GUYS, can you belieeeeeeve we’re only one episode away from the end of this bloody show? Never again will we have to stare at large swathes of grey ocean and listen to declarations of love that are swamped by the sounds of torrential downpours. Note to Network Ten – next time, tee up the ON season for Bachelor in Paradise, k? Hard to believe these folks are having a bang-up good time when they look like they’re about to be swept away in a monsoonal flood.

This episode was piss-boring, tbh. We want DRAMA, not happy couples saying nice things to each other! Someone let Flo back into this place ffs. Anyway, looks like Jarrod/Keira – GOOD, Tara/Sam – EVEN BETTER, Grant/Ali – yet to be determined and Megan/Jake – lol are you kidding they’re dead in the water, like the remains of whoever serial killer Jarrod decides to off in the next episode.

For the second last time (until we make the terrible decision of recapping another Bachie-related show) Josie (Head of Editorial) and myself (Senior Style Editor) are here with our hot takes and general incoherent ramblings.

JOSIE: Hi mate! Bachie finale time! I literally have no idea what the expect because this is all new to us.

MEL: HELLOOOO MOITE. I know, I feel like it’s been 400 years since I watched Bachie. I feel like this scene in Titanic.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid HairJOSIE: Beautiful opening shot of the Fiji sludge. I’m really going to miss it. The sand is grey. Also YESSSS MY DINNER IS HERE.

MEL: Show the people your dinner It’s the Josie way. Only two dinners to go too!

JOSIE: It’s not in a bowl yet:

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Dinner or did Jarrod send me the dismembered head of Keira after she inevitably dumped him idk

MEL: Hahahaha wow. A brown paper bag, I’m so inspired. So that recap of Keira and Jarrod wasn’t making me believe in their love, just quietly. It was like watching two people on summer holiday camp “fall in love” bc one is the best at horse riding and the other did the best performance at talent night. AKA a completely false love based entirely on who’s the most popular.

JOSIE: Yeah nah. I don’t buy it at all. “All we do is make out”. Meanwhile I’ve got a nice green curry going on now.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
What even is this serving size, that is enough to feed my pinky finger – Mel

MEL: I HAD GREEN CURRY TOO! But I forgot to take a picture bc I am terrible at these recaps!  Oh god when Jarrod was like “Keira’s pash rash is getting bigger, thank god for makeup”. He’s like a 15 year old boy who just got a week-long girlfriend.

JOSIE: Meanwhile Jarrod has pash rash all over his BODY.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Seriously how can someone remain this burnt for such a long period of time

MEL:  Jarrod has not stopped being burnt. How is he still alive?

JOSIE: He is so purple. Prediction: Jarrod is going to get royally fucked over yet again.

MEL: Absolutely with you on that one. If anyone in that pairing is doing it for the ‘Gram it’s Keira. The devil works hard but Keira Maguire works harder. When he said “she’s my princess”? I honestly can’t.

JOSIE: Can’t believe they jumped straight INTO THE SLUDGE. Ordered to dive into the sludge and risk flesh eating bacteria infection.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Mmm looks warm and inviting

MEL: Love how they’re all just being choofed out onto the water as a last desperate attempt to make us believe this is paradise and not the worst month ever to be in Fiji by the way.

JOSIE: I haven’t given up my theory that he’s a serial killer.

MEL: 100%. Jarrod is the type that you would go on two dates with and would then show up at your house with Thai and a DVD on a Monday night when you didn’t even give him your home address.

JOSIE: Keira will be in witness protection after she inevitably dumps him.

MEL: Speaking of – she went to TOWN on the body gloss for their pre-commitment chat.

JOSIE: Julien said “she looks like a trophy”. How did she not slide straight off the couch.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Theory: Keira has been replaced with her Madame Tussaud’s wax figure

MEL: She was literally OILED UP. An entire bottle of Rihanna Fenty body gloss. Actually this is a premature yet perfect time for #FashionsOfFiji, which I will miss a LOT. Another Keira stunner tonight was her Nike runners with an Auguste dress. Not for me. Nope, stop that.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Sneaks and a dress are usually a vibe except NOT LIKE THIS

JOSIE: They were her pink Vans! I didn’t mind it. A lot of pink, I guess. I have big words for Grant and Ali and what they wore for their date. Are you about to do the City to Surf?

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
This ain’t no ‘Back Of The Pack’ shit.

MEL: LOL YES I don’t think train cycling required compression leggings, frankly. Ali was not a fashion vibe at all that episode. Did she make her pre-commitment chat outfit at Fiji Spotlight an hour before?

JOSIE: I was more “nice pyjamas”.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
“It only cost me $8.50 for two metres of bargain bin satin!”

MEL: Another fair point. Before Tara/Sam’s commitment chat I was like “I’ve consistently enjoyed Tara’s outfits btw, she’s nailed the influencer-in-paradise vibes” and then she walked in with that HORROR of a white tube dress on.

JOSIE: Hahahah she just walked in and ruined that thought for you.

MEL: Mid paragraph, ruined everything with her body con circa 2012.

JOSIE: She definitely looked like a sassy fun stranger I talked to at 2am in the club bathroom in 2012 in that dress. With the GHD hair and House of Harlow jewellery.

MEL: Hahahaha shit I had so much House of Harlow jewellery. That circle necklace with the leather insert bit? GOOD TIMES. Anyway back to Keira/Jarrod. I’m sorry I just feel no chemistry with those two.

JOSIE: When he says nice things to her she just laughs, it’s such a weird vibe.

MEL: It’s like they’re reading off a script. I WANT to believe in them but I’m just like… stagnant puddle levels of love.

JOSIE: It feel like a producer stitch up since they’re both such ~characters~.

MEL: YES. Exactly.

JOSIE: Some bigwig was like “the people will LOVE THIS”.

MEL: 100%. Too conveniently paired for max entertainment. Omg did not realise Jarrod got dumped by Sophie in Fiji by the way. How does the place not have bad juju for him. I wouldn’t get on the plane.

JOSIE: Moving along to Grant and Ali’s god-awful fantasy date where they just exercise for 4 hours. My idea of hell, tbh.

MEL: Grant seemed eternally pissed he missed out on the yacht excursions Keira/Jarrod and Megan/Jake got. He absolutely got the short straw overall and is NOT COOL with it. That entire date I felt like he was physically engaging with Ali but internally was just screaming into the void over coming this far in the competition only to get lumped with a 4 hour Leg Day, essentially.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
“WHERE IS MY MIMOSA”

JOSIE: Ali seems to like Grant / is happy. So now I’m just terrified of the moment he hurts her. She’s so sweet.

MEL: She is. She feels like the most genuine person on the island. I feel like Megan’s being the most realistic but Ali GENUINELY thinks she’s in love with Demon Grant. Like she legit thinks this bullshit is real poor gal.

JOSIE: His cold dead demon eyes gave me chills. And the deepest thing he has to say is “wow this is absolutely haaaappening right now”. Astute observation, professor. He’s so mad about missing the yacht. He wants sunset mimosas, dammit!

MEL: I felt like the music + the intense convo + the extremely fast train/bike bullshit (what the fuck was that thing I love it and also wanted to burn it) made me feel like they were going to fling off the end at some point as a mirroring of their almost-dead relationship. A TRAIN TRACK TO NOWHERE much like their doomed romance.

JOSIE: Wow. That’s a bold metaphor.

MEL: Josie I reckon I’m onto something here. After a bit more thought – the train bike shit was EXACTLY like their relationship. 0-100 speed, only to realise the track was actually pretty dull and went nowhere and had no zesty jungle animals OR mimosas.

JOSIE: Or any… ELECTRICITY. It was powered by human energy which is bound to fail!! THEY HEAD FOR THE CLIFF. “BULAAAA FOREVER!” *crash*.

MEL: We are geniuses. Someone hand us a Walkley or a Pulitzer or whatever. Any award. For this brilliant take.

JOSIE: I spotted a murderous horse in the background when they reached the token townsfolk.

MEL: Come thruuuu killer horse! There’s still time to spice this up to level 100!

JOSIE: Demon Grant cracked his face into a smile because he knows that’s what you’re supposed to do around cute children. Though his first urge was to suck all their souls out of their adorable nostrils.

MEL: The girl in the back was a fkn mood. “Who the fuck are these people get that horrific train/bike monstrosity out of my town”.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
“Are you fkn serious with that shitty bike train”

JOSIE: Love how they’ve learned 2 Fijian words and keep shouting them at every local.

MEL: Fully. literally screaming BULAAAAAAAA! whenever they get a chance.

JOSIE: I just did not get why it was “Ali are you ready to move to LA? Why doesn’t he have to move to the City of Churches?

MEL: It was definitely very clear Grant felt Adelaide was a shithole and he was never, ever moving there.

JOSIE: Their chat was easily the most intense. THE FUTURE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON ONE OF US UPROOTING OUR ENTIRE LIVES AND MOVING ACROSS THE WORLD.

MEL: I mean props to Ali for being like “um hi I like my life” but also ALI THIS IS YOUR GREEN CARD TO AMERICA. Just go then dump him and move to NYC and live a zesty single gal in the city life.

JOSIE: Also isn’t she a PT I feel like she would get a job in LA in two minutes.

MEL: She would kill it in LA. She’s like PT Barbie. I imagine her starting her own version of SoulCycle.

JOSIE: When Grant mentioned “the other journey” he has planned for Ali. Mate, I know that journey is dragging her down to hell to show your conquest off to your boss, Satan.

MEL: Hahahahaha shit.

JOSIE: When they were kissing – ughhh vomit. Bye green curry. Or rather, hi again green curry. Wow, she wants to have kids with this man.

MEL: RIGHT?? And when she said “I want to be MARRIED to him”? Honey noooo.

JOSIE: 1. You’ve known him for two weeks. 2. He’s a demon and cannot make the human babies you imagine having with him.

MEL: Dead over how they alluded to all the couples walking off to RUMPY PUMPY with the subtlety of a brick through a window this episode.

JOSIE: Oh yeah they’re defs boning.

MEL: What was that shot for Grant and Ali though. He opened the doors for her, then she hesitantly walked through, he looked around for NO REASON with this vibe of fear or something and then minced through as well. That was confusing as shit were they going to bone or walking into the abyss.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Ahhhh, back to my flame-filled home.

JOSIE: Definitely abyss. That was a portal to hell. Bye forever Ali. Can I just add that Julien has become so bored by this show that he went off to have a shower and is now doing his work rosters.

MEL: Wowsers that’s some level of over it.

JOSIE: TARA AND SAM TIME. Imagine if Michael had never gone on that awkward date with Keira. Where would we be right now Melissa.

MEL: Right?? I actually felt a slight emotion in my cynical heart watching Tara and Sam’s recap. It was cute how they just did not vibe at all until a chance hang-out made them realise they had some feels.

JOSIE: I semi love them semi don’t. They make gross kissy noises.

MEL: Yeah part of me FEEEELS like they’re just smart little shits who played the game for the mango daiquiris.

JOSIE: Same. And fame/attention/teeth whitening gigs on Instagram. Also – to me he is a strange person to be on this show. Like he’s a little quirky and quite smart.

MEL: JOSIE WHAT IS HIS HAIR. It was literally in a swirl during that episode.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING UNDER THERE SAM

JOSIE: I DON’T UNDERSTAND HIS HAIR. I’ll be on my deathbed still wondering about it.

MEL: I want to drug him and then sift through it to determine if it’s to cover a bald patch or just a style choice.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Seriously please tell us we’ll pay you $50

JOSIE: Yuk. It looks smelly. He’s got a nice face aside from the hair. It ruins his entire head.

MEL: Absolutely – he’s so hot and then the hair is this large blonde head-poo.

JOSIE: Side note: I actually think the music in Avengers: Infinity War was less dramatic than the music on the Masterchef promo clips.

MEL: Hahahaha or the music for Bachie rose ceremonies. Superheroes saving the world? A gentle orchestral hum. Nobodies doing mediocre cooking and fake falling in love? BRING OUT THE LARGE HORNS, SON.

JOSIE: Gordon Ramsay sampling a canapé? CUE THE ‘PSYCHO’ STRINGS. Time for Megan and Jake’s fantasy date btw, and Grant is going to launch a curse out of his eyes at Jake for getting the luxe yacht.

MEL: Jake’s dead meat.

JOSIE: When Megan was all “Look at this beautiful clear water”. I was like Megan, don’t lie, it doesn’t suit you.

MEL: I have to say out of everyone, they got the best date weather but it still didn’t make up for the fact that there was about 2 pieces of grey coral in that water and those fish shots were absolutely some B-Roll from Thailand.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
QUICK YOU FUCKERS THERE’S ONE MINUTE OF SUNSHINE GET ON THE FRONT OF THE BOAT NOW NOW NOW

JOSIE: They couldn’t stop going on about it too as if their chat would convince us. “Look the water is clear all the way through”.

MEL: Hey, imagine if you took the dramatic music away, these scenes would just be some chemistry void humans having awkward convos and forced kissing.

JOSIE: It must be so weird during filming without the music and story lines.

MEL: Can I just say Megan is fast becoming my hero – she’s like the only person here being like “hey maybe kissing and island romance is blinding us all idk”.

JOSIE: Yeah Megan seems grounded in actual reality. Not reality tv reality. I was laughing because Megan was basically in a nice way saying: He’s dumb. Jake is… dumb.

MEL: I don’t love Jake because Jake is… beige.

JOSIE: Also… he’s a slut.

MEL: Also… he is wearing pants my dad owns.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Did you raid my dad’s wardrobe Jake, don’t lie

JOSIE: Her concealer did not make any sense. It’s like she lost hers so they used Tara’s.

MEL: Yeah it was the completely wrong shade. How has this happened so many times on this show.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Did someone order 10 buckets of yellow-based concealer & is trying to use it up bc what is this

JOSIE: LOL as if Jake’s going to remain committed if they stay together after this.He needed a nerve-calming sip of Merlot before he agreed to those terms from Megan. She’ll be on the plane listening to the safety demonstration and he’ll be on the DMs to Flo.

MEL: He was like “yes I will remain faithful to you for 2 months” * shakes head aggressively *

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m the increasing nervous sweat on his upper lip.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
*sweats profusely due to saying word commitment*

MEL: I’m Megan’s flinty smize that doesn’t believe any of this bullshit.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Please Sam, Tell Us What You’re Hiding Under Your Stupid Hair
Lol yeah ok binch

JOSIE: Also those two drunk poor Wais outta merlot.

MEL: My theory: they’re all draining the island of free booze before they have to go back to the real world where cocktails cost the same as an UberEats meal for 3. Side note – ONE MORE NIGHT. Can’t wait for our BACHIE PARTY. Obviously we see each other every day but it still feels like an online meet up.

JOSIE: I know! Tomorrow will be lit. There are like 8 people coming. And 2 felines.

MEL: All the cameos in one room, guys.

JOSIE: My friend George is coming too even though he was never mentioned in the recaps. He just enjoys the show.

MEL: Hahaha love it. Maybe he will be the final and best cameo?

Do NOT miss our last-ever Bachie In Paradise recap tomorrow, mates. 

Image: Network Ten