So here we are. Night 3 of a 4-day Bachelor In Paradise extravaganza, and me (Josie, head of editorial at PEDESTRIAN.TV) and Melissa (P.TV’s senior style editor) are quite honestly going even more batshit crazy than we already were, as we frantically watch each episode and type out these frankly genius-level recaps for you. We may feel like we’re going mad but at least we know we’re not at the extreme levels of insanity that Jarrod and Keira got to in this episode – like, they’re both unhinged and it has been just delightful / horrifying watching it play out on screen. Will it end tears / love / murder? We’re just gonna have to wait to find out.
JOSIE: First things first, I’ve had a DINNER DRAMA tonight. I wanted to cook one of my meal kits but the carrot they sent was all wrinkly and off. Then the other meal needed eggs and I didn’t have any. So I had to get takeaway – check out these balls.
MEL: DAMN, SON. Can’t wait for you to choke on those meatballs whenever anything shocking/lol happens. Surprisingly I too have a photo of my dinner, except I am not eating it. Here’s the salmon and veggies I ate, an hour ago, that my dad (who is my Bachie buddy tonight, against his will) is still eating.
I on the other hand have moved on to more pressing matters, namely a face mask and water in a wine glass bc my parent’s place was out of normal glasses. I think it adds some je ne sais quoi to the evening festivities.
JOSIE: Water?! Come on mate, it’s Tuesday night drink UP. So, onto the actual show here. It turned out that American Jared was as shocked as we were that he’s still on the show. Like, he’s openly admitted he wouldn’t know Laurina (who saved him with a rose) if she popped up in his bath.
MEL: He’s growing on me, he’s so polite and reserved. It’s such a nice, soothing foil to the giant Aussie pissbabies (“fuck off we’re full” Jarrod, Jake).
JOSIE: I’m loving this Ghost of Paradise BTS goss by the way. Turns out Laurina is the hermit of Fiji. Maybe she will stay after the show wraps, living in a hut and scaring off the local children.
MEL: I am frothing on Laurina. She just DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK. And I mean that in the best way – I don’t buy this shit that she straight up just wanted a holiday and DGAF about meeting anyone (although who would blame her, the guys in here are a fucking joke rn), I think she just does her thing, has a routine, is one of those introvert types that needs their quiet time and she doesn’t care that people think it’s weird. What a GEM.
JOSIE: I cannot wait for Jarrod to go and terrify all the other girls now he’s moved on from Keira. Watch them scatter lolololol.
MEL: I KNOW, he was running on pure revenge that entire episode, like when Simone walked in he was practically removed from his body with exaggerated horniness. Who can blame him? Everyone knows when someone rejects you, the absolute, fool-proof way to make them want you back is to leap like a mad fish onto and around someone else.
JOSIE: OMG SIMONE. When I first saw her walking in I was like, “who is this blonde person with these terrible wooden heels? She cannot walk. She’s gonna fall face-first through the pointless wooden doors, which tbh would be quite the entrance, can she do that please.” And then they revealed her and I was all “SIMONEEEE! Sassy little bitch who hates Leah!” I can’t wait for the SPICE.
MEL: I feel like I sleepwalked through the entirety of Matty J‘s Bachie season bc it was sooooo fucking obvious from day dot that he’d picked Laura, there was no point even watching? So I know v little about Simone. That being said, it’s absolutely time for a #FashionsOfFiji break bc that two-piece… WHAT WAS THAT.
JOSIE: Simone may be out to take Michael’s crown for Most Underdressed Person. She openly admitted that dress covered neither her nips or her bum. But OMG, Jarrod talking about her outfit. Why is he a high school boy he just loves booooooobies.
MEL: Didn’t he say “it’s almost like a red apron and a top”? LOL. I couldn’t get over that outfit. My issue with it was the cheap-ass, I-made-this-in-the-aisle-at-Spotlight vibe of it. Like straight up I made something resembling that for Year 10 Textiles and I failed that entire class. So what does that say, Simone? Huh?
I’m also going to go in on Elora‘s knitted ensemble because I knowwww her whole schtick is being ~Ms Tahiti~ and it works for her, she’s a babe, I get crochet, I just felt like that particular thing looked like a nan tried to knit a monstrously large baby a sock and then Elora ripped some armholes in it and wore it as a dress instead.
JOSIE: NEWSFLASH: Michael has an actual t-shirt on. That fits. I’m in shock here. Oh wait his piece-to-camera chambray number is entirely bursting at the seams. As you were.
MEL: Where does one buy this many skin tight shirts? Is there a skin tight shirt shop that exclusively deals in them and I’m unaware of it? Also WHY IS THIS HAPPENING:
The bloody BAKER BOY HATS were on screen at the same time/style is officially cancelled forever. Are you train drivers? Is the Bachie Express leaving the station? Woo Woo all aboard the train of style death led by Keira and Sam! Honestly, these hats and Minions – the only two inanimate objects that really fire up my rage.
JOSIE: Jarrod sunburn/nerves alert – He is getting redder and redder by the second. Simone may just cause this man’s head to explode Mel you are going to get your wish.
MEL: Please god yes. It’s all I want from this show. It’s all I ask for. He does go viciously red when he’s excited/nervous doesn’t he. I’m so sorry to say this. I’m so sorry. But…..
JOSIE: Uh-oh.
MEL: But…
JOSIE: MEL.
MEL: Imagine him mid-sex and how red he would go. I’M SORRY. Anyway I was underneath the couch during all of Jarrod and Simone’s interaction because that was like watching the worst Tinder date in history.
Dating tip: If all else fails, just laugh, a lot, at everything. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/ftVlRCVV3T
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 10, 2018
JOSIE: THE LAUGHING.
MEL: It was astonishingly insane. Just Simone maniacally laughing at things that really weren’t that funny – I don’t even think Jarrod intended them to be funny. Basically this was Jarrod:
JOSIE: I was shook that Leah and Simone were calmly chatting. They didn’t get along in the slightest on Matty’s season? Suddenly they’re gossipy zesty best mates? I’m disappointed I wanted a girlfight.
MEL: Yeah I feel like there’s not enough spicy conflict on this island. Sure, Jarrod’s out to make shit awkward with every girl possible and Michael’s walking around like a dejected puppy but where’s the flinty smiles and stinkeye stares? This show brings out the worst in me – to hell with my staunch feminism I wanna see some girls go IN on each other over dudes that don’t deserve it! I want IRRATIONAL RAGE OUTBURSTS! I want many, many champagnes thrown in other women’s faces!
JOSIE: OMG OMG. Speaking of Michael – the drunk almost-pash with Leah. Well not even an almost pash, just Leah re-affirming my theory that she’s the sex pest of this series. “I tried to pash him and it didn’t work.” Story of me, as a young single 20-something who just moved to Sydney. I feel Seen RN.
Oh no 😕 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/jz3g9wSod3
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 10, 2018
MEL: Oh man, that was painful. Story time – once I was at a festival and decided this guy was cute and then ruminated on it for like 400 hours and convinced myself, after 40 beers, that I needed to walk up to him (I did not know this man in the slightest, he had no connection to me or the friends I was with) and ask if he wanted to go out with me. THAT HAPPENED. And it was still less painful to witness I’m sure than what we saw going down with Leah and Michael.
JOSIE: Let’s talk Elora. ELORRRAAAAA! Tell me you say that in the Master of None voice?
MEL: Oh, obviously. You must. I don’t feel like Elora’s brought much to the island yet tbh. Except her split ends – did you notice this? ELORA. GO TRIM YOUR HAIR. YOU CAN KEEP IT LONG YOU JUST HAVE TO TRIM IT REGULARLY. In fairness, everyone’s so “coupled up” – fucking lol at that bc they’ve known each other for 0.0001 seconds – that she didn’t really have an ~in~ to start shaking shit up. But her date with Michael, snooze and a bloody half.
JOSIE: Yes, it must be hard coming in at this late stage where people have hooked up. But I disagree a bit, I thought she gave us some quality drama. Lisa the piece of furniture actually came to life when Elora took Luke away, for example. That champagne meanwhile was what I like to call a Newcastle Pour. To the brim mate, to the brim.
MEL: Tag yourself I’m Lisa‘s salty champagne sip.
JOSIE: I’m the wardrobe that Lisa will turn back into after this scene.
MEL: I know what you mean though – I actually just remembered Nina said something so LOL, she was like “she could certainly steal the man of someone else” and I thought mate, you are saying this bc you have suddenly realised GIRLS can also intrude on the island and Eden isn’t a sure bet anymore. Can you tell I irrationally hate Nina? I irrationally hate Nina.
JOSIE: I really wanted Elora to be as repulsed by Jake as I am, and I was SO SO disappointed when she didn’t ask Megan on a date – she just asked her for permission to take Foul Jake on a date. I was like NOOOOO SHE LIKES JAKE I WANT TO DIE I AM CHOKING ON MY MEATBALLS. He was such a tool about Megan’s sexuality. “Uhuhuuhurrr I forgot about that” – about Megan being openly queer. Like he’s actually such a pig. MY JAKE RAGE IS BACK MEL, IT’S BACK.
MEL: OH GOD I KNOW. He had such thinly-veiled fear of her queerness. Like sorry? It’s 2018? And she also had a very public same-sex relationship last year that you’re highly aware of? Maybe get the fuck over it Jakey boy or I’ll google your house and come egg it. He’s honestly the worst. He’s every fuckboy I’ve ever dated rolled into one.
JOSIE: It was all of them, too. Like YUK at Jarrod being all horny about the ~girls maybe potentially kissing~. This isn’t a Year 11 backyard party where people are experimenting, you twat.
MEL: UGH can they go for a walk in the rainforest and just go missing? Just missing, anywhere. I don’t really care. The river works.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Jake’s flinty stare when Elora walked off with Megan.
MEL: I’m the boy’s diet-friendly vodka lime sodas.
JOSIE: I was also shook that he rejected the date with Elora? Did I misjudge Jake? I am questioning everything. And then she scraped the bottom of the barrel. Expressionless Michael AKA my fave character.
MEL: YES let’s talk about that date bc dear Michael why do you sound like a HR rep and Elora is going for an interview at your workplace. Do you know how to have conversations? Because this is not how you do it – *stunned mullet face* “Oh! So! You do FIRE DANCING. That is so interesting HOW does one get INTO that?” *intense grilling stare into eyeballs*.
JOSIE: Nothing he is doing is convincing me he isn’t a robot. Elora had so much expression on her face and Michael’s forehead hasn’t moved since 2004.
MEL: He’s a robot, for sure. Michael is dead, the robot has taken over. Also quite interruption from my dad, who has asked “is that James Scott from across the road?”. I have no idea who that is. And no, dad, it isn’t.
JOSIE: Also wait, she’s from Hawaii? I thought she was from Tahiti? Nek minnit she’ll be like “Oh yes growing up in the Maldives was a vibe”. Theory: she’s making all of this up and is actually from Mudgee.
JOSIE: The spicy sexy jazz music for the glass blowing was making me sweaty and uncomfortable. Like calm down music editor? Meanwhile, my god Leah. Now you’re onto American Jared. This girl is on a mission.
MEL: I’ll give this to Leah, she’s living her best single life and fuck man, just share tonsillitis with whoever you want. Live your life. Good bloody on her. She’s a lot but at least she’s ballsy.
JOSIE: Oh man, the highlight of this episode was absolutely Keira/Tara/Laurina and their dance sequence. Just magical. I want to dance with Keira in a flesh coloured bodysuit with a baker boy hat. Sorry not sorry about the accessory of choice Mel.
MEL: The baker boy hat was a real disappointment but yes, what a time. Mainly for Laurina, who just went rogue and was firmly on her divorcee-yoga-retreat-teacher mood, which she really lives and breathes generally but was at peak levels in that bit.
When you and your friends pretend you’re in a talent show 💃 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/aqxz06NBPK
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 10, 2018
JOSIE: OMG why is Michael so awkward I was dying when he got back and was talking about his date. “Yeah cool cool cool she’s a top bird cool”. No one talks like that?
MEL: HE’S A ROBOT JOSIE he’s like those things Matt (PTV Tech Editor) is always loling about, the ones where an AI bot computer spits out the names of bands at Coachella or whatever. You know? Like he’s programmed to think what he says is normal.
JOSIE: Answer me this – why is Grant so triggered over Keira / Jarrod? Mind ya business it’s a bloody telly show we’re here for dramz American Demon Man. You know what enraged me about that little pep talk he gave Jarrod about Keira? Is that Grant feels the need to be self-righteous about Keira’s behaviour but didn’t think to say to all the girls “DANIEL IS A SEX DEMON WHO IS USING YOU”. Lucky the girls are smart and figured it out for themselves.
MEL: Ohhhh my god let me go IN on Grant. He’s just playing the fucking game, mate. He’s just better at it than Daniel was – Daniel went too hard on the spice and manipulation, whereas Grant is a sneaky lil SNEK and he’s picked one gal (Ali) and look, love Ali but she’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic isn’t she, especially on the love front, so she’s bought it big time. But actually he’s just enjoying his free holiday and new Instagram followers. So he picks spicy fights but he makes sure they make him seem like this pure, romantic, honest soul. I HATE HIM. HE’S THE TRUE DARK LORD. He is a giant turdburger with extra sauce and I hate him.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Jarrod’s limp as fuck ear flower.
MEL: I’m Ali’s visible hair extension strips. Hey can we talk about the other highlight of this episode – Keira’s absolutely gun drunk rant? I’m with you now, I fucking love her on this show.
JOSIE: Oh my god YES. I was like, if she doesn’t toss her drink @ Grant and Ali I want my money back Channel Ten. I actually didn’t know whose side I was on there. I definitely think Keira is being strategic with Jarrod but at the same time Grant can hardly talk.
MEL: Well you know where I stand on Grant. He’s the dark lord and at some point, he’ll grow fifty times his size and his jaw will detach and he’ll go “TIME TO ENTER THE DARK WORLD FOREVERRRR” and consume all of them in one swoop.
JOSIE: I’m living for all this Supernatural-style imagery. Will Sam and Dean run in and save everyone? Meanwhile, Keira’s angry sips of the passionfruit margarita and the yelling I am dead. I love how even when she’s storming off she takes her marg. Priorities – I’d do (and have done) the exact same thing.
Oh, we know Keira. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/V0dkLVsOIK
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 10, 2018
MEL: Fully, what a mood. When she was yelling across the entire pool area at Grant – fantastic.
JOSIE: Hahaha me and my bf Julien were fighting over Jarrod and Keira. Like a full argument in the ad break over who was right here. And then I was like “My god babe why are we talking about these people in the ad break, that’s our personal time”. This show is ruining not only these 3-day relationships, but my 8-year one. I was Team Keira obvi. But I reckon they’re both being hypocrites and they are both batshit.
Let’s move on to Laurina – at first I was like LOL Laurina has to do another date and she hates everyone, like the “I’m ready for bed” at 5.30pm was a vibe and a half. (S/O to Sam “you’re on a dating show not a sleeping show”) but now it’s just super sad after learning her brother passed away a month before filming.
MEL: Oh man, yes. I had a slight feeling something was worse than just “I don’t want to go on a date” because she’s been kind of off her usual Laurina bullshit for the entire series really. Like some shining moments but definitely a sad mood around her. The poor angel. I really like Laurina.
JOSIE: Same she’s such a pure soul. I did love the producer on screen – it’s UnREAL! And the spicy secret bungalow chat. “I don’t like anyone here!” Mate, neither.
MEL: Oh god yeah. She had a point tbh. Like she’s not the kind of gal you spring a “PICK SOMEONE IN TEN MINUTES” date on. Do that to Leah or Jarrod, you know? Laurina’s a delicate flower even when she’s in her prime. I’m so sad she’s gone but I 40000 percent understand.
JOSIE: That episode was super short, no?
MEL: Yeah, I was like “oh wow, I have some time before bed now, this is amazing, think of all the activities I can do!” and then I just ended up mindlessly eating way too much papaya while doing an unnecessary Wikipedia deep dive on the One Tree Hill actors. Turns out Chad Michael Murray is totally still married to that extra who played a cheerleader and they have two kids. The more you know.
JOSIE: MICHAEL IS CRYING IN THE NEXT EPISODE. MY EXPRESSIONLESS SON I CANNOT WAIT.
MEL: This is what I live and breathe for.
Because you loved this recap so much and you missed the last one, check it out right HERE. And of course, stay tuned for the next episode because we’re doing these four fucking times a week send help.
