Well didn’t we have a BANGER of an episode tonight, mates. Not only did we see some shock couples (Ali and Grant!? Keira and Daniel!?) we also had some GREAT levels of stage 5 clinger from one Jarrod, and the truly egomaniacal displays of large-bonceness from evil Daniel, the devil incarnate. RIP forever, never return m8.
As always, I (Melissa, Senior Style Editor here at P.TV) and Josie (P.TV Lord aka Head Of Editorial) are here to recap it all, read: copy and paste our messenger chat and add a few gifs. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.
MEL: Hellooooooo m8.
JOSIE: Mate I’m literally sweating. Have been slaving over the stove.
MEL: What’s dinner tonight?
JOSIE: Bangers and mash. I’m sweating like Jarrod at a rose ceremony. The gravy looks like puke.
MEL: Oh my god Josie it does not. I’m drooling. Cook for me pls mum. I’ve got company, my cousin and his wife are over so we’ve got a couple of guest stars for le recap tonight babey.
JOSIE: HEY GUYS.
MEL: Everyone can be involved in Bachie recaps! Omg for the final we should just have a big party at a pub and invite anyone who reads our recaps. Everyone who reads our recaps (all five of you) – yes?
JOSIE: Let’s start with Keira’s love triangle. When she was all over Daniel I was living. She was like the onion gravy to his spicy pork sausage. And Jarrod was NOT. HAVING. IT.
MEL: Tag yourself I’m Jarrod’s attempt at sun protection.
JOSIE: His angry fedora?
MEL: Yep.
JOSIE: Anyway I was dying over his anger toward the Yanks. I’m partially sad Daniel went home because if he’d stayed I think both our wishes would have been granted – Jarrod’s head would have exploded (your wish) and he was making actual death threats, so my wish of him revealing his true identity as a serial killer was really underway.
MEL: I just cannoooooot deal with Jarrod’s level of “ownership” over women he likes for, like, literally one second of life. Like mate. You were frothing Ali so hard not even a DAY ago. You were the most erect peen in her dick bouquet. I mean, you didn’t even pick Keira as your first choice at that rose ceremony! And now suddenly she’s the love of your life and you decide no one else can “have” her even when she herself is the one being like “hmmm perhaps not” to you? MATE.
JOSIE: I couldn’t deal when Jarrod was crying in his solo to-camera bit, all because Keira was MAYBE not interested in him. After one day. He’s a big piss baby. Also, the “I’VE GOT A VINEYARD TO RUN” tantrum was just a CLASSIC MOMENT. I was sobbing with laughter, hahahaha.
MEL: Right? Like mate you can’t force women to like you. Also you didn’t even LIKE KEIRA TIL 0.2 SECONDS AGO FUCK.
JOSIE: He was literally crying over a girl he’s known for six hours. I’m sorry but I had this much sympathy for Jarrod.
MEL: Look at how disinterested the cat I’m minding is tonight. This is peak #disinterestedcatsofBachie.
JOSIE: Mine too.
MEL: I wanna come back to Daniel because hooooo fkn boy, there’s a lot to unpack there. But can we talk Ali and Grant for a sec?
JOSIE: Fucken Jarrod, he said the word vineyard and now I’m stinging for a wine. On a Monday night. But yes, let’s talk Ali/Grant. But just quickly – this stock footage from last season of Survivor on Megan and American Jared‘s date is really beautiful.
MEL: Lol. At first I was like “wow, first nice day in Fiji so far” but then it seemed TOO nice. Like, someone’s amped up that saturation level nice. I mean we all know we’re on Chevron Island don’t even try and kid us Channel 10. So Ali. What is it with that girl.
JOSIE: Everyone with a penis wants to drown themselves/commit a murder for her.
MEL: She’s like the pied piper of peen.
JOSIE: Hahahaha. I just choked on my peas. I enjoyed the Year 6 playground conversation that happened when Michael asked Ali who she liked. “WHO DO YOU LIKE? WHAT’S THE FIRST LETTER OF THEIR NAME? UHURRHURRHURRR”.
MEL: My cousin asked “which one is Grant” when she said that and like fair point, have we just added 40 new people in the last 2 days? I don’t know what my own name is at this point.
JOSIE: Also lol at Grant throwing Leah mentally into the ocean while she thinks they’re engaged. She was LIVID.
MEL: Also their mini date. “I set up a mini-date with Ali” you did not. My cousin Tim goes “you don’t even know where the chairs and wine are mate”.
JOSIE: Ali has had so many mini-dates. Ali gets everything.
MEL: She’s like Ariel in The Little Mermaid which gives me great empathy for Ursula, tbh. Like fuck off Prince Eric, Ursula was just as hot as a land-human and actually spicier and more interesting than Ariel, if a little murderous. OK.
JOSIE: Should we dye our hair blonde and get fake boobs so that men will set up zesty little champagne situations for us?
MEL: Look, let’s give it a good old burl I reckon. Can we discuss how Ali was guarding her first island kiss like it was worth $5,000 an hour ago and then immediately shared tonsillitis with Grant at the first available moment? Huge about-turn.
Ali has been saving her first kiss, Grant is the lucky man! #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/i39GSfB9R2
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
JOSIE: YES. There was the classic Ali cuddle, and then OH MY GOD she broke the rule with a DEMON because Grant is absolutely playing you, Ali.
MEL: RIGHT? AS IF YOU CAN’T TELL HE’S PLAYING YOU OH MY GOD. “It was real” IT WAS NOT REAL.
JOSIE: She’s a sweet pure angel. Doll, he did this exact thing to Leah last night.
MEL: Speaking of – her nosy parkering around their mini date and catching them in the act – outstanding. Alison was like “why would you walk over there, why would you put yourself through that” and I’m like errrr I fucking would I live to self-destruct, mate.
JOSIE: She wasn’t even shocked, really, was she.
MEL: It’s like when you want to know exactly what your ex is doing, so you watch their Insta stories and the Insta stories of all their friends/family/colleagues/some person who lives in their street and frequents their pub. Do you LIKE seeing them in the back corner of a video blurrily making out with some girl (or maybe just standing in a dark corner we don’t entirely know)? No, but you want that info. You live for intel.
JOSIE: Quick break for… *drum roll* #FashionsOfFiji – JARRODS T-SHIRT SUNBURN. What a look.
MEL: We didn’t think he could make any more sunburn statements and yet here we are.
JOSIE: Also have all the guys accidentally put their washing on a hot cycle? Why is everything so small? And what the fuck was Grant wearing for the rose ceremony?
Leah saying what we’re all thinking #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/W2R08PfkL3
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
MEL: The only thing I care about is someone collecting all the baker boy hats on this island (I see you, Keira and Sam) and burning them until they’re ash. DO NOT TEST ME with baker boy hats. They’re an abomination and must be stopped. You know how there’s that rumour that two ladies get preg on the island? Well psych one of them wasn’t a lady it was a baker boy hat.
JOSIE: The only things mutliplying on this island – baker boy hats and North American dickheads.
MEL: YES. Although I was here for Keira’s zesty glomesh. That’s one style win from tonight. Moving on – what’s up with boring American Jarrod?
JOSIE: Ah yes, a man so boring that two (2) women have fallen asleep talking to him. That date with Megan was painful.
We’re no genius, but we’d say that’s pretty awkward. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/NLIJSWMwOa
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
MEL: I’ve never seen more “friends only” signals sent out without words tbqh. He’s a sweet cherub though, I want him to blossom and find love. I wanted to smack Jakes smug smile off his dumb head when Megan came back and said there was no vibe. I hope Megan falls madly in love with this dude or really, any dude or lady and absolutely bins Jake with no remorse.
JOSIE: You know what really sucked about that date? It made JAKE seem like a good prospect to Megan. When literally he was the wooooorst until these American chumps came along.
MEL: The only thing I was on board with was Jake’s sassy champagne sip.
JOSIE: The pinky was up. Hey, can we talk about Daniel yet?
MEL: Yes, we must. Alison said “I’m mad at this guy bc he’s ruining Canadians for me” and I can’t agree more. I love Canadians but this guy is literally a soulless demon.
JOSIE: A demon leaving tears in his wake. Him and Grant, really. Daniel is fucken savage, though. He has cold black eyes like a demon in Supernatural.
MEL: Fully.
JOSIE: Also his breasts are larger than mine. Look at his cleavage.
MEL: I can’t believe all these women didn’t see him playing them like Casio keyboards except for Laurina. That was outstanding, her power move.
JOSIE: PICKING “AMERICAN JARED”. I WAS SCREAMING.
MEL: Swear to god I went “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUUUCK”. Exactly like that reads, that’s the sound that came out of my gob. That was fucking WILD MATE. That’s what I want from this show.
JOSIE: And when Keira picked Jarrod and left Daniel in the cold, dark land of rejection? I was like “Daniel you massive slut you’re GOOOOONE”.
MEL: BYE FOREVER MATE. His angery bonce – what a mug, it was wonderful. He really didn’t see it coming. Was mildly disappointed his head didn’t explode, but happy with this spice thank you LENORA.
JOSIE: He really didn’t take that well. I wonder what he said to Laurina?
MEL: Same. I wish we had like a BTS Bachie feed, like when they used to have that 24/7 Big Brother feed going on the internet. Hey – speaking of the evil Americans, can we discuss Nina/Eden/Grant?
JOSIE: When she said “Eden and I have just been cruising for soooo long” Read: 3 days.
MEL: I was shooketh that they hadn’t yet kissed. I’m sorry, what?
JOSIE: Everyone on this show talks so much about pashing it is literally me and my friends when we were 14.
MEL: The whole twist to their seemingly perfect (if the WOOOORST) relationship was wild. Like when your couple-friends have this perfect-looking relationship on social media, and then they break up and your like WHOA I thought you guys were 100/10 into each other, what were all those emotional love quotes about then? LIES?
JOSIE: And she admitted she didn’t even WANT to kiss him? But she’s confused? About whether she wants to continue dating him?
MEL: I know! What even was that! And then she was like “I feel like we have a strong connection”. Do you? You can’t even be arsed locking lips.
JOSIE: I had no sympathy for Nina when she was having a cry. “I WANT TO BONE TWO GUYS ITS SO HARD!” Also no offence to Nina, but how did she not see through Daniel’s scheming? “I’m physically attracted to you” he says through gritted teeth. “I want to take that sensible white knee-length cover-up off you”. I almost up-chucked my bangers and mash at the shit he was saying.
MEL: I feel like Laurina decided to bin Daniel after that group girl pow-wow where they were like “uhurrrr we all like him someone just pick him so we can rip each other’s throats out over him”.
JOSIE: Laurina when she shaded Keira in that chat, hahahahah. I shouted laughing “you went up and kissed him on the lips, I think he knows you’re interested”. Meanwhile, confession time: Daniel is so repulsive, but I like his hair in the piece to camera bits. I’m sexually confused over this.
MEL: Same. He looks kinda good in a white tee. He’s foul in personality but also he’s crisp from a visual perspective, sometimes. God I can’t believe I admitted that.
JOSIE: Maybe I’ll go up and kiss him on the lips and see how I feel.
MEL: Hey, how’s how Luke gave signs of life tonight.
JOSIE: I know, he’s weighing in on drama and I’m like, I swear he was an ottoman a minute ago. He’s like the furniture that comes to life in Beauty and the Beast.
MEL: He was probably that chair Keira and Jarrod had their D&M/first kiss on.
JOSIE: He’s like * muffled * “guys get off it’s me, Luke”.
MEL: Speaking of – the Keira/Jarrod snog.
JOSIE: That really escalated. Like, two seconds before that she was storming away from him in a g-string bikini.
MEL: I was dying over how awkward that kiss was. She did ALL the work. Which is great, like loved her just being like “you get a kiss now” but Jarrod, mate, that was your CUE. He just sat there like a sea cucumber while she flicked her hair about and gave him sex eyes, and in the end she had to lean ALL the way in for the smooch. And even then, he was reeling back a bit before he got into it! DUDE.
“You can have a kiss now” #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/Hy7AD7Kzid
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
JOSIE: And his comment “Keira is like Madonna. There’s only one Madonna”. I was cackling. What?? God, he was so happy too with the whole thing. His face was breaking in half. Um, Mel. My best mate Al messaged me at this point and was like “Where the hell are Tara and Sam?”
MEL: Yes!!! Great point Al welcome to the group chat.
JOSIE: They had not been on the camera for about 40 minutes, honestly.
MEL: They’re fucking in the outdoor shower, like the rumours hinted. That’s absolutely what was happening.
JOSIE: A big long root while Jarrod / Nina / Leah were crying. OMG – MICHAEL AND LEAH. Let’s come back to that bc that paddleboard scene, lolololol.
MEL: Savagery is this – “Friend basket for me” ouch Michael. Just say you’re not vibing romance with her or something, don’t bring BASKETS into it, that’s one tiny detail away from a bin.
JOSIE: I’m fairly sure he subtly fell off his paddle board. Julien at least thinks so, he was cackling. Also oh my god, this line – “YOU CAN BUILD A BODY IN A GYM BUT YOU CANT BUILD A HEART”. Says Michael, the expressionless robot. I actually had tears streaming down my face. Christ, he entertains me.
MEL: Jarrod just got increasingly more batshit as this episode progressed. He definitely hasn’t lost the stage 5 clinger biz. Like when he found out about Keira/Daniel kissing?
JOSIE: Which was excellent, by the way – Keira cackling to the camera after it happened? I LOVE THIS BITCH.
“We had a sneaky kiss” #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/FRNCZN8BQA
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
MEL: I was just like, ohhh my god Jarrod I was rooting for you how dare you.
Doing that shithead guy thing where you decide a woman telling you she’s not keen is “being played”?? NO. YOU DON’T GET PLAYED WHEN SOMEONE IS HONEST WITH YOU, YOU STUPID BOOB.
💔💔💔 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/YhMCSI3v2W
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
JOSIE: The girls on this show are straight up and I am here for it. Also, I would like it to be known that I was not rooting for Jarrod. If he says Keira played him one more time before this season is through, I’ll pay serial killer Mack to stab him in the dead of night.
MEL: I literally said OOF out loud at this – “I’m going to use that chivalry on another girl”. Or whatever. Something along those lines and like wow, extreme levels of pissbaby.
JOSIE: Quick survey: what is more in tatters at this point?
1. Jarrod and Keira’s relationship 2. Michael’s singlet.
MEL: Looool. Also when Jarrod goes “They’re taking advantage of our Australian women”. I’m sorry? Are you a “stop the boats” guy? Next thing he’ll walk in here with a “fuck off we’re full” singlet on.
JOSIE: Daniel at the cocktail party was something else. The man was in full Satanic sex mode.
“They call me Gepetto because…” #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/DdGtl4d1vh
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
MEL: He reached peak demonic entity, didn’t he.
JOSIE: My new theory – Daniel is a four-dicked demon who wanted to bang everyone at once.
Nina picks… Eden! 😱 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/prKGWpKCAg
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2018
MEL: Eden – “He was saying all the things I wanna hear but he wasn’t looking me in the eye” yeah coz he’s a PSYCHOPATH.
JOSIE: Daniel is even more psychotic looking than Michael. You know what I enjoyed about this episode? The minimal amounts of Jake.
MEL: Yes, it was refreshing. I wondered why I felt so calm.
JOSIE: I’m usually filled with rage. I was so zen. The rose ceremony music was so dramatic. I feel like it was the same music played in Titanic as the ship went down?
MEL: Alison said every time someone picked up a rose there was this “waTOOSH” whip sound, someone should probably see if the music editor is doing OK. What a wild ride of an ep though. Now that we’re clearly getting some properly produced ~dramaaaaah~ I’m back on board with this 4 nights a week biz.
JOSIE: Same. Take my liiiife!
If you are frothing on this recap, check out our completely batshit thoughts on Episode 4 right HERE. And obviously, keep checking back for our takes on episode 6 and 7 which are also happening this week MY GOD ITS SO MUCH.
