‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Tonight’s Rose Ceremony Saw Us Squeeze Out A Singular Actual Tear

Contributor: Josephine Rozenberg-Clarke, Melissa Mason

Here we go, folks — another episode of The Bachelor Australia that is actually kinda boring because they evicted all the mean girls last week and yes that was the right thing to do but admit it you liked the drama.

Aaaanyway, as always me (Josie) and my colleague Mel sat through yet another date that nearly ended in death, smug favourite Brooke copping more one-on-one time, Nick having more awkward couch encounters and an extremely dramatic rose ceremony complete with actual TEARS (mine, don’t judge me I’m tired okay).

Without further ado, let’s get into it and pray for the drama of the the hometown dates to roll around quickly…

JOSIE: Why am I suddenly craving a Slurpee. It’s like I see Brittany’s face and can taste cola and raspberry immediately, it’s so triggering.

MEL: We have made such a weird problem. A very specific craving. And I’m in Byron and you’re in Sydney right now, so we obviously didn’t get our Slurpee fix today.

JOSIE: It’s a very bad habit anyway. Anyway, this water is boring as fuck.

what fresh hell is this, i miss my frozen sugar

Here we go, another day, another life threatening group date! Is this a dating show or is it Ninja Warrior, I’m not sure. I would hate being on this series because I’m a lazy shit.

MEL: “Today we are in the middle of the bush”. WHICH BUSH, WHERE ARE THEY HOLDING YOU CAPTIVE? We need more Shannon, more signals. I truly believe Nick is a serial killer and the girls don’t leave, they DIE.

“tee hee hee welcome to another fight for survival ladies”

JOSIE: They die in the bush, Ivan Milat style. Speaking of murder, it might be a good time to plug mine and Mel’s true crime podcast All Aussie Mystery Hour which you can find right HERE on iTunes!

MEL: Lolololol. We are shameless with the podcast plugs. Meanwhile, speaking of shameless, Nick is hundo percent making some sweet side hustle cash from LowesAnother zesty shirt.

“would you believe this man owns 400,000 Lowes party shirts”

JOSIE: Another one! I walked past Lowes on the weekend and thought of him immediately. Surely he’ll be modelling their shit on his Instagram after this, no?

MEL: Still on the fashion front, Dasha does not look dressed for a Segway race. Neither does Shannon actually. No one warned these poor women.

JOSIE: They looked dressed for, hmm, I dunno, A ROMANTIC DATE.

MEL: LIKE NORMAL DATES ARE.

JOSIE: WHICH JUST DOESN’T HAPPEN ON THIS SHOW.

MEL: Omg, the outfits. It’s like they tried to make them the most unflattering pair of trackpants humanly possible.

JOSIE: This legitimately looks terrifying. Both the precarious vehicles and the ugly trackies. Okay so Cass has definitely ridden not only Nick in the past, but also a Segway. She just braked liked an expert.

can’t understand subtle rejection messages from Nick, can master a Segway

MEL: I am shocked anyone has ever ridden a Segway. I thought only European tourists on the Gold Coast used them.

JOSIE: What about Honey Badger saying that whoever instigated the date should pay because he’s “all about equality”. Mate, I’m a feminist but you’re a celeb so you can definitely pay for my steak and movie ticket thanks very much.

MEL: Yeah fully, I’d expect Honey Badger to be completely funding my meals for eternity. Also, do we think this is evil Emily or good Emily? I think it’s evil Emily the Dutch spy.

JOSIE: I can’t tell it’s a new accent. Estonian Emily. Estonian Emily smashed the Segway course.

WHO AM I TODAY

What about how Osher hasn’t stopped shouting for this entire episode.

MEL: He gets very extreme around sports. Remember the footy game? Never forget.

JOSIE: Maybe it’s him who came up with all the SPORT CHALLENGES at the brainstorm. WOW Brittany just stacked it. Did she fall on her wrist? See this is why we shouldn’t have life-threatening challenges on these dates. What have I been saying, producers?

MEL: Oh she’s fine. She is FINE. That’s a graze at best.

the cameramen were ready for the inevitable contestant death

JOSIE: Booooring, I definitely wanted another moon boot.

MEL: I love the smack of injury. I wish a wrist broke.

JOSIE: Same. Just snapped clean in half. Meanwhile, Brooke has been on more single dates with Nick than I’ve been on with Julien. My boyfriend. Of NINE YEARS.

MEL: Omfggg Brooke AGAIN, what a joke.

JOSIE: HAHAHAHAHA their faces when she walked past. All flinty “HAVE FUN!” then just daggers.

‘omg so happy for youuuuuu’

Finally a date setup that isn’t Super Cheap Auto or puddle themed. And a hefty wine too.

where I’m from we call this a Newcastle Pour

MEL: Wait, riding a Segway was on Brooke’s BUCKET LIST? Who is this woman?! What else is on that list, “drive a sensible family van”?

JOSIE: God Brooke, get some better aspirations girl.

MEL: “Learn to fishtail braid”? The beigest of goals.

JOSIE: “See the northern lights”? Oh actually I’d like to see them. That is a good aspiration. Brooke, you can borrow that one from me.

MEL: You know what, this is nice though because it means he genuinely isn’t a secret bi-phobic nightmare human about her past female relationships. Other than that, stop going on dates with Brooke.

JOSIE: Yeah that’s true he seems completely chill with it. Oh wow, now he’s suddenly on a date with Emily. I wonder which Emily will be on this date: Dutch, Aussie or Estonian.

MEL: I think Aussie then evil Dutch then Aussie then Estonian for the kiss.

JOSIE: Ooh that outfit is cute on her, she knows it too — she’s strutting. She’s also extreme Dutch Emily right now, accent-wise.

the world is my runway bitches

MEL: Omg ballet dancing. I would die if I had to do my unco dancing in front of someone I dated for 10 years, let alone the first date.

JOSIE: I know I’ve said it before but I hate all these dates. Let’s just sit and drink wine and pash on. All this activity, I cannot be fucked. But Nick getting puffed doing ballet is so funny. He’s all Fitness Man, but then he bends in one weird direction and he’s just done.

MEL: He’s so stressed.

JOSIE: I think he’s stressed because he doesn’t have a Lowes shirt.

omg not a flamingo or pineapple or shred of polyester to be seen

MEL: Definitely. The Lowes gives him superhuman strength. Omg Emily, girl, they aren’t hiring you for a principal. I know “principal” from Centre Stage, Josie.

JOSIE: Oh yes, of course. Everyone who was a teen in the 00s is an expert in ballet thanks to that movie. Ooh, it’s Aussie Emily for the one on one chat.

MEL: Oh I see Aussie Emily turned up to the couch part of today. Hahaha brain twin!

JOSIE: Ugghhhhhhh why does everyone get awkward in this couch part. Like, except for Brooke and Brittany.

MEL: I don’t know, surely it’s more awkward to have him give you an accidental ballet wedgie?

JOSIE: I feel like he doesn’t play ball here. Like, she’s nervous and awkward, ask some leading questions. Oh god, they had a friend kiss.

MEL: Oof, and not getting a rose at this point isn’t a good sign. Omg Sophie’s face when Emily comes back is like “What’s the teeeeea?”

JOSIE: It’s another sternum-themed cocktail party I see.

does my sternum look big in this

Everyone is so edgy about this final date card. Imagine if Brooke won it, lol. They’d throw her in the pool. Okay so Shannon and Nick are having a nice chat. Is it me or did they have a nice first date? Like, she refused to pash him but they had fun, I seem to recall.

MEL: Soph’s being intense, saying it’s “it’s all or nothing tonight”. Really, Sophie???

JOSIE: Sophie looks like she’s gonna puke.

MEL: Oh that was awkward, she had to force the chat. OH NO. NOT A WHITE BOARD. NOT A GOOFY GAME.

JOSIE: OH JESUS. A ZESTY STUNT. Stoppp. Lol Brittany was so patronising then: “Aw it’s cute god love her”.

MEL: God this is the worst. Stop drawing like he’s 5.

JOSIE: What in God’s name is she drawing. It looks like intestines. I used to work at a preschool and honestly their artworks were like Monets compared to this shit.

“and this is where poo is made”

MEL: It is the worst drawing. He’s like a primary teacher: “Soph, GOOD JOB. You get a star for participation”.

JOSIE: Oh Sophie’s terrible artwork paid off, she got the date. But Shannon looked so sad. Poor Shaz.

MEL: Oh god, the talking to the camera, she’s wasted and sad.

every high school girl at every high school party after 0.5 cruisers

JOSIE: Not a good combo but doll we’ve all been there. The rose ceremony music is actually from Transformers.

MEL: Hahahaha. Legit, it has a new techy edge to it.

JOSIE: It’s making me so anxious because I’m just hanging out for the tantrum from the ad.

MEL: YESSS I wanna see a rose chucked in his face. Hopefully.

JOSIE: And someone crying on the ground. It’s what we were PROMISED.

MEL: Ooft. Big pausey here as he decides who to keep.

JOSIE: Oh wow. Im shocked he picked Dasha tbh. Even though she’s my wife, he seemed to have more chemistry with Shannon?

MEL: Yeah I agree!!! Weird choice.

JOSIE: Here we go. Osher talking through his grief. Nick actually does look genuinely upset by the choice he made.

MEL: Yeah, this chat they’re having is like proper emotional.

every high school girl at every high school party after 0.75 cruisers

JOSIE: Noooo this is upsetting. I am teary.

MEL: Omg DASHA threw the rose onto the floor and now she is crying on the ground. This is so wild. But now Shannon is going on about how good they would have been and how he should have kissed her and it’s like… shush now bye-bye.

JOSIE: Ooft, yeah, off ya go. This is awkward. She is rambling.

MEL: Get in the car gal. Toot suite.

We weren’t lying about that crime podcast, y’know! If you enjoy our recaps you might just like it. Subscribe on iTunes HERE, or on Spotify HERE. Or, you can just listen / download below. 

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