outfit choices on this show. Love a side boob but I was alarmed that Florence’s was about to make a cameo appearance during her and Jake’s convo.

MEL: YES. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man wear a Ralph Lauren polo half-open but Jake really went there.

JOSIE: YES and ew, he has a pinky ring. My vagina was gone when I saw that. Just… gone.

MEL: It’s a new vibe and I’m negative percent here for it. Also why is there always a man on these shows who feels a zesty Lowes shorts-shirt comedy suit is in order. Can u not, Blake.

JOSIE: He walked in wearing it like so proud, and everyone proceed to vomit into their pina coladas.  Also Mel you missed it, but when the girls all arrived there were so many platform cork wedges. I don’t think there’s any left in Australia. They’re all in “FIJI”.

Here’s something that gave me the shits – when Jake stormed off from Flo and was all  “This is a fucken stitch up”. Mate you’re on a REALITY SHOW. OF COURSE ITS A STITCH UP. It’s the definition of a stitch up.

MEL: The fake drama is so extreme on this show. I think because we all know these people are not only aware of how reality TV works (read: it’s bullshit) but also they’ve been on a fucking reality show already. Like, we’re not going to get any pure “you can see the moment his heart rips in half” moments a la Georgia Love/Matty J in this bitch. I actually think we won’t see any legit love stories come from it, tbqh.

JOSIE: Call me a cynic, but they’re all here for Instagram followers and that is ALL.

MEL: I could NOT deal with Davey’s look-at-me-I-hooked-up-with-Leah shit. He was like the teenage boy who makes out with someone behind the toilet block and comes out all fake sheepish.

JOSIE: I’m already bored of this whole Flo / Jake / Davey / Leah storyline because it reminds me of every party I went to in year 11. And WHY WAS FLO PISSED OFF BY DAVEY HOLDING LEAH’S HAND. SHE GAVE DAVEY THE BRUSH OFF.

MEL: Kate is not going to be a regular feature I promise you, but she said “Davey has Love Island eyebrows” which is so terrifyingly accurate. Also Flo is the worst, you’re right.

JOSIE: I loved Flo in Matty’s season, which is the sad thing. Anyway to stop being a neg bitch, I did love Tara as I knew I would. Her being so sweaty at the start was entirely relatable for me. “HIIII I’M SWEATY!”

MEL: You would be permanently with a nose sheen on this show.

JOSIE: I would.

MEL: Serious question now: who would you fuck on the show, if you were on there?

JOSIE: Who would I fuck? Literally not one of these men. Honestly the adorable Fijian bartender had more appeal than these idiots. Especially “slid into your DMs” Blake. WHO SAYS THAT IN A NORMAL SENTENCE?!

MEL: I’d be the person who goes on a show like this and ends up with a baby to a producers assistant. New chat – Michael makes me feel so uncomfortable.

JOSIE: SAME. He has cold dead eyes like a shark.

MEL: Like he seems really unsure of himself in his soul at all times.

JOSIE: His face is expressionless always.

MEL: Yeah he has no personality of his own. He could be revealed to be a robot and I wouldn’t be surprised.

JOSIE: I’m obsessed with the door that’s just plonked into open space, by the way. They just dramatically walk through it when they arrive but for no real reason. It just leads to… more footpath.

MEL: How good was everyone’s sunburn. Jake – burnt as shit. Here’s a thing – I know Jake, Davey, Tara, and Leah. I know Flo. But who the fuck are half these people?  Like the guy who wants to bone Lisa Hyde?

JOSIE: Luke from Sophie’s season. He reckons he had a spark with Lisa, which I find difficult to believe because they are two of the most boring people in the Southern Hemisphere. Meanwhile, Tara ordering a drink while the others sit there bitching was entirely my vibe. “GIMME ANOTHER BLUE HAWAIIAN DOLL AND KEEP THEM COMING”.

MEL: “Who cares who’s hooking up with who, I’m here for the free margaritas, babey!”

Image: Channel 10