Here we (me, Josie and PTV Senior Style and Features Editor Mel) are with another recap of this frankly batshit season of The Bachelor Australia.
This episode was actually insane, bringing us yet another scantily clad novelty sports challenge, some absolutely uncomfortable BTS producer footage and as Nick “Honey Badger“ Cummins going all school principal and suspending the naughty kid.
[jwplayer 3Ti4mum0]
Let’s unpack this shitshow, shall we?
MEL: Josie my slurpee has ice cream in it. A new level of sugar high.
JOSIE: Also we’re in the podcast studio again. I semi miss the storage cupboard from yesterday’s recap?
MEL: I miss standing with copious bottles of wine around us.
JOSIE: And eating bulk Tostitos.
MEL: I cannot believe we are literally at a suburban swimming pool now for this group date. This feels like we interrupted Nick’s play time.
JOSIE: OMG he literally just said the words “Group dates bring the normality back to the situation.” I’m sorry. WHAT IS NORMAL ABOUT DATING 12 PEOPLE AT ONCE.
MEL: Oh yes, so normal to have 15 women clamouring for my attention by pretending their ankles are broken!
JOSIE: Was this wet shirtless Badgie moment the inspiration for Osher‘s Men’s Health shred?
MEL: Oh god, I think his pec flexing just made me pregnant. Meanwhile, I love how anything Cat says gets the “villain” music. She was literally just saying she skipped school carnival.
JOSIE: And the Jaws theme played.
MEL: Next up “I don’t really like ice cream”.
JOSIE: The Psycho theme plays.
MEL: CASSANDRA. CASSANDRA. You have spent so much time with Nick. The girl is like a broken record with her “I just need one on one time”.
JOSIE: Let’s play a drinking game, every time Cass says she needs more time with Nick we buy a Slurpee.
MEL: Omg the girls in their matching outfits are like the swimsuit version of the evil kids in The Shining.
JOSIE: Also, those swimmers are so high cut at the front and back and low cut at the sides. Is it necessary? I feel like this season has gone really American with the skimpy outfits and insane group dates.
MEL: I mean you’d want to have had a good wax. Imagine if you hadn’t, and they’re like surprise swimming carnival! It’s high cut one piece time.
JOSIE: Also why is Nick not in high cut swimmers this is SEXIST.
MEL: This swimming bingo is literally a game you play as a 5 year old learning to swim. Like sorry how is this a group DATE? It’s just Nick watching his women claw each other’s legs off.
JOSIE: I’m saying this: I love Unhinged Brittany. She just said “doggy style” instead of doggy paddle.
MEL: She is the epitome of no filter. Now we’ve got the villain music for Cat’s playful leg pull on Cass.
JOSIE: It’s like full German SS Soldier theme music from a WWII movie every time she speaks. The music producer needs to take it down several hundred notches.
MEL: Whoa wait does Emily have an accent? I have honestly never heard her speak before in my life. She’s like European. Euro Emily, who knew?
JOSIE: This Zorb ball challenge is an utter nightmare.
MEL: It is the most amazingly undignified thing.
JOSIE: In high cut swimmers. In front of the entire country.
MEL: Like part of me is all “This is a low point in the fight for Nick”. The other part is like “Now spray the balls with high powered hoses to make them SPIN!”
JOSIE: Hahaha make them spin. Imagine Tenille, she would flung off into another dimension.
MEL: Now Emily on her date with Nick has an Aussie accent. EMILY WHO ARE YOU.
JOSIE: I’m confused by her.
MEL: IS SHE TWO PEOPLE. OMG, here’s the best twist I can possibly imagine – Emily is a good twin and an evil twin.
JOSIE: Yes!
MEL: The evil one is a Dutch spy.
JOSIE: I was just gonna say maybe she’s like the Logan twins on Big Brother and there’s two of her and Nick has the figure it out.
MEL: YES! He is absolutely not listening to Emily while she pours her heart out.
JOSIE: At all.
MEL: He has no idea what she just said.
JOSIE: He’s picturing her in the red swimmers in the Zorb, writhing her way to victory.
MEL: Side note, I hate when people say they want to find their “Partner in crime” – stupidest term ever. What crimes. WHAT. CRIMES.
JOSIE: What about Nick saying: “The whole time I sit here with Emily, the more I’m surprised”. He literally is like: “Who are you? Have you been on the show the whole time?”
MEL: “Are you a swimming instructor here or are you from the mansion?”
JOSIE: “Are you the chick who was a producer too?”
MEL: He’s also holding her hand like she’s an elderly nan and he’s visiting the old folks home for charity.
JOSIE: “Is there anything I can get for you? A nice cup of milky tea?”
MEL: Ooh that was a surprise kiss. Not expected.
JOSIE: That was like a Kath and Kel kiss, no offence.
MEL: Back at the mansion. Lol at Alisha’s incredibly non-Logie winning performance just then: “SOOO EMILY GOT TIME WITH NIIIICK!”
JOSIE: Producer Ashlea was like “Doll now I’m gone you need to keep the plot line going”.
MEL: Omg I am as pissed as Cat that Brooke’s on date number 3.
JOSIE: Why the fuck would you go on 3 dates? Just marry her already. What’s the point of even being on the show?
MEL: I’m not team Bitchy Cat, but she is a mood so far this ep. Just in terms of her saying what we’re thinking.
JOSIE: She so is. Omgggg “IF SHE’S THE FRONTRUNNER THEN WHY I AM HERE I COULD BE WORKING ON MY BUSINESS”. Lololol. Mel did you know Cat has a business. And this is beneath her.
MEL: I had NO idea. No idea she had a jewellery business in Bali. Where she lives. In Baku.
JOSIE: First I’ve heard of it! Anyway, I’m sorry Brooke is fine and I have her in the office sweep but I’m bored. Take someone else on your dates.
MEL: I’ve seen enough smiley Brooke talking about feelings. I’m so bored I’ve gone to sleep. See you in 15 minutes.
JOSIE: I’ll be here gagging for the next 15 min. This date is so boring he’s gonna fall asleep at the wheel of that hired vintage motor vehicle.
MEL: Hello, another Lowes shirt up in here. He’s absolutely RAIDED their party shirt section.
MEL: Meanwhile, hello painter man.
JOSIE: UH OH. Mel’s found HER Bachie. Guy, the “artist”.
MEL: What is even HAPPENING. Why are we all not allowed to look at anyone?
JOSIE: Is this bloke like a police sketch artist?
MEL: “So we are describing features, not for any reason, have you committed any murders of late just asking”
JOSIE: “His neck is the size of a large gumtree and his hair looks like a resting poodle.”
MEL: This guy is like “Can you guys give me more than “she’s a cutie” that does not help me with my art”
JOSIE: He draws Honey Boo Boo and calls it a day. When the artist asked Brooke to describe Nick I was half expecting her to be like “umm okay how do I put this it’s that guy Nick “Honey Badger” Cummins and he’s the dude on TV. In all the Bachelor ads”
MEL: “He’s on the side of some buses. The guy on the rose bed”
JOSIE: Okay so that whole conversation seemed very natural between the three horsewomen of the apocalypse and suddenly weird BTS stuff?
MEL: What the fucking fuck did we just see.
JOSIE: Suddenly the producer from UnReal is here?
MEL: And no one else is at the pool. And end scene. What the actual shit. I don’t want “UnReal but less fun”.
JOSIE: This is weird. And so unnecessary. It doesn’t even make them look bad tbh? It makes the producers look bad for egging then on this whole time. And it’s clear they were like “okay sit here and bitch about Tenille”.
MEL: I hate it. Someone legit thinks they’re Quinn from UnReal behind the scenes here.
JOSIE: Back to Brooke and Nick. She has no chat, she’s not zesty enough for him.
MEL: Ahh the drawing reveal… and lol this painter has absolutely seen photos, many photos, of these people.
JOSIE: Also he is absolutely a police sketch artist. Those two people look like they’re wanted for a string of crimes across the tri-state area.
MEL: “I’ve seen that before somewhere… on the wall of a police station”.
JOSIE: Okay guys so Nick made the “wife” comment and Mel went on a rant.
MEL: I’m SORRY.
JOSIE: An offline rant.
MEL: I just hate when men are like “WIFEY” simply because a woman is pretty, sweet, and laughs at every fucking word they say. Like what about Brooke this far do you even know?
JOSIE: For example, we’ve just uncovered that she’s a wanted murderer.
MEL: Exactly.
JOSIE: And there’s so much crying, always. I didn’t cry on a date with my boyfriend for at least a month.
MEL: Lol a month. Then, waterworks.
JOSIE: I’m sorry I know I’m being insensitive because she has lost people, but their dates are just INTENSE. It’s like “woooooo zesty fun okay real talk now”. To be fair, it’s probably producers egging them on. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
MEL: It’s very like DEEP so early on but I guess it’s the show right? Like they’re in a weird bubble, where balance goes out the window and it’s normal to say “so when do you want children” at the introduction ceremony.
JOSIE: “Hi my name’s Jessica also what’s your sperm count”. Ooh, toga party. YASSSS UNHINGED BRITTANY. She’s my favourite.
MEL: Unhinged Brittany is just… everything. This is me when I am home alone. But she is that all the time.
JOSIE: Boring Brittany is just jealous, because Unhinged Brittany is the real MVP.
MEL: How bloody wonderful I want to have 100 margs with her. Unhinged Brittany aka Cairns divorcée on the town is my eternal ideal mood.
JOSIE: Omg Bachie saying to Tenille “Who was being mean” I want to slide off my chair. Why is that such a mood?
MEL: Oh man this is so stressful, it’s like when you’re in school and then the teacher starts taking people aside to ask them who threw rocks through the window.
JOSIE: Just as an aside, the Romy-coined “Lame Dick Tenille” is quite the nickname.
MEL: Why are we using candles to demonstrate? IS SHE TWO. WHY ARE WE USING PROPS.
JOSIE: This is an intensely weird episode. The principal is about to suspend the bullies.
MEL: Like I get that the horsewomen of the apocalypse suck and are bullies but shit man, this is weird.
JOSIE: Also, imagine having to have this serious conversation while wearing an embellished tablecloth.
MEL: Lololol. Also, Cat saying she has a “Heart of gold”. Bit of a stretch beb.
JOSIE: “I heave a heart of gold, like these earrings that are $39.95 with free postage on my website right now”.
MEL: God, this whole thing is giving me primary school flashbacks of getting in trouble for throwing rocks in windows.
JOSIE: It’s savage. Oh my god, of course she had to fit one more “WORKING ON MY BUSINESS” in before she drove off forever.
MEL: Oooft Romy and Alisha, drunk Mum mood.
JOSIE: Omg they’re sloshed. I love how they’re literally like the three villains though, like “What are we gonna do without our third horsewoman”?
MEL: Love when Osh talks like whoever’s left is dead.
JOSIE: His voice goes all soft and deep and sympathetic.
MEL: “RIP Cat, off to the glue factory”.
JOSIE: I love how Unhinged Brittany is just blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding. “I’M REALLY EXCITEDDDD TONIIIGHT.”
MEL: Unhinged Brittttt just make the whole show her from now on bye. Okay wow. Romy got a rose? CURVE BALL. Did not expect.
JOSIE: Omgggg. Screaming. Lol, after their chat he can’t get her into that car quick enough.
MEL: He’s literally rolling her into the car. She’s barely stopped speaking. “What was that ohhh can’t hear you *slams car door *”
JOSIE: Tapping on the roof, like “Off you trot”. Unhinged Brittany is a loss to Australian television tbh.
MEL: A loss to this country.
If you like Josie and Mel’s recaps, you should listen to their true crime/mysteries podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Hit it up on iTunes, Spotify or below:
