Hellooooo Bachie tragics! It’s Mel (Senior Style Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial) here with our extremely basic bitch takes on all of last night’s Bachelor In Paradise, Episode 9 spicy events. And hot damn, was it spicy? It was a jambalaya of spice, my friends. We had people thrown under the bus (not literally but I’m waiting for Jarrod to rear his full serial killer head any day now), sex pests and a proper monsoon of crazy.

JOSIE: Mate, hi. As you well know I’m working from the Melbourne office this week so I’m currently coming to you live from my nice hotel room with a robe, wine and room service burger situation. It’s living. I forgot to take a picture of the burger before I hoovered it down, though, so you just get this empty plate.

I regret nothing

MEL: Wonderful stuff. Anyone who has time to take a photo of a burger before inhaling it isn’t doing burgers right imo so you’re good. Ok so first up – literally screaming at Osher‘s intense intro for this ep. “Couples were torn apart”, “one man went rogue to find love with the woman of his dreams”. Oshie, please. We’ve been doing this shit for what, 2 weeks max their time? No one is a couple, no one’s in love. Everyone needs to calm down about 200%.

JOSIE: Question – has Michael’s grenadine cocktail spew been hosed off the lawn yet?

MEL: God I hope so, imagine if he did a lil sneaky spew and the producers didn’t know, and then at some stage there’s just this little circle of vom in the back right corner of a talking head shot? I’d pay strong money for that.

JOSIE: Is Megan’s role in this show just “ask people questions to create an interesting plot line”? She’s clearly the producers’ hitman doing their bidding, as if she actually cares about these people enough to ask these deep leading q’s.

MEL: Right? Controversial but without her leading q’s is Megan the most furniture-like human being on this show now? Her “relationship” with Jake is piss-boring AND also will go absolutely nowhere bc he is a huge pile of compost trash. Without her egging on other contestants, she is of no use to me in this show.

JOSIE: Yep Meghan’s transformation into actual bookshelf is complete. Speaking of furniture, WOW we have not seen Luke and Lisa coming to life this early in a episode yet. The ottoman and the occasional table have spoken.

MEL: Loved that convo for the spice. Lisa’s whole “coming into this, I wanted to get to know Michael more” bullshit was wonderful. Mate you 100000% said yes to Michael to spite Luke for what he said about getting to know new girls when they come in.

JOSIE: YES! I was like UMMM LISA I am calling BS on you doll. She’s acting as though she was totally shocked by Michael giving her the rose but they had that zesty scheme-y conversation with a SECRET HANDSHAKE and she totally hinted that Michael should pick her. Lisa is playing the Human Ottoman. Poor Luke.

MEL: Right?? I’ve gotta say I had painted Lisa as a beige couch stain of a contestant on this show but maybe she’s secretly the most manipulative, idk. But also fucking looool at Luke being like “in relationships you need to work at it”. CANNOT.

JOSIE: OMG I literally thought Keira was sitting there naked during the Eden chat. Phewww just strapless bikini top, as you were.

MEL: Just naked with her fancy accessories on ONLY.

It’s called fashion look it up

JOSIE: Are they actually feeling sympathetic to Eden for pressuring Nina into kissing him? Sam, mate. Not woke at all bro.

MEL: FULLY I mean are you serious. Idk maybe other shit was said outside of what we saw?? That’s the only excuse I could imagine.

JOSIE: My room service burger appeared right when the date card stuff with Eden/Elora happened. I had to be polite to the 12 year old boy that delivered it and I missed the whole thing.

MEL: You didn’t miss much it was just Eden jizzing over the idea of taking Elora somewhere private so he can just sit there with a dumb/unhinged smile on his face saying “beautiful here, isn’t it”.

JOSIE: Is Michael actually pretending he is a dating expert RN? Mate you have literally no expression in your face and cried and potentially spewed last night. You cannot lecture anybody about dating.

MEL: “Getting all funky fresh” what planet does Michael live on?

JOSIE: Oh my god even the sand in Fiji/Chevron Island looks like sludge.

MEL: I KNOW. It has to be wet season. Everything is permanently damp there. Terrible decision. This is more like ‘Bachelor In London If London Had Sand’. Also HI EDEN STOP BEING A SEX PEST YOU FOUL HUMAN. He’s my new most hated person. What the FUCK was with him being handsy mchanderson with Elora on their first ever date? Are you bloody right, mate? So much unwanted touching going on and she’s trying to extricate herself, but he refuses to take the hint. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, EDEN. Hate him.

Literally get the fuck away from me and also bury yourself in this dirty sand mountain

JOSIE: YESSS – WHY IS EDEN SO OBSESSED WITH KISSING?

MEL: Oh my god, his crazy eyes? Like proper obsession with getting a pash.

It’s cute to maniacally stare at women and try and touch them when they don’t want you to haha I’m not probbo

JOSIE: It’s like they’re in high school and he’s the only one in his group who hasn’t pashed on with anyone and he’s just trying so HARD. I was cringing why was he smearing food on her whyyyy.

MEL: That was such uncomfortable viewing. I mentally jettisoned my brain out the window to avoid experiencing it. Also WTF? Sand boarding? Your best date idea was to send these people sand boarding? Honestly. Here you go mates, take these two old boogie boards and just push yourselves down that sludgy sand mountain over there!

JOSIE: The entire date was so boring and weird I basically fell asleep. Elora actively hates that man, I think Eden will be gone at the next rose ceremony, no?

MEL: For sureeeee.

JOSIE: Meanwhile – APPPOOOLLLOOOOOOO! Dying over this, he is an actual angel and all the girls are about to lose their minds.

Everyone is now pregnant bc they looked Apollo in the eyeballs

MEL: Again, clearly not watching Sophie Monk‘s season was a fail on my part because I don’t know shit about Apollo. But so far – GOOD. VERY GOOD.

JOSIE: No offense to every girl here but no one is good enough for Apollo, he’s so NICE. But I do think Ottoman Luke might be more in love with Apollo than anyone else.

MEL: I’m actually starting to get a little bit of a crush on the Luke, actually. He seems like a such a nice, sweet dude? Am I losing my mind? But agreed Apollo is a literal angel and they’re not worthy.

JOSIE: Yes Mel you’re losing your mind Luke is an ottoman that only comes to life occasionally, I feel you would be bored with him. Tara and Sam were clearly off boning somewhere. Sam: “Oh Apollo when did you arrive we’ve literally been rolling around in the sand for two days”.

MEL: “Oh wow Apollo hey ok bye again won’t see you til the plane comes to choof us out of here”

JOSIE: KEIRA IN THE GLOMESH MAKING A PLAY FOR APOLLO she is my hero. Tag yourself I’m Keira nearly missing the straw as she takes a sassy sip of her passionfruit marg.

Yes Apollo, put your DNA all over my straw so I can clone you

MEL: I’m the dead lobsters all over Apollo’s shirt.

JOSIE: RIP lobsters. I’m actually shook Keira isn’t properly going for Apollo. She really does love Jarrod doesn’t she. God I ship ittttt.

MEL: I mean part of me is a cynical shit who doesn’t believe Jarrod/Keira for a hot second. And the other part is suspending disbelief because god it’s so bloody good, their whole dramatic thing. LOL at “I’d probably kiss him, just for Australia”. Hahahahaha she’s the best.

JOSIE: Meanwhile what’s with lovely warm and fuzzy music they’re playing for Keira and Jarrod’s convo. Like they weren’t screaming across the pool two episodes ago?

MEL: Love forgives and love FORGETS, Josie.

JOSIE: Christ Simone’s flirt game bugs me. She just laughs hysterically at everything they say? “Hi Simone” “OHMYGOD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!” like she is literally in tears laughing? Over nothing?

Ahahaaaaaaahahahahaaaaahahahahaha
Baaaaaaahahahahaaaahahaha hey are you feeling light headed
Waahahahogfhdapahfdhakahdka *dies*

MEL: She’s the laughy drunk type for sure. Just can’t hold a convo and must wet her pants laughing to even form a conversation.

JOSIE: When she was laughing over sea turtles – mate I was attempting to hide under the hotel bed.

Is butter a carb

MEL: Omfg, “are they real?” was she fucking seriousssss? I mean I can’t really talk, I still can’t work out how the Earth turns and makes winter and summer but still. Who on Earth over the age of 4 thinks you can physically ride a sea turtle.

JOSIE: And how is that attractive? Personally, if I was a bloke talking to a grown woman who thought you could literally ride atop a sea turtle my penis would retract into my body.

MEL: Meanwhile – Elora creaming her athleisure tights when she spotted Apollo was a time and a half. She was proper outside of her body with excitement.

JOSIE: Mate, she was PROPER obsessed. Like POSSESSED even. Like a demon.

MEL: Literally like Demon Elora is here to suck the soul out of Apollo.

JOSIE: Omg when she had Simone in a death grip on the lounge being all “you TOLD HIM I LIKE HIM RIGHT” Jesus Christ.

MEL: Elora, mate. You need to pop several chill pills and go have a lie down.

JOSIE: So fkn intense. Being literally 2cm from Simone’s face like ‘YOU FOOKIN WOT M8 YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE’ except stroking her arm sweetly at the same time. Wild.

Hey BFFL love u also oopsie just stabbed you in the jugular soz

MEL: Meanwhile – my only #FashionsOfFiji comment is – why does Elora exclusively wear activewear? Even her evening cocktail hour outfit involved leggings.

Leggings are pants

JOSIE: Our mate Midge Quinlan was right back on her ~ Tahitian princess bullshit ~ later in those butt-cheek revealing swimmers though.

MEL: Meanwhile Simone’s rivalling Jarrod for most sunburnt human on this island.

I deeply regret my decision to use only SPF 8

JOSIE: You know what fucks me off about this show? The “bagsing” of people. Like no one belongs to anyone it’s 2018. What is it about this show that is making them all revert to being cavemen?

MEL: Right?? How the fuck did Simone mentally decide Apollo was “hers” because she spoke to him while Elora wasn’t even around? Bizarre. But then equally – why does Elora feels Apollo is “bagsed” because she said she liked him? Like pal, you can’t just spot someone and decide they’re your property. They’re not a robot (unless they are Michael).

JOSIE: Yes, Michael is actually an android so he is exempt from this. Both those women – terrible behaviour. Although I do get being pissed at your mate for sliding in on a dude you already said you frothed.

MEL: Yeah look if I had to pick a side? I’d go Elora purely because it’s a bit of a (can’t BELIEVE I’m using this seriously, this show is terrible for me) dog act to flirt the fuck up with a guy your “best” mate has told you over and again she likes.

JOSIE: I DOGGED ME MATE! Clearly Simone did not pay attention to Michael’s breakdown. All this outside the show gossip is so interesting, like I had no idea Simone and Elora were mates?

MEL: NEITHER! Wild.

JOSIE: I was screaming over Elora involving Wais in her scheming, hahaha. Wais is like “doll I absolutely do not care just take your house sparkling and piss off”. Also it’s Fiji not a crackling log fire in the blue mountains, why did she get Apollo a glass of full-bodied shiraz?

MEL: This is not the time for red wine. This is the time for Blue Curacao and Midori and you cannot tell me otherwise.

JOSIE: OH MY GOD can we discuss the bit where EVERYONE’S FIGHTING AND DEMON GRANT IS ASLEEP IN THE BACKGROUND?

MEL: Absolutely bloody a mood and a half. With his arm just slung over increasingly more wound up Ali? Fab.

JOSIE: I was weeping. Simone is screaming and Grant’s just peacefully slumbering over there, no doubt dreaming of gradually possessing every soul on the island until his demonic army is complete.

MEL: I actually loved that take down of giant-bonce-full-0f-ego Simone. Michael finally did something not-shit.

JOSIE: Omg the Jarrod and Keira date was CA-UUUTE. This is going to end in a) a proposal b) tears c) screaming d) actual murder e) all of the above. I love them so much.

MEL: I just love that there’s something going on there. They bring some spice to the table. They’re on camera giving us plebs what we WANT! Fireworks!

JOSIE: When Keira puts the hard word on him he turns so alarmingly red doesn’t he?

MEL: Puce Jarrod is back.

JOSIE: Also “When he goes out of his way to set up a picnic” lol Jarrod had absolutely nothing to do with this, like he didn’t duck down to Westfield to get the picnic mat and the cheese plate supplies to woo you. On dates – CHRIST Simone nearly knocked Apollo out when she fell from the kayak bahahahaha. Thank god she took your advice about waterproof mascara for this date Mel?

MEL: Very. That entire date was just a nip slip waiting to happen. How does this woman never flash a boob?

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Simone’s non-existent nipples that are always threatening to come out but never seem to appear.

HOW HAS SHE NOT HAD THIS BIKINI BLASTED OFF HER BODY BY A WAVE YET

MEL: I’m whatever the fuck’s going on here:

I’m Bon Jovi bitch

JOSIE: Finally some Sam and Tara time too, I adore these two. I want them to get married in the finale. Like who knew that two people would actually literally fall in love on this show, I’m honestly so shook. My face hurts from smiling. It’s totally normally to be crying over this cuteness right? RIGHT?

MEL: I’m so here for Tara and Sam but it’s also insanely boring already is all. Give me Jarrod and Keira’s sexual tension over their private boning any day. Also – Tara being all “no one’s done anything this nice for me, ever”? Like thanks for my terribly-built hut that the producers built beb, I feel so loved and appreciated. Am I a horrible cynic? Oh god.

JOSIE: Also as a quick extra #FashionsInFiji sidenote, it has to be said but Tara, honey:

MEL: Lol.

JOSIE: You know how I am convinced several of these men are unhinged serial killers? Well I’m 8000% convinced Elora is a murderer now. She’s unhinged and is definitely considering places to hide Simone’s body in the dead of the night. “I didn’t want to look crazy to him” lolol TOO LATE HONEY.

MEL: Yessss BUT I think Simone’s just as bad. They’re both mad as cut snakes. It’s like all the thoughts and feelings you keep on lock except they’re 4 wine spritzers to the wind and are saying everything they REALLY need to keep inside their brains.

JOSIE: That fight was insane. Simone was always getting into scraps on Matty J’s season, she’s so defensive. But then Elora was like “don’t create a scene” but she started the scene by being all Fatal Attraction over Apollo.

MEL: I died over the “you fucked Courtney on the couch” omfg. DYINGGGGGG. Love the spice. Can you even with the next episode and the fake love letter? 100000000.9999% that was Simone.

JOSIE: My take: all these people are unhinged and I’m going to bed.

MEL: Extremely fair call.