Welp! The Horsewomen of the Apocalypse are well and truly gone, and while that means far less problematic bullying of other women in the house… it also means we need a new dramatic arc here, you guys.

While we seemed to have it in Sociopath Deanna, she was quickly and unceromoniously booted in what was tbh, I pretty beige episode. HOWEVER, we are here to recap it all for you with some zesty banter, which livens up the otherwise snoozy proceedings!

JOSIE: Hi Mel! You’re not here but I’m still doing this.

This is a problem now

MEL:Hahaha I love that you now have a Pavlovian response that involves Slurpees and Bachie. No, I am not there. I am, in fact, home with a cold. But I have a Josie replacement. Two, actually:

Everyone meet Bananas and Charlotte

JOSIE: Bubbas. Oh, I’ve also been buying footy cards at 7Eleven. Another problem.

This is a bigger problem tbqh

MEL: Lol what on earth? We shouldn’t be allowed to adult.

JOSIE: Oh man controversial but will it be boring now without the demons.

MEL: Omg I was just thinking that. Like yay, no awful bullying but also what can I now be up in arms about, y’know? Meanwhile, happy to say I know who everyone is in the house now except Deanna.

WHOMST

JOSIE: Deanna? Don’t know her. I swear if Brooke gets another date I will eat these footy cards.

MEL: Do you reckon Brooke will? God I hope not. Also I have an irrational hatred of people wearing hats when they’re not outdoors and therefore Shannon needs a swift kick in the shins for that schoolboy boater tyvm.

JOSIE: Cass is still so keen. I thought they were done with that storyline.

MEL: I knowwwww, like leave Cass alone! Said like this:

MEL: I know it was likely editing but Sophie looked like she was gonna shank Brooke just then, when she was about to read out the name on the card.

u dead

JOSIE: Cass too – on one hand I feel for Cass but on the other hand I’m like doll you’ve had single dates IN THE REAL WORLD. IN REALITY.

MEL: Hahahaha omg the “wowwww” from everyone. That was the exact noise I used to make at school when someone got full marks on a test. And yes re: Cass. She needs to stop mentioning getting to know this man she knows in a biological, intimate sense. You’ve seen the peen, is what I mean.

JOSIE: Okay him saying “she’s a pretty thing” about Britt on their second date was actually so cute. She does look snazzy he’s right.

MEL: When he was like “we’re going to the outback into the city” my immediate thought was LONE STAR STEAKHOUSE AND SALOON. Honest to god if someone took me to lone star I’d probably offer to have their babies on the spot. Dream date.

JOSIE: If anyone looked at me the way Badge is looking at Brit I’d offer to have his babies on the spot.

*kissy imminent*

MEL: When they do the line dancing for your birthday especially, and all the waiters look like they’d rather lick poo on the sidewalk than be doing their little dancy song for you. Yes, I’m still on Lone Star. I’m having a personal fantasy right now. Lol badge is so horny.

JOSIE: Omg the lizards fucking are a real vibe.

you and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals

They definitely reflected his mood. He must be toey as – think about it, surround by hot babes but no sleepovers.

MEL: Don’t you feel like he’s having to contain his horn and the producers are like “Nick it’s the bachelor, not man slut hour.”

JOSIE: 100%.

MEL: I 100000% don’t know why this show always acts like people don’t bone. It’s so odd. Get some Love Island vibes UP IN HEEEERE.

JOSIE: Omg this huge snake isn’t symbolic at all.

Are you just happy to see me or…

MEL: Hahahaha. So many sexual symbolic animals.

JOSIE:I’m just gonna stand here and you do it” — me in my early sexual escapades.

MEL: Title of your sex tape. That snake is 100% choking Nick and that’s why he hightailed it out of there quick smart.

JOSIE: I love holding snakes. Like actual snakes not cocks.

MEL: What, no. No you do NOT, Josie. Say no.

JOSIE: I do. This is my ideal date.

MEL: This is brand new information to me.

JOSIE: Unless he produces a redback.

MEL: Oh no just a croc.

JOSIE: Oooh I love crocodiles! This is a fun daaaate I love critters! (Not bugs).

MEL: Lol, Nick always gets more into the date than the girl hey.  He’s like “YESSSS ANIMAL TIME!” and Britt is just like “please lord get me out of here with both arms still intact”.

JOSIE: I’m squealing over Britt teasing the croc with that fish on a stick. I’m scared he’s gonna leap further and bit her head clean off.

“it’s totally safe, lean directly over the water, it’ll be fun”

MEL: She’s so his vibe though – although she’s absolutely lying about it being cool and fun. I miss Vanessa Sunshine and her DGAF attitude.

JOSIE: Omg now they’re having drinks inside an enclosure. If this ain’t a metaphor for reality dating shows I dunno what is.

MEL: I’m losing it over the kangas on the loose eating hunks of squishy sweet potato to force them to actually remain in the shot.

JOSIE: “I wanna move to Byron too”. This will be awks if they don’t end up together. Just running into each other at the beach in Byron.

MEL: Ok news flash to them both, Byron is not chill it is full of faux hippies and like a million rich Sydney people.

JOSIE: Imagine if they run into each other’s families in the future. At the Spell boutique reaching for the same boho dress. Yuk this kiss is gross, so much tongue. He looks like the bonking lizard. “That’s where I’m at”.

MEL: WHERE IS THAT NICK. You just kissed her, that is not an answer!

JOSIE: His answer: “Lizard tonguing”. Why does everyone bawl on these dates. Says me the girl who bawls constantly,

MEL: Do you reckon they cry bc cameras are shoved up their nostril? I’m sorry if she doesn’t win I’ll eat my sock. His body language is so natural with her.

JOSIE: Wow they can’t stop the heavy petting. I agree she’s the front runner, they’re basically married and picking baby names already.

MEL: Omg ASIO man is a bit daddy…

JOSIE: I’m so keen for it. Great combo of my two interests: daddy issues and true crime.

MEL: Daddy Steve is so stoked on this little foray into reality tv. “He’s very good at what he does”. WINK. I’m so sorry. I’ll see myself out.

JOSIE: Sophie has a point – not one group date has been fun.

MEL: Absolutely. Group dates are weird competitive girl fights, the end.

JOSIE: They’re either in some Hunger Games style battle or being tortured by an interrogator.

MEL: MOON BOOT ALERT.

JOSIE: If Daddy Steve asks Jamie-Lee if she really hurt her foot his lie detecting senses will explode.

MEL: Omggg please let it happen. I’m sorry but I’d just seem like I was lying even if I said hello. I’d be THAT nervous.

JOSIE: “Hi Steve I’m Josie”. “ARE you though?!!!!”

MEL: “IM LYING MY NAME IS JESSICA I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM AND ALSO MY HAIR IS EXTENSIONS”

JOSIE: Wow this is definitely setting the scene for Brooke’s revelation. That she… dates girls too.

MEL: Yeah definitely. The most un-secret, non-dramatic revelation ever.

JOSIE: Omg is Deanna a sociopath. He couldn’t get a read on her.

MEL: Is she!! I hope so. That would add a nice true crime twist to this show. Especially if she started cutting women’s hair in their sleep.

JOSIE: Is Tenille in a towel.

MEL: I think it’s a jumpsuit but it’s a very unfortunate towel shape. Especially when she sits down.

JOSIE: Poor Cassie. She is the worlds most nervous awkward human.

*vomits in handbag*

MEL: Cassie is such a cute nervous egg.

JOSIE: She sounds like she’s talking in fast forward. Like I thought the laptop was stuffing up.

MEL: Wait, what? She met him in a bar??? I thought it was the gym!

JOSIE: Omg – She stalked him to a footy game. LOL at Daddy Steve’s very obvious revelation that “Cassie is infatuated with Nick”.

MEL: They went on “between 3-5 dates”! Tbh that’s what I would have expected.That’s the vibe – girl who sees guy for a month then he ghosts her.

JOSIE: Totally. Why did Nick wear a Lowes shirt to an ASIO session.

a lesson in formal wear

MEL: Josie it’s his SMART Lowe’s shirt. Reserved for meeting suits.

JOSIE: Sorry. The monochrome does set it apart, you’re right. The understated pineapples take the class up a notch.

MEL: Omg Deanna The Sociopath. She’s back!

*attempts to look interested*

JOSIE: I love her. “I can be emotional, I just haven’t figured out how to mimic it yet”. Ugh the body language isn’t great between Brooke and Badge right now.

MEL: Sorry but Brooke is a baby, she’s on a life journey. I stand by my theory that she’s an angel face but he’s not for her.

JOSIE: She’s only 14. She has so much left to learn.

MEL: I hadn’t even had my problematic bad boy phase at 23 yet.

JOSIE: Speaking of babies with things to learn: Cass. She’s soooo young and silly.

MEL: Nick is just like internally staring daggers at producers right now.

why must you be the way that you are

JOSIE: He’s screaming internally so much. He acts like she’s just a mildly entertaining plaything.

MEL: He is the image of screaming internally. Meanwhile, I take back my daddy comment about Steve. When he was silent he had a mysterious ASIO allure, now he’s talking he’s just a dad and not sexual remotely.

JOSIE: Hahah yes.

MEL: It’s a fine line.

JOSIE: Steve has danced on that line tonight.

MEL: Hang on I need to save a lizard from Charlotte the cat’s demonic clutches.

JOSIE: Wow Badge is so uncomfortable about Cassie’s strong feelings. He’s like “I’m grateful for her honesty. But also, she frightens me.”

MEL: I 100% reckon he has been fighting with the producers to let her go. Meanwhile I love sociopath Deanna and hope she stays around/maybe starts shaving peoples heads in their sleep.

JOSIE: She’s going to steal their identities / money because she doesn’t care! She has no feelings!

MEL: You know what would be a good psychopathic move, cut people’s eyelashes off. Do they grow back? I don’t know!

JOSIE: Hahaha fuck. Just short stumpy little eyelashes for life.

MEL: Into Cass’s I dream of Jeannie pony tonight.

JOSIE: Some of the girls look fab.

MEL: Not so into her “she had style she had flair she was there!” Fran Fine ensemble.

JOSIE: Wow he’s trying to have banter with her, and she’s like MARRY ME NICK, TAKE ME ON A DATE.

MEL: She screams infatuation without the reality that they have NO SPARK.

JOSIE: Like, I love Nick. Love him. But doll there are OTHER GUYS IN THE WORLD.

MEL: Absolutely.  YESSS BROOKES BIG REVEAL THAT’LL JUST BE THAT SHES BISEXUAL WHICH ISN’T THAT BIG OF A DEAL, ACTUALLY.

JOSIE: Ooooh yessss can’t wait for this very normal revelation! My god I’m going to turn 33 before she gets this out, though. GET ON WITH IT.

MEL: I am not into the vibes they’re putting on this. Like IT’S NOT THAT WEIRD, hi let’s not be biphobic you know? Enough with the drama music.

JOSIE: I know, it’s too much. It’s not like she’s a serial killer like Deanna. She’s LGBTQI, next.

MEL: I mean I knew he would be chill, which is great and I’m glad.

JOSIE: Of course he is because he’s a modern day man. Why do we need the avengers battle music. He’s divine. “It doesn’t worry me”. I’m all Cass now like MARRY ME NICK!

MEL: Hahaha. Rose ceremony time!

JOSIE: WOW we’ve ripped through this episode now there’s no demon drama. Cynically I’m like “did the producers make Brooke hold off on her ~revelation ~ to create post mean girls drama”….

MEL: Look probably.

JOSIE: Hmph. Not into it. I am into Emily’s dress however.

MEL: I’m into Emily everything, our little secret Dutch spy twins. Dasha! She’s still there!

JOSIE: I love my wife! Deanna is attempting to fashion her face into Emotions. But it’s not working.

MEL: Noooo! She’s out!

JOSIE: My sociopath! Gone.

MEL: Gone, along with my dreams of this show morphing into a true crime detective case.

JOSIE: No stabby stabby in the mansion tonight. Badger’s Pet. Dirty Deanna

MEL: DIRTY DEANNA.

JOSIE: Ah well Mel at least we’ll always have our trine crime podcast! ~Segue~

MEL: LOLOLOL “casual pitch to you guys that we have a true crime podcast, come listen to us IRLLLL”

FYI we actually do – it’s called All Aussie Mystery Hour and it’s just us blathering on about true crimes and mysteries in The Land Down Under. Hit us up on iTunes or Spotify, or via the link below!

Image: Network Ten