After a semi-borza week, we’re back on track with those fire Bachelor Australia episodes we know/love. We had drama (Tenille running away!) bitchiness (Romy and the horsewomen of the apocalypse, ofc) and literally no romance, tbh. Just drama. Which we’re here for.
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As always, Josie (Head of Editorial) and me (Senior Style & Features Editor) are here, recapping all the madness for you.
MEL: JOSIE HI.
JOSIE: Hi Mel. We’re in a storage room.
JOSIE: Oi is Ashlea an intruder?
MEL: As always, never seen her in my life. Honest to god Cass has spent copious amounts of time with Nick. COPIOUS. If I hear her say one more time “I just want to spend more time with him so he knows how I feel”, I’ll lick the footpath outside.
JOSIE: She really has. There’s people like Ashlea who have never met him.
MEL: Wow Brooke being bitchy over Jamie Lee. “Hyphenated”. A new side to the Bachie wifey. Omg this marching of the group date gals. Just this terrifying army of ovulating women.
JOSIE: A horde of hormones. Ashlea just had her first and last line of dialogue.
MEL: Mic drop for Ashlea – you are not making it beyond this week, I guarantee it.
JOSIE: She won’t even be evicted, she’ll just disappear as subtly as she appeared. Just fade into the ether.
MEL: Meanwhile, Cass’ body has stayed on the grass while Nick walked off to meet the intruders, but her soul is clinging to his legs. Let’s play a game called “Where’s Dasha?”. Did you see her before, when they showed the gang? I… did not.
JOSIE: Where is my wife.
MEL: Omg I thought that shot of the sensible footwear chauffeur was an intruder wearing Hush Puppies.
JOSIE: Hahaha. Meanwhile, First intruder is SPORTY, and into AQUA SEX.
MEL: Alisha eavesdropping and feeding small morsels of info on the intruders is a mood. “SWIMMER!” “BRUNETTE!”.
JOSIE: If there was a window she’d be peering through it, as had been tradition this season.
MEL: “I have lots of animal pets”. WTF.
JOSIE: Jaime Lee, English major.
MEL: He low key seems to be in love with her though, hey.
MEL: Sensible footwear chauffeur is back! Best mood. My lord is new Brittany wearing a strait jacket but make it fashion?
JOSIE: New Brittany seems unhinged. She’s me after 0.75 Pinot Grigios.
MEL: Way too many pre mansion daiquiris for New Brittany.
JOSIE: You know you’re crazy when even Cass is like “hunny take it down a notch”.
MEL: Ok so of these three Jamie Lee seems like a contender. But as you know I have no interest in intruders and do not believe they are real characters.
JOSIE: Meanwhile – again you know you’ve got problems if Cat is calling you out for being un-PC.
MEL: Moon. Hopper. Netball. Tournament. Why not just play netball. Why do children’s toys always need to be included
JOSIE: It’s the “sports related challenge brainstorm” rearing it’s ugly head.’
MEL: Straight up though if someone told me I was playing netball in order to win the love of one man, who we were all fighting over, my competitive nature would literally burst into another dimension. I’d kick everyone in the shins that’s my level of competitiveness. Rip hair extensions out.
JOSIE: You wouldn’t have your nails at regulation length, you’d sharpen them into points for maximum eye gouging potential.
MEL: Yep. OMG ASHLEA WHO ARE YOU!? WHO!!!?? I DEMAND TO KNOW.
JOSIE: I feel like Ashlea is a producer who they’ve roped in to even up the frog netball shit. We’ll never see her again.
MEL: Yes, and she just hovers in the background and when they need something asked or said, she’s like ughhhh fine. I will ask Cass why she is crying. I’ll tell Rihannon that Romy was bitching about her. Sure.
JOSIE: * sighs, pulls off headset *. Meanwhile this game is a thinly veiled excuse to showing bouncing boobs, girl on girl action and leg spreads in tiny shorts.
MEL: Cat‘s fake “I don’t know Deanna’s name”.
JOSIE: Cat deserves a Logie for this performance.
MEL: Oh look they’re just playing AFL now, the game with no cohesive rules where everyone just runs everywhere and throws balls sometimes.
JOSIE: Yessss fake injury!
MEL: Lol doctor bachie to the rescue.
JOSIE: This is like one of those dramatic soccer injuries, where the player goes owwwww my ankle and grabs for his shoulder.
MEL: Badgie is frothing, sports injuries are his area, he is finally comfortable.
JOSIE: Sports injuries and aqua sex.
MEL: Lol at Jamie-Lee with the “My attractive crying, so embarrassing”.
JOSIE: If I was crying he’d be drowning in snot. I am a very ugly crier.
MEL: God she keeps going “I’m really hoping my mild ankle injury doesn’t affect my place on this competition”. What?
JOSIE: “It’s like really painful”. If you have to say it, it probably isn’t.
MEL: Tbf well fucking played, the little shit. She’s nailed getting all the attention.
JOSIE: Also if he carried me he’d need to go to the Physio. In short I’m glad I’m not on this show. I love this zero segue to all the other girls glammed up.
MEL: DASHA! SHE’S ALIVE!
JOSIE: SHE’S ALIVE. Ugh, the pretending not to know Deanna’s name is getting old. “Daneer” is not a name Cat.
MEL: Zesty purple linen mood from Badgie. With his recreational shorts of course.
JOSIE: Nick the coach updating us on the match injuries. “Yeah nah she’ll be back better than ever”
MEL: “She put in 110%, left it all out on the field.” Nooooo new Brittany. Do not dance.
JOSIE: Mate she’s wasted.
MEL: I mean the dancing was fun, I guess, but the drunk Mum in Cairns on a divorce vacay vibe is not.
Why are we now in the Daintree? Why is Tenille standing in the middle of the rainforest?
JOSIE: There are zero segues in this episode. Suddenly it’s day time and he’s on a date with Tenille.
MEL: What is he talking about? Is this about Tim Tams? He’s properly lost his mind.
JOSIE: Is everyone drunk in this episode?
MEL: Nick in motorcycle gear – mmmmmm….
JOSIE: Yeah it’s a vibe. And Tenille wore her vaguely ~ rock chick ~ outfit for the occasion.
MEL: I’m shocked her shirt wasn’t a Harley one from Ally Fashion.
JOSIE: Meanwhile Bee Man Doug is a vibe.
MEL: Lol at Tenille’s heeled boots and buzzy bee outfit.
JOSIE: “Bee honey”.
MEL: Bee honey.
JOSIE: Like “animal pets”.
MEL: Why is she laughing at literally nothing. She’s laughing at him saying “would you like to try some honey”. Everyone, lost it today. Also he handed her honeycomb? Why wouldn’t you eat it? Ah ok WAX!
JOSIE: “A stealthy little spit out”, happens to the best of us.
MEL: Why are they all so weird about kissing on first dates? It’s not 1912. Like you’re not SlutBarn USA for showing some form of sexual attraction.
JOSIE: You’re allowed to pash.
MEL: You can do whatever you want and it’s annoying me how they all act like they’re wifey bc they won’t kiss him on the first date. WHO CARES. Unless you are Romy and accosting his ear without an invite.
JOSIE: It’s not like it’s boning in front of everyone.
MEL: Meanwhile, I too don’t know about the lunar cycle and thought it had to do with periods. So. Feel you Tenille.
JOSIE: I want you all the know that Mel just mocked Tenille for not knowing what the lunar cycle was, and then admitted that she didn’t either. The truth behind the recap folks.
MEL: STOP SHAMING ME JOSIE.
JOSIE: Ooooh a kissy. I thought you didn’t kiss on first date, Tenille.
MEL: He’s holding her like she’s a laundry basket.
JOSIE: Cradling her like his delicates load.
MEL: Omg the outfits from the apocalypse women tonight – Iconic.
JOSIE: They have morphed into actual Disney villains. Them bitching about the kiss is quite funny considering they both practically molested him.
MEL: I get their issue, like don’t shame everyone for kissing on the first date and then crow on about yours. But also, those three are the devil.
JOSIE: They truly are. Omg Jaime Lee literally has crutches and a moon boot.
MEL: As iffff Jamie Lee doesn’t love her moon boot attention life.
JOSIE: Loving that he will cart her around everywhere.
MEL: Producer Ashlea on the case with the talking head about whether Jamie Lee is faking it. PLANT THE SEED BEB.
JOSIE: In her sensible work overalls.
MEL: Wow he really likes Jamie Lee. Why. I feel like all she’s done is say inspirational quotes.
JOSIE: He really does. He’s all silly around her, like a goober.
MEL: I don’t het it, she’s a walking inspirational quote machine with a bung leg.
JOSIE: “Oi tenielle” here we go. Here we fkn gooooo.
MEL: Omg Romy is just a master at stirring. It’s so gross but it’s also masterful. Tenille is quaking.
JOSIE: Romy is also so drunk. She’s even drunker than Cairns Divorcee Brittany.
MEL: One of her eyes is looking at nothing, that’s how wasted she is.
JOSIE: The pure white feathers are a wonderful compliment to her dark evil spirit.
MEL: Romy up in here like the ghost of bitches past, just floating in again after Tenille walked off.
JOSIE: Just drifting back into frame
MEL: * ghost voice * “Your lesson isn’t over yet TENILLE“. OMGGG Tenille running off and then fishing the mic pack out of her undies – ICONICCC.
JOSIE: Her putting her glass down to un-mic her Spanx is a fucking mood.
MEL: Why is she getting naked? Why is she doing that? Did she just drop her Spanx at the car?
JOSIE: Why is this so funny to me.
MEL: It’s so funny.
JOSIE: Also is this Producer Ashlea talking her back into returning to the mansion?
MEL: She’s back in regulations black.
JOSIE: Oh god she’s gone outside of the boundaries, Tenille is about to meet the Lithgow Panther.
MEL: It’s like Blair Witch Project up here.
JOSIE: She literally running into the forest. And next on All Aussie Mystery Hour: WTF Happened To Tenille?
MEL: What is this pitch black woodlands and torches out business.
JOSIE:You can tell Quinn from UnReal is in Producer Ashlea/regular producer’s ear. “Listen, how do you feel about Nick?”
MEL: Lol Tenille is like “LOOOOL BITCH I JUST LEFT MY SPANX NEXT TO THE LIMO IDGAF ABOUT NICK”
JOSIE: Seriously, when did this turn so dark. It’s like Wake In Fright: Prom Edition.
MEL: I would 100/10 be this level of un chill. I hate people as is, let alone living with 20 of them.
JOSIE: I knowwww. I also cry at the drop of a hat as you know. Meanwhile, Romy is so drunk she looks like she’s gonna topple off the podium at this rose ceremony.
MEL: Producer Ashlea front and centre in the outfit no other girl wanted to wear, but needed to be on the show for promotional purposes.
JOSIE: Sternum + bridal white.
MEL: Did a producer lift Jamie Lee up and deposit her in the rose-receiving section y/n.
JOSIE: They probably paused filming so nick could do it. Omg.
MEL: Oh bye Producer Ashlea.
JOSIE: Producer Ashlea finally gets to go back to work.
MEL: GREAT fake cry from her though. Give her a raise.
If you like Josie and Mel’s recaps, you should listen to their true crime/mysteries podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Hit it up on iTunes, Spotify or below:
