Ooohhhhh shit you guys, we’re back! The Bachelor Australia 2019 is here, babey!!! It feels like… well like it’s been a literal month since the last Bachie, to be honest. There are a lot of Bachie shows.
[jwplayer 2TT8ymo7]
This time around we’ve got Matt Agnew, astrophysicist, as our Single Man Looking For Love, and god he’s a) a babe and b) a sweetheart. As always, me (Melissa, Senior Style & Features Editor / known whale-despiser) and Josie (Head of Editorial / Keanu Reeves future wife) are here to recap all the shit that went down. And some SHIT went DOWN, you guys.
JOSIE: OMG Mel I am legit so excited for Bachie right now. Of course this will disappear once he evicts all the fun spicy bitchy gals and it gets boring around the middle, but as of right now I’m here for it. I love Sweet Buff Smart Space-Knowing Matt already.
MEL: Same. Obsessed as well with the superimposed Space-Knowing Matt on spacey background. Personally I’ve never seen the Milky Way so visible in my Aussie yard, but you know.
JOSIE: Mel, is he an astrophysicist? Just not 100% sure because they didn’t: a) literally launch him into space in his intro or b) make 6,000 references to “space”, “out of this world”, “stars” and the moon in the 2 minute intro.
MEL: I don’t think there was *a* sentence that didn’t involve a the mention of astronomy. Also big mood – Sad Bachie in the water contemplating life, Sad-Yet-Ripped Bachie jogging along the beach. God I love these intros.
JOSIE: They tick all the boxes. There must be a body of water. There must be a sad contemplative facial expression. And there must be at least 6 visible abdominal muscles, if not more.
MEL: I also love the little montage of moments we’re yet to see this season – kisses, cute dates, you cackling evilly while we saw about ten girls crying.
JOSIE: Hahahaha. I just cackled again at the sheer memory of it. It was beautiful. One girl was literally racked with sobs. I live for this shit! You know who else lives for this shit? Osher. He’s literally the most excited person to be here.
MEL: Oshie just wants the world to find the love he has found, ok? He is very passionate about love. He is so excited about this show and all the promise it holds. Fave moment – when Osh asks Matt how on Earth he is single being such a smart babe, and Matt is like “well, I’ve had relationships in the past..” Osh – Matt has fucked before.
JOSIE: The Nerd Bachelor wants everyone to know he’s had his dick wet.
MEL: So first girl outta the ranks was Helena, a total wifey judging by the music. She had the itchiest dress on known to man, but generally seemed fine, I guess. I don’t know, I find the normal ones super beige until they’re given more than 3 milliseconds to express themselves.
JOSIE: He really liked her and kept complimenting her dress, which looked like two stiff table napkins stapled together.
MEL: Then we had the “China Researcher” – look guys, we didn’t realise our (un)official Bachie drinking game would result in you being trashed this early on, but we also did not expect to see so many odd jobs did we. I need to understand what specifically “China Researcher” does – she wants all the kids in Australia to learn Mandarin, but what is she DOING AS A JOB?? Like is she a Chinese teacher, is she a professor in Chinese studies, is she just an influencer who really froths China and goes there all the time… Anyway I have forgotten China Researcher’s name since all I could focus on was the mildly probbo faux Asian music playing whenever she spoke.
JOSIE: It kept continuing all night. Ten really got their money’s worth for the stock “Oriental music” they bought from Audionetwork. And we met Chelsie who was also some kind of Chemistry Nerd. She obviously feels like she’s got a leg up on the competition because she could vaguely decipher what he was talking about when he went into work mode.
MEL: There was also a pilates instructor who made Matt do thrusts on the ground – I can’t with this.
MEL: …and someone who showed up as a bride. Because of course.
MEL: Then, we have my stand-out favourite. Vakoo, who spent about ten minutes in the car practicing different ways to say “hi” to Matt. You know what, 10 made her seem unhinged but actually this was very me before a date.
JOSIE: I appreciated the attention to detail from Vakoo! She just wanted to nail her entrance and I really think she did. She was a mood and a half. I was howling at the bride girl (Rachel I think her name was) getting pissed off when Matt started chatting up her bridesmaid and calling her a “bitchface” under her breath.
MEL: YES YES YES I was so confused – I thought some sad contestant had agreed to be the bride girl’s lackey, carrying her train down the runway. But it was actually her (loved up) best friend, and Matt was kinda vibing her! Awkward as fuckkk and exactly what I want from this show.
JOSIE: You know what I want from this show? Unhinged over 30s clingers! And we got one, Mel. WE GOT ONE.
MEL: Thank GOD because I was losing interest with all these (mostly) normal women just looking for a normal relationship – then came Emma. Who immediately started planning her wedding (!!) with Matt.
JOSIE: I knowww. I kept saying “We’re due for a weirdo, we’re due for a weirdo”, because even the kooky ones were endearing. And then Emma comes in not blinking once and basically one step away from giving Matt a login to her wedding Pinterest. My god.
MEL: So then we meet Elly, who literally has organised a full-on date away from the red carpet meeting space. Is this allowed? Did she cheat? I feel like “fire pit and love-heart marshmallows” do not count as props.
JOSIE: Look, I’ll allow it because she’s from Newcastle and I back a hometown gal. But I’m with you, it seemed so naughty to go offsite?? You know loads of rejects from past seasons of The Bachelor Australia would have been sitting there watching going “If only I’d bloody taken Sam to an offsite couples massage two seconds after meeting him it would be me popping out his spawn and not fkn Snez that moll.”
MEL: Meanwhile the girls who were already settling in and quaffing the champers had this weird, extended convo about the mansion and how romantic it was? Clearly 10 maxxed the set budget and wanted to show it off with lingering pool shots.
JOSIE: And producers going from behind the bushes: “Pssst can you just say how this is amazing and perfect and like a fairytale please?”
MEL: “MENTION THE FLOATING FLORAL POOL DECORATIONS OR YOU’RE BOOTED, BITCH”. Then Osh loped in and dropped a megabomb – this year’s spicy first episode treat is a “Golden Ticket”, that grants whoever gets it a hometown date to Matt’s Melbs house. This was wild shit to me – big energy to just go “yes, this woman I have said three words to is interesting enough to shove in front of my parents”.
JOSIE: I knowww! It really upped the stakes and you know what that means – grown women behaving like 4-year-olds fighting over a toy at preschool. Just amazing areas. What about how Matt asks Unhinged Emma to “have a chat” first and then for the rest of the night she’s swooning against walls and sinking dramatically into chairs saying “Ohhhh it was really amazing. it went really, really well.” When no one actually asked or cared.
MEL: Oh my god, as you said while we watched – she was walking around talking like he’d just rooted her silly. Like it was the kind of convo you have with your best mates (not some random women who are competing for the same man) after the first fuck, not what you say after saying “hello, how are you, nice pants”.
JOSIE: And let’s not forget that she proclaimed she LOVED HIM at the very start before he even got to the cocktail party. Even the batshit chick in the wedding dress was like “Girl, too far.”
MEL: When a woman wearing a wedding dress to meet The Bachelor says you’ve gone off the deep end, you have very much plunged yourself off the deep end. You are in that part of the sea where only those creepy see-through glowing creatures live. The bit no one has seen before – you’re there. Can we also take a moment to note the random alpaca on site? Why is she there? Can I pat her? What is the meaning of life> Me as a bachelorette: * runs after alpaca, ignores Matt entirely *
JOSIE: I swear there were alpacas there last year!
MEL: I have never seen an alpaca at the Bachie mansion in my life, but I am really enjoying the fact there are alpacas at the Bachie mansion. Anyway, cue every woman interrupting all the other women 0.002 seconds into their convos with Matt. I hate this bit, it gives me hives.
JOSIE: “Can I steal Matt?” “Can I borrow you Matt?” “Can I cut in?” Answer: CAN YOU ALL JUST FUCK OFF. It’s the worst. This is when we decided we loved Elly because she was extremely nice and polite about her interruption. Bless her soul.
MEL: Omg Elly, an angel from heaven. TBH I don’t understand why EVERYONE doesn’t ask politely to chat after a convo is done? Seems far more normal behaviour-wise? So finally Elly gets her time with Matt, and as you said Josie “they’re cute but she’s only 12!” I agree – they were so cute together but I’m worried she might be too young for him.
JOSIE: She is very, very young. But also as I said to you, as a girl from Newcastle I can attest that it’s a bit dire there in terms of dating. So I can see why she’s bypassed the sticky dancefloor of the Argyle and moved straight into the reality TV method of finding a bloke. So they had a cute chat and then he had a few more nice enough chats with other girls. Nichole the COOL GIRL LOOK I SKATE AND HAVE A DIRT BIKE grabbed him and did her cool girl thing, but I just found her off-puttingly aggressive. I don’t even have a dick and mine retracted into my body because she was giving off such overconfident cocky vibes.
MEL: Nichole had all the potential c/o being very self-confident and individual, but like ruined everything by being a smunty arrogant shit, don’t you reckon?
JOSIE: Absolutely. I love it when women are confident but it was like 25% too much confidence which she rolled up into a ball and shoved in his mouth. It was a LOT. She was dead-set that she was gonna get the special gold date certificate, for example.
MEL: Yeah and just waltzing around cockily claiming he would 100% pick her? Nope. So eventually Matt grows tired of all these women jumping out of bushes to “grab him for a chat”, and gets the Golden Ticket. I always get SO stressed at this point every season! Who will he PICK! He’s walking up to this girl and then SWOOSH he turns a corner and is heading toward another huddle of people!
JOSIE: It was really tense. I feel like he took the longest route to his destination just to up the excitement factor.
MEL: He wound his way through all possible human corridors to make it to… Elly! I loooooved that he chose Elly. I thought he’d go for Helena or something, but Elly is just my fave aside from, obviously, Vakoo the mildly unhinged model.
JOSIE: OMG it was SO CUTE when he picked Elly. We both squealed like the absolute basic bitches that we are. And her reaction was very adorable as well.
MEL: Their conversation was so sweet too, you could tell he really liked her and she really liked him. Obviously we have PLENTY of time for this to crash and burn, but for now – she’s the obvious frontrunner by a mile.
JOSIE: As I said to you though, I’m already very invested in this pairing and almost want to stop watching because I don’t want to see it crash and burn! I want to preserve this lovely memory. (Also I will absolutely keep watching). Then blah blah we moved on to the rose ceremony which was fairly uneventful.
MEL: Extremely beige Bachelor Australia rose ceremony – Gently unhinged Vakoo is in! Completely unhinged Emma is in!
JOSIE: Batshit Bridal Person is in! A bunch of other people we never remember seeing before are in!
MEL: Some people we will never speak of again are booted!
JOSIE: And tomorrow – eight more of these nameless, faceless women are coming in! I cannot wait.
Love Mel & Josie? SAME. Yes this is Mel writing – shhhhh. The point is, we have a podcast called All Aussie Mystery Hour and you should listen to it – it’s fun, we’re fun, sometimes we say c**t on it and rile up the Boomers. Check it out.
