‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Will You Accept This Producer-Paid-For Engagement Ring, Tara?

Well, here we are folks. The momentous last episode of Bachelor in Paradise, the big finale, the HuGe BoMbShElLs that shocked us all. Myself (Josie, head of editorial at Pedestrian.TV) and senior style editor Mel have been tirelessly typing out our thoughts on this frankly ridiculous series for the past 84 years (seriously, it feels like forever) and bringing you these hilarious recaps which you all love. And this, I’m sad to say (but also happy because I get my life back) is the last one!

To celebrate the occasion, we gathered at my place with some other stars of our recaps, namely my boyfriend Julien (the Eden-lover, like seriously wtf man), best mate Al (whose dad got drunk in Fiji that one time), Mel’s cousin Tim (who creeped us out with his encyclopaedic knowledge of all the contestants’ names and ages) and his wife Alison (who probably had some tough questions for him afterwards about his weird obsession with Bachie people).

We ate pizza, drank wine and of course, wrote down all our thoughts for your enjoyment. So pls, enjoy:

MEL: HI MOITE! I’m going to extremely miss our recaps, I must say. But loving the fact we managed to wrangle ALL our cameo mates into one room for the ultimate Bachie recap party.

a disgraceful first attempt at a photo in which only tim nailed the brief

JOSIE: It was a beautiful thing. Even the cats, who have many feelings about Bachelor in Paradise which they cannot articulate in actual words, were involved. It was, as Tara would say, “so noice”.

that’s (slightly) better

MEL: I feel everyone should know that we had to grab the cats from random corners of the room for that photo, and they were NOT ENTHUSED.

someone pls help

JOSIE: In fact both Al and I received some flesh wounds from wrangling cats for said photo, but it was bloody well worth it. Tell you what else was worth it – the mountains of Domino’s pizza that we ordered for the occasion.

Guys this isn’t sponno but in a very real way Domino’s can u sponno us thnx, we’re hungry and broke

MEL: The best Bachie dinner post of the entire season, IMO. I also love the concept of carrying a stack of pizza boxes? Feels so high-school-sleepover. Which is apt bc these IDIOTS HAVE BEEN BEHAVING LIKE HIGH SCHOOLERS THIS WHOLE TIME. So. Let’s start with Jarrod and Keira – I STILL do not buy these two. I just don’t believe any of it. I’m not sure if it’s because Jarrod falls in love with everyone/thing at a moments notice? He would fall in love with one of the Fijian palm trees if someone stuck a face on it.

JOSIE: Specifically, a face with blonde hair. Boy has a type. I’m with you though – I don’t buy it AT ALL. Is it my cynical, post-UnReal brain saying this? Yes, it absolutely is. Don’t get me wrong here – I WANT to believe. I am the Fox Mulder of this operation.

But I just… don’t. It’s too perfect. These two amazing characters who are both just TV gold falling in love with each other after a coupla weeks together? It just doesn’t happen. It’s too convenient.

MEL: ALSO Keira is some fucking Kris Jenner level mastermind, I’m sure of it. She knows Jarrod is the perfect unlikely pairing for her and her glitzy Sydney socialite life, of COURSE we’d all froth them together. But as someone in our office said, girl bought gumboots for the vineyard. That feels fairly legit.

JOSIE: I’m so confused now. I think we’ll have to wait and see how this one unfolds? And seeing as how our interview with Jarrod today got MYSTERIOUSLY CANCELLED, we’re not going to find out through our own digging. Can I just say, commitment ceremony wise, Keira looked banging.

DAYUM, GIRL

MEL: She really did. Not an outfit I would choose for myself but she had forgone the excessive amount of body gloss in favour of a really bang-up fake tan – and the dress was hot as shit. Jarrod, meanwhile, was head to toe RM Williams vineyard vibes. Which like, I guess is on brand but also mate you’re in paradise, take the blazer off.

Stop this at once, this is not an equestrian event

JOSIE: He was so fucken sweaty during his little “I love you so much my princess I will take you to my vineyard and love you forever” spiel. Keira had to keep mopping his forehead down. Doesn’t help that he is still defying all scientific logic – sunburnt as shit, his body temp is all outta whack. And as Tim pointed out, it was probably 98% humidity in Fiji that day so poor Jarrod didn’t have a hope in Hades.

MEL: A combo of Fiji humidity and sheer fear of a nation-wide commitment complete with rings from GS Diamonds, Josie did you know GS Diamonds supplied the rings, hey I don’t think we’ve seen enough GS Diamonds logos this episode. As a zesty side note I just found out Tara’s engagement ring cost $1,910 of producer cash.

Idk guys doesn’t seem like GS Diamonds are spon for Bachie, no siree.

JOSIE: Mel, I might be wrong but I think the rings were supplied by GS Diamonds. I dunno, just a theory – they didn’t mention it or anything.

MEL: IDK I didn’t see anything to indicate that at all, Josie.

JOSIE: I know, I’m talking crazy.

MEL: I have to say, as a #FashionsInFiji segues – Osh, babey. That outfit was fire. The blazer! I will accept a Fiji humidity blazer only on Osh.

YESS BITCH fkn get it in your strawberries and cream blazer

JOSIE: Love the pink blazer. It was so zesty but also the colour of romance. He was so overly enthused during the whole episode too. “OMG SAM YOURE IN *LOVE* WITH TARA?!!?!” As your mate Alison pointed out, has Osh not been watching the show at all during filming?

MEL: Seriously, I feel like he was sent to Fiji, put up on some other side of the country where the water is clear in one of those ridiculous tropical villas with a plunge pool, and just wheeled out to introduce intruders. Like he has no idea what has been happening. I was surprised he didn’t say “Who is Tara again?”

JOSIE: “Wait…where…am I?”. Also Jarrod’s line “Ive been TRAINING FOR THIS for 32 years now”?? What??

MEL: Omg he is so fucking intense. What does that even MEAN, Jarrod? You’ve been training since you were a baby to… be in a relationship? What?

JOSIE: Let’s get back on track. Megan and Jake were next.

MEL: These two. I can’t believe they’re back together!? HOW. I just feel no chemistry with them.

OMG guys get a ROOM !

JOSIE: It was like Megan couldn’t get out of there quick enough? It’s weird, Jake has this kind of power over people. Like Flo clearly hated the man but at the same time also wanted to bone him and for him to love her. And Megan is all like ‘Yeah nah I’m not feelin’ it’ on the show but now here we are, they’re together. He is yet another demon with evil powers. Anyway their convo on the show did not shock me, I did not see them getting to commitment ceremony stage.

MEL: Neither. I’m shocked they’ve reunited, to be honest. I feel like he has that sexual pheromone bullshit all fuckboys have where you are repulsed by their behaviour but you keep going back for the dick.  Also how did they not ship a hairstylist out for these people for the finale? Megan’s hair was the most humidity-destroyed it’s ever been in this season.

“oi megan do u need some of my fudge texturising wax”

JOSIE: The hairstylist got stuck in the sludge. She’s still there, clutching her round brush like “Hello pls help”.

MEL: They put her on the bike/train thing but she took a wrong turn and is now forever pedalling around Fiji forever.

JOSIE: There were so many shots of the sludge I was almost turned off my dinner. Still managed to eat 5 pieces of pizza and one out of your hand though. Thanks for that selfless act.

Makes you just want to jump in, and by jump in we mean run screaming for dry land

MEL: I want it known also that Josie ordered an entire pizza in secret that was specifically geared to her tastes. “Oh guys this one is just one I wanted, it’s the Firebreather and I got it on Thin and Crispy bc I like it that way”. Speaking of the location, as my cousin Tim mused, they absolutely picked up this turtle from a local zoo and forced it to make it’s way into the ocean for visual effect.

Where the fuck am I

It’s absolutely died a horrific seal-related death. RIP you lowly shelly-boi, you are the true sacrifice of this show. MOVING ALONG FROM DEAD TURTLES! Your mate Al was shooketh when Megan was walking out with JUST a backpack, but thank Christ Jake’s suitcase was actually Megan’s.

Time for your first day of Kindy babe

JOSIE: Al loves to overpack so the backpack really killed her. She would have taken 3 puffer jackets “in case it got cold”.

MEL: So Grant and Ali. Hooooooo boy.

JOSIE: Oh lord. So intense.

MEL: Her dress must be mentioned because three people at our party say they saw her lady garden in freak wind accidents.

More like business at the back and party-like-it’s-3am-and-I’m-on-the-Cruisers at the front amirite

JOSIE: It was so aggressively waterfall. Like I get the high-low vibe but it was really, really mini at the front. And Grant’s suit. Al: “Is that… mushroom?” Julien: “Would we call that… puce?”

“Do you like, I used the suburnt skin Jarrod shed off his body last week”

MEL: It was some weird shade. They basically took Jarrod’s sunburn shade and made it into a suit.

JOSIE: HAHAHA totally. Flesh with a generous helping of mahogany. But what about the VIBES between these two? Like, they didn’t blink once the whole time. Just gazing at each other like “Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou” and kissing so much it was like their lips were magnets.

MEL: The kissing noises were revolting. As literally everyone pointed out, Grant has zero facial expression. Julien’s comment that he always looks bored – on point. I mean I want to assume he just has bitchy resting face but also I do not TRUST the Americans! I feel like all of them were there for publicity and publicity only.

JOSIE: Absolutely. But he did not need to take it that far? Like to take Ali aside like 2 episodes in and declare his love for her? If you’re just there for publicity, chill a bit mate.

MEL: Totally. He’s truly a demon! Just NO SOUL. Poor, sweet, angelic Ali. She bought it big time, huh.

JOSIE: She really did. She seemed so happy. But was also super intense like “I WANT SOME KIND OF RING AT THIS CEREMONY”. It definitely seemed like when she got the ‘commitment’ ring she was devo it wasn’t an engagement ring.

okay well this is not what I fucken well meant by ‘a ring’ you idiot

MEL: OMG her face with the commitment ring. But like WHY would you want an engagement ring on reality TV from a man who ALREADY gave another woman an engagement ring on reality TV before promptly splitting up with her?

JOSIE: Because Ali – as sweet as she is – is a little unhinged herself. Like she was completely wack on Tim Robards’ season. And as you said, she’s been engaged before so now she just can’t stop. NEED 2 BE ENGAGED.

MEL: Yeah true. Also – quick segue but I am NOT KEEN on Ali for Bachelorette. I actually like the girl but she’s so Snoozetown, Arizona on TV? No veuve cliquot to her at all, as I like to say (I do not like to say that but Im going to try and make it a thing).

JOSIE: You do that!

MEL: Do I need to explain “veuve cliquot” to you? OK I WILL. No like spicy zest. No bubbles.

JOSIE: Um yes I really enjoy Ali as like a noice sweet girl but Sophie Monk was the Queen of Zest.

MEL: And Georgia Love, who was a lot more low key than Sophie, was at least engaging on camera

JOSIE: That’s why Soph’s series worked so well. No one gave a fuck about the “journey” and the romance etc, they just wanted to see Sophie being a funny and a bogan.

MEL: Totally. Although I definitely think Ali will find love when she’s the one they’re gearing all the men around. She needs some nice simpleton with a lot of muscles. I’m envisioning an F45 trainer who loves his mum and has a cute Staffy pup.

JOSIE: Yeah and his name is like Clint or Steele or Rock or something equally manly.

MEL: YES. Steele. Amazing. So now to the most over-hyped couple in existence – Sam and Tara.

JOSIE: But well played Channel 10 for that Bachelorette reveal at the end. I actually very loudly screamed, frightening Leroy and Zoey and probably my human houseguests in the process.

MEL: You did, and you were sick and promised you wouldn’t scream on account of your sore throat.

JOSIE: And then did the exact opposite and now my throat feels like sandpaper. Wonderful stuff. Anyway yes – Sam and Tara. So as Tim astutely pointed out, we knew whoever went last was gonna be the proposal.

MEL: We thought they were going to curve ball us with Grant/Ali, but no – they went the cliche route.

JOSIE: It was a weird thing. Like, you and I were on this weird rollercoaster of emotions where we semi-bought into it like “Nawwww” but semi were like “What the fuck guys, you’ve known each other for 35 minutes why are you engaged right now. Part of me wanted to be a basic bitch and cry over it but part of me was a cynical old bat like “Well, this won’t last”.

MEL: 10000%. Part of me loves them because they clearly have a connection, they’re a good match. Both dorky little jokesters. Those damn cute jokesters!! But there’s a part of me that feels like they’re taking the piss out of us all with this proposal.

JOSIE: And the way they kept saying “Let’s get off this island!” We were ALL yelling: “You could have left at any point!”

MEL: OMG RIGHT?? Like shut up we all know you stayed for Wais‘ pina coladas. Also – you do NOT love someone after 3 weeks on a cordoned-off resort surrounded by some sub-par other humans you have no connection with. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – come chat to us in 3 months after Tara’s friends tell her they think Sam’s a douchelord and Sam’s ex starts calling non stop.

JOSIE: 100%. You need to go through some Real World bullshit before you’re ready to get married. Maybe they will get married, but it will be like a Marty and Jess from Big Brother thing where it lasts for 2 minutes because everyone stops caring.

MEL: Oh god I do hope if that’s the case we get a televised wedding. I’ll get on board if they give us a televised wedding.

JOSIE: Oooh like remember years ago when Trista and Ryan from the very first US Bachelorette got married on TV? I taped it on VHS for Al because she was on a family holiday in Thailand and couldn’t watch.

MEL: OMG are they still together, I’m gonna go Google after this. I MUST KNOW.

JOSIE: They absolutely are! I follow them with great interest. They have like 482 kids.

MEL: I have to say Sam’s proposal made one single tear well up in my eye.

JOSIE: Yes, I had a tear. It was all very cute.

MEL: I’m impressed Tara shed a few cinematically-perfect tears. I personally would have been internally screaming GET UP THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING THAT RING WAS PAID FOR BY PRODUCERS FFS.

JOSIE: Also backtracking a little but she could NOT walk in that dress/heels. Her feet were probably screaming out in pain and that’s why she cried.

MEL: Omg she was stumbling around like a jackaroo after a long horse ride.

JOSIE: Al said: “She walks like a footy front-rower doesn’t she?”

MEL: That is the perfect description! Tbh, it’s kind of what we love about Tara isn’t it? She’s just this no bullshit non-princess type who is super down to Earth and can’t walk for shit in heels. I was so into her makeup, as a beauty obsessive. Rust-coloured eyeshadow for everyone with blue eyes forever, please

JOSIE: Oh yeah her eyes fkn POPPED. Facially she looked divine. If she wasn’t engaged right now she’d 3000% be the next Bachelorette.

MEL: So… that’s it. We’re done here. Tbh I don’t know what to do with these four spare nights?

JOSIE: I might take up mindful colouring? I don’t know it feels weird to have all this SPARE TIME. Will I see you back here for The Bachelor?

MEL: Hahahaha is that even a question moite. Can’t wait for Honey Badger bullshit. UNTIL THEN, OUR FIVE (5) FANS!

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