Another episode of Bachelor In Paradise, another night of tears and partner-swapping and murder eyes. And of course you’ve got Josie, head of editorial here at PEDESTRIAN.TV and senior style editor Mel to talk you through the episode. Please join us as we have a mild mental breakdown at the thought of giving up not two nights of our precious personal time, but FOUR.

Can’t guarantee that these recaps will make any sense whatsoever by the end of the week, but here we are.

MEL: HELLO. Ready for our week of purgatory with four fucking nights of Bachie. Sorry Osh but no one asked for 4 nights of Bachelor In Paradise and if they did, they need to seriously question their life priorities.

JOSIE: Hi doll. First things first – look at my nutritious dinner.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
grape juice and potato salad

MEL: Josie, I expected nothing less from you. If there wasn’t wine involved I’d be concerned.

JOSIE: It’s no Massaman curry but it will do. I’m disappointed Apollo didn’t appear tonight, by the way. I need Apollo. He’s in the posters, if he doesn’t appear then I want my money back.

MEL: I feel like missing Sophie‘s season has really been a detriment to me in terms of watching Paradise. I did not know ANY of these Sophie guys at all. But no, it wasn’t Apollo night it was NORTH AMERICAN INTRUDER night, which I had no care for even though my mate Emma watched the US show and said they were good value. Which… they were.

JOSIE: I was excited to meet the cheesy Americans. Love how Grant was like “we got engaged” but just… didn’t explain what happened to her until Osh brought it up. Did he kill her? Did she fall off a picturesque cliff? We do not know.

MEL: I mean you just really want this serial killer sub-plot is what I’m hearing.

JOSIE: I believe they are all serial killers. I reckon that’s gonna be the twist. The winner is whoever escapes the clutches of the 4 serial killers on the island.

MEL: I’m sorry but who gets engaged on Bachelor in Paradise? That’s as bad as proposing to someone in the middle of Hugo’s in 2007. For the non-Sydney folk, Hugo’s was a very basic bitch bar in Kings Cross and everyone on the premises (including me) wore bandage dresses and Jeffrey Campbell heels.

JOSIE: Speaking of fashion – brief #FashionsOfFiji interlude! I feel like Michael will be threatened because Grant has a pair of white capri pants that are even more terrible than his.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
What are THOOOOOOSE

Also, Jarrod has officially gone a shade of red not found in nature.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
For the love of all things holy someone introduce this man to sunscreen

MEL: Jarrod is an unhealthy puce now and I see nowhere for this to go but for him to show up next episode as a large piece of leather.

JOSIE: Next episode – Jarrod is just a handbag. Someone rummages in him for a packet of mints.

MEL: I’m not here for Osh’s fade. Can we stop with fades? Please, god? Why does every man in existence currently have a fade?

JOSIE: I’m sick of fades. But you know what, anything is better than Sam’s godawful comb-over. Can we also note that moment when Michael’s pec was escaping that ill-fitting YD shirt.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
*pec struggles to break free of YD confinement*

MEL: Mack was also on Michael’s trademark ~toooight~ black shirt game tonight. They’re roomies, right? He’s obviously stolen his black shirt from Michaels’ wardrobe.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
This is some single white female shit

There was also a point where Michael looked like he was literally in a child’s tank top.

JOSIE: He absolutely shops in the kids section. OMG. LAST ONE but BLAKE‘S HAIR.

MEL: OH GOD YES. Blake trying to lose the dickhead tag with some spicy braids. It’s not going to work, Blake. Six playful plaits will not make me forget you assaulted a man and then were all “I had to miss sooo many events because of the drama everyone’s made about me assaulting a man”. Anyway back to our hot American firey Grant. All the women are 100000% just envisioning the instant US visas they can score if they hit it off with this guy.

JOSIE: I couldn’t get past his chin. It is SHARP. You could throw carrots at it and they would be julienned in seconds. Michael was SO threatened. I enjoyed all the girls going nuts over Grant since that’s what the boys did with Ali.

MEL: I’m sorry are the Americans demons? Why are they being so terrifying with all their “I go after what I want and I get it” talk. When Daniel was rubbing his hands together like a budget Mr Burns? What?? Stop that.

JOSIE: Definitely a psychopathic vibe. He might be another serial killer.

MEL: Tag yourself I’m Nina’s mental dumping of Eden as soon as she spotted Grant.

JOSIE: Leah was one step away from just enveloping that bloke between her thighs. She was KEEN.

MEL: Leah mentally sat on his face within seconds of meeting him. That was INTENSE. That whole power-play, like fuuuuck me I haven’t seen that level of 100 degrees celsius flirting since my old World Bar days (World Bar is also a Kings Cross club non-Sydders, and why I am referencing so many Sydney clubs tonight I do not know). Could you even deal with Lisa Hyde‘s over-the-top squeal about fucking Bikram Yoga when she was having her Grant pow-wow? “Omggg we both do BIKRAM!!!!???” Not like it’s the most common form of yoga ever or anything wooooooow.

JOSIE: Did you hear the bit where My Most Hated Person Jake described the relationships on the show as “steady relationships” and how he was so cut the US guys were fucking with that. Mate, you’ve known these people for 4 days.

MEL: Hahahaha steady one week relationships. I don’t even think it’s been a week in their actual time. JFC. Side note – I’ve gotta say if Keira’s boobs are fake they are GREAT.

JOSIE: Yeah they are fake she openly admitted it.

MEL: I’m so impressed.

JOSIE: How sweaty was Keira when she thought Grant was coming over to her. Like, there was a picturesque waterfall on her top lip.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
hes coming hes coming he’s– oh wait no hes not

MEL: A mix of nervous sweat and the general humidity sheen they’re all sporting.

JOSIE: Sometimes I think how sweaty I would be on this show and it frightens me.

MEL: I am telling you now, I would have whole face dermatitis AND a constant, dripping sweat moustache. No one would touch me I’d just smell like Dermaid and be greased up in Q.V. Hey let’s talk Leah and Grant and that whole shit-show. My sister Kate was like “there’s something about Leah that’s so bloody awkward” and we couldn’t put our finger on it. I want to say it’s because she kind of seems like that girl you were friends with at school who brags about hooking up with all these boys at parties or stealing shit from Myer, but you can see through it and really she just wants people to like her because she’s “edgy” and “a rebel”? Have I over-analysed here, it wouldn’t be the first time.

JOSIE: Whatever the go is with Leah, she  played the fuck outta that whole situation with Grant. Like, it was a bit gross but at the same time I applaud her commitment.

MEL: 100%, she fucking managed the shit out of that. Manipulation level 10.

JOSIE: That date was wild. It wasn’t raining, she was just jizzing everywhere.

MEL: I was so uncomfortable I folded in on myself. She seemed like she was straight up going to fuck this guy in daylight. Kate was like “it’s like the start of a bad porno” – not wrong.

JOSIE: Who knew Leah would be the sex pest of the series. When she undressed him and moaned over his abs?! 100% a bad porno.

MEL: Also Ok sorry snorkel hand-holding is not a mood. FOCUS, YOU GUYS.

JOSIE: I’m too scared of fish to find any of that romantic.

MEL: And what a surprise, they had a big old tonsil hockey sesh.

JOSIE: Ewwww that pash was a disgrace. We’re going to see it this whole date on PornHub next week.

MEL: I felt -1574592% turned on. This isn’t even entirely Leah/Grant’s fault tbh like camera people can you NOT zoom in on the tongue action? I want romantic smooch vibes not the trading of tonsillitis.

JOSIE: PornHub title: AMERICAN MAN BANGS EXTREMELY KEEN AND NOT SUBTLE AT ALL AUSTRALIAN BLONDE.

MEL: $50 says they definitely fucked after that.

JOSIE: The Mack/Ali/Michael love triangle was a great addition to tonight’s ep.

MEL: Oh god briefly on Ali before we deep dive, Jarrod is shitting me. The whole thing where he was dirty that Mack picked Ali before he had a chance. As my sister said: “Jarrod you can’t just bags someone”. Like, he can’t just DECIDE Ali is “his” because he wants her to be.

JOSIE: No. But that’s the beauty of this show. People are so territorial. They’re like little Jack Russells. Also – Jarrod likes Keira now? Five seconds ago he was sobbing about Ali, and then we see him romancing Keira like she’s the love of his extremely sunburnt life. Keira was such a straight-shooter with him though, I love her. 100% calling him on his bullshit behaviour at the rose ceremony last week.

MEL: Ok so Mack/Ali/Michael. I see Mack and his terrifying stare are back, after his beautiful, grey, pissing down rain swim went awry.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
I will murder you and your entire family

JOSIE: I thought Mack was going to drown Ali and blame the “stormy weather”.

MEL: His attempts at flirting – I am now so folded in on myself, I look like a squashed Coke can. Mack: “I didn’t expect to meet anyone like you on this series”. Ali:

Concerned Academy Awards GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

JOSIE: Those two complimenting each other was making me choke on my Kettle chips.

MEL: Kate was all “look at how Ali walks around it’s like she’s drugged. Has someone drugged her?” which is really aligned with your serial killer fantasy.

JOSIE: THANK YOU KATE. Also it’s a theory not a fantasy. I’m not a sicko.

MEL: I mean it’s my fantasy. I’m a sicko. Let’s get some STABBY STABBY on this series!

JOSIE: You know what would liven this up? A MASS MURDER!

MEL: Some LIMBS IN THE OCEAN! A HEAD ON A STAKE! Michael’s attempt at wooing Ali was so much better but like, bitch you did not set up that “little champagne cheese area” because if you did, you would think of a better name than “little champagne cheese area”.

JOSIE: Yeah, how did Michael swing a cheese plate? Did he bribe the bartender Wais?

MEL: I’m actually disappointed Ali didn’t ~click~ with Michael because IMO they’re a straight up match. Two boring robots.

JOSIE: I’m still so amused by Michael’s face. She gave him a compliment and his face looked as if she’d just told him his whole family had perished in a boating accident.

MEL: His multiple kiss attempts RUINED ME. I couldn’t take any more awkward cringey moments in this episode, I am currently a thin piece of human flesh, having been garbage-compacted by cringe.

JOSIE: That was the lamest hug ever. “You smell nice”. No she doesn’t she smells of Rexona and bronzer.

MEL: Oh god, it was so uncomfortable. “Don’t break your rule” uggdhsksvdkegdfbwdiw.

JOSIE: Also – shit, I didn’t realise Mack shares a room with Michael, and will absolutely be stabbing him to death tonight after that date.

MEL: RIP Michael we hardly knew ye due to ye inability to show any form of emotion on your face.

JOSIE: For a bit I was like, is Ali keeping her cards close to her chest or is she just an idiot – but she kind of came through on the breaking-guys-hearts front tonight, didn’t she? Brutal honesty.

MEL: Yeah she could have just ghosted them – although I guess given they’re all shoved together on an island, the only way to do that would be walking into a corner and standing there like a mannequin any time they came to talk to her – but she did the honourable thing and was HONEST. And what did it get her? Two whiny babies who took 395690274 years to get the fucking hint that someone can… just not be into you. It happens. Sometimes girls with dick bouquets are going to throw a couple of those flaccid peens in the bin, OK?

JOSIE: Mack was not OK with how things went down. He’s 100% going to do a murder tonight. Look at his murder eyes over her sad head, trying to find a weapon to end Michael with.

Bachelor In Paradise Australia Recap
“i think what’s happening here is called human emotion but im not sure because psychopath”

MEL: Yeah he’s plotting how to choke Michael with his own intestines, for sure.

JOSIE: That whole bit of Ali crying felt way too intense for this show.

MEL: Yes – I don’t want to see someone’s genuine mental health issues about rejecting people! I want someone crying because their boyfriend of one day just kissed someone else in front of their eyeballs!

JOSIE: Yeah I just want to see zesty fun and drunk people getting cross with each other. And murderous horses.

MEL: Yeah not like proper crying because you clearly need to talk to a psychologist about your people pleasing.

JOSIE: She was like sobbing. I just want like tantrum crying. Like Tara a few eps ago.

MEL: Yeah same I want screaming and champagne throwing – but not Flo. DO NOT BRING FLO BACK.

JOSIE: Ok so we also got Canadian Daniel. This bloke’s pecs are bigger than any of the girls’ Tupperware tits.

MEL: He is only shoulder. There’s nothing to see but shoulder and bicep.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
this is illegal

JOSIE: Where is his head.

MEL: Idk I can only see shoulders, I can’t help you with that one.

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Blake’s hypocrisy as he calls Daniel a dick.

MEL: I’m shoulder since it’s all that I can see right now. There’s nothing to be tagged as besides Daniel’s shoulders.

JOSIE: I was living for how threatened all the guys were hahahaha. Jake impersonating him? Hahahaha. Loving.

MEL: I was also living for how Nina, Mrs. Eden, the island love coach and smug-married I wanted to SLAP for being so annoyingly smug, was frothing over Daniel. That whole netball convo – dead. My friend Luke was like “he doesn’t give a FUCK how many nights you play netball!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NINA!”

JOSIE: HERE IF YOU NEED DANIEL!

MEL: Kate just goes “what do you reckon, bitchy, kinda controlling – GD?” Which is my position. Kate, rude.

JOSIE: I’m uncoordinated but dependable WD. My boyfriend got home right when that Nina/Daniel chat was going down and he was all “WHO IS FUCKING WITH EDEN, THEY’D BETTER GET IN THE BIN”. Side note – I’ve never seen anyone take as sassy a sip as Daniel, so I was here for that.

MEL: That was an extremely sassy sip. I was here for Jarrod’s head being explosion-imminent over Keira’s chat with Daniel. I think my dream of witnessing a human man’s head explode on this show is still alive, Josie.

JOSIE: Same, I think it will be Jarrod for sure.

MEL: Jarrod is encroaching on the territory taken up by Jake/Blake in Fuckboy Land and he needs to COOL IT. “He’s here to take all our women” – straight up Jarrod I’m this close to putting you in the bin for thinking these women are your property. YOU CANT BAGS A LADY YOU LIL BITCH. PIPE IT DOWN, SON.

JOSIE: I know, Jarrod was even wearing Fuckboy Nipple Singlet which he must have borrowed from Jake, my most hated human. How gross was his his moon-staring time with Megan.

MEL: Ewwwww Megan you can do so much better! Controversial but I’m undecided about whether I hate Jake more than Blake. He’s just SUCH a fuckboy. He’s the worst. Blake is the worst for what he’s done outside of this program but Jake on this island takes top gong.

JOSIE: I hate Jake so much more than Blake.

MEL: Lol at that fighting crabs interlude, some producers was like dude this is great content, the juxtaposition of the crabs fighting, it’s like the CONTESTANTS FIGHTING BRO!

JOSIE: Hahaha totally – they probably got the crabs drunk and egged them on.

MEL: I was laughing like a drain over Nina and Daniel’s hike date in the mud. I was waiting for someone to get swallowed by a sinkhole.

JOSIE: She was like “Eden who?” Meanwhile that mans bicep is bigger than his bonce.

MEL: I could NOOOOOT with the attempt at crossing a fucking river rapid. That was the most terribly produced piece of reality TV I’ve ever experienced. I think we’re all jaded from watching too much UnREAL, tbh. Like mate no producer is letting you cross a raging river with a girl on your back.

JOSIE: And then that hired this actor pretending to be a local just pops his head out from the bushes? I was crying hahahaha.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
you shall not pass etc

MEL: Right? What was the play by play there. “Hey guys we’re going to have you fake-cross the river and then this local Fijian man will spring out and tell you it’s dangerous”. Producers – you’re no Quinn and Rachel.

JOSIE: Here’s a vibe – Eden stress eating peanuts.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
*imagines peanuts are Daniel’s biceps*

MEL: He was really demolishing then hey. I sense a toilet issue later for Eden. Tag yourself I’m Nina’s sensible rash vest. Worn at night.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
“I will NOT end up like Jarrod I will not become a leather handbag and miss my chance at love”

JOSIE: I’m the fountain of sweat that they’re bathing in. He thought the rash vest was banging, though. His creepy staring at her tits was overwhelmingly uncomfortable viewing. AND THEN SHE ZIPPED IT UP. I was choking.

MEL: He’s like “We have amazing chemistry.” Mate I saw no chemistry there, if anything Nina was trying to escape you and frantically pressing some sort of underwater panic button.

JOSIE: My big question was who would get in a hot tub In Fiji. Fiji is one giant hot tub.

MEL: She was like sweat on sweat in that thing. I felt for her.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
same tbh.

JOSIE: Moving on – I’m glad Blake took his braids out for that chat with “Lenora”. He looked like someone whacked him in the face with a saucepan after she dumped him. “So…okay”.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
uhururrr okay

MEL: What’s with all the guys not getting the very-fucking-obvious hints?

JOSIE: And then Sam’s consoling him? Julien was like “Sam’s Dr Phil with a headpiece”. Wow at all the men being so angry tonight, by the way. Even Luke who I actually thought was a piece of furniture up until this point.

MEL: Let’s talk Sam and Tara’s date, the only redeeming couple on this show tbh.

JOSIE: I couldn’t get over “Oh like we haven’t kissed but we’ve hugged and stuff”. Straight up a year 8 school dance. Side note – what anti frizz is Tara using?

MEL: OH MY GOD YES. Tara has nailed the hair products. Whatever she’s using I want it. Tara if you’re reading this tell us your secrets immediately.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Can Jarrod Get Any More Sunburnt That Is The Question
That is some fucking hair and makeup voodoo Tara and we need to know about it

JOSIE: OI TARA IM A SWEATY MESS HELP ME.

MEL: It’s insane that the beige puddle of a chat Sam/Tara had is the most romantic thing to happen all season. I swear they said fresh fun and fruity 40 times.

JOSIE: No WAY I loved it. All they did was grin at each other, and I was crying with joy.

MEL: But the whole bit where they’d already talked about where a good first kiss would be? What?? Josie no it was TERRIBLE. I expected more from the two funniest people here.

JOSIE: I knowww but I’m just clutching at straws here. They’re cute. I just want someone to ship.

MEL: I’ll say this – the imminent kiss was equal parts painful and edge-of-my-seat television. Like Sam – she’s looking AT your mouth Sam. Just kiss her.

JOSIE: OH MY GOD I was like JUST DO IT. DO IT IN FRONT OF THESE RANDOM FIJIAN MEN PLAYING YOU MUSIC.

MEL: And then it was like wow ok we are really kissing. Open mouth tongue everything.

JOSIE: She almost swallowed his jaunty baker boy cap whole. Last thing – god there was so much in this episode. I’m actually so obsessed with how triggered Jarrod was over Daniel. And Blake all shit-faced on cheap champagne. Lenora broke his heart and now he’s trollied and is smarting to fight. He says he’s not one for conflict but his eyes say otherwise. Also Mack is one of those guys who calls girls “gewls”.

MEL: Goyles. Anyway that miniature tiff was less than I wanted but I’m hoping the Mack/Jarrod tension continues to build until someone at LEAST gets shoved in the pool.

JOSIE: Tomorrow looks lit.

MEL: Yesssss babey here for Nina’s emotional breakdown! As long as it’s not depressing like Ali’s and spicy like Tara’s!

JOSIE: I’m ready for it.

Behind on your Bachie? Check out our Ep 4 recap (we promise it is extremely good) right HERE. And obviously stay tuned for more because there are 4723094 episodes airing this week HAHAHAH KILL US NOW

Image: Bachelor In Paradise