Jesus bloody Christ mates, Bachelor 2018 is not fucking around! We already had Cassie go full Jarrod on us in episode one, and now Romy – someone I literally didn’t even remember from yesterday – has literally devoured the Honey Badger’s neck in what was almost a grim murder. In his uncle’s pizza shop, no less!
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As always, Josie (Head of Editorial) and myself (Senior Style & Features Editor) are here to talk shit about all the stuff that’s gone down in that hour and a half of power.
MEL: HI WELCOME BACK HELLO JOSIE.
JOSIE: I’m so excited. I love this show Mel. Okay first realisation – it definitely is a new house.
MEL: Yes it looks like a farmhouse tbh. Like some remote property in Bourke NSW.
JOSIE: WHAT is that girl wearing around her neck.
MEL: The triple layer shell necklace? Theres a lot happening there.
JOSIE: She looks like she went scuba diving and became entangled in some coral.
MEL: Also was that girl in a child’s pinafore.
JOSIE: I’m alarmed.
MEL: I love this bit where they finally get to wear their own clothes and let their ~whacky personality~ shine through.
JOSIE: Cass is attempting to casually lean, but really the adrenaline is cursing through her veins re: Shannon scoring the first single date. She is sweating.
MEL: She was jittery as FUCK. Absolutely pulsing with rage. She looked like she was going to throw a plate across the room.
JOSIE: Shannon is so not a cool girl.
MEL: Absolutely not. If anything she’s more of a giant goober. A delightful one, but a cool one she is not.
JOSIE: She just practically jumped out the glass window with joy. I’ve seen more calm reactions on The Price is Right. Yay a football! A football on the date!
MEL: LOL at his formal shirt/boardies combo. A standard Nick Cummins special, I feel. This is probably his personal take on “smart casual”. “Yeah nah just pop a longie-sleeve shirt on with the good boardies, ay”.
JOSIE: “I think she looks tippy top” lol.
MEL: IT’S LIKE SHE STEPPED ON TWO WHITE RABBITS AND KEPT WALKING – I can’t. He’s fashion policing her. The boardies man is fashion policing her shoes.
JOSIE: First “Oh my gouuurrddd” of the episode right here. Wow she is literally screaming at him. “YOUUUU’RE JOKINGGGGG.”
MEL: Oh man I feel for Shannon right now – like imagine being scared of heights and your first date being like “WE GOING UP IN THE AAAAAIR IN A VERY UNSAFE AIRCRAFT! YAY!”
JOSIE: I enjoy how they’ve stolen the tribal necklace microphones from I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Omg these girls are like the hyenas from The Lion King.
MEL: They’re terrifying, like they’re surrounding prey.
JOSIE: They’re mean and cackle a lot.
MEL: Shannon’s extremely half-hearted “yeah beautiful” about the view is a mood.
JOSIE: Shannon is actually scared for her life. I’m worried she’s gonna chunder on him.
MEL: You know what. She’s going to fall in love with him bc its that thing where fear then equates to love in the brain or whatever. That’s a thing. Science.
JOSIE: Oh no. They’re climbing out of the heli. I hate this and I’m not even scared of heights. Doll who cares if you’re holding onto her. If you go down you will die together.
MEL: Hundo p the producers knew she was scared of heights. It’s like “Hey Shannon, for your first date WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU PTSD.”
JOSIE: This is like King Kong or some shit.
MEL: LOL SHE IS CLUTCHING ONTO HIM LIKE A BABY KOALA.
JOSIE: Mel. They’re in the WATER. They just dumped her in the water in a DRESS. A WHITE DRESS.
MEL: I can’t. I would murder the producers for that. I’d be like “THIS WAS A $300 SPELL THE LABEL DRESS MOTHERFUCKERS”.
JOSIE: You know what water immersion means, Mel. AQUA SEX INCOMING.
MEL: Yes!
JOSIE: Wait no. What is even happening now.
MEL: This turned into Masterchef in a swift and unsexy turn of events. I also don’t trust that the salmon has been refrigerated correctly.
JOSIE: My fave thing is when the Bachie is like “I planned out this date” when we know we’ll that the producers did the entire thing for him.
MEL: Same. OMG this poor angel. Fuck.
JOSIE: Now it’s fish that she hates.
MEL: She is absolutely gonna vomit now.
JOSIE: She is legit going to chunder. She’s going green. And she’s doing squinty eyed laughter at things that aren’t funny.
MEL: I can’t handle how she’s all “you’re soooo unique the way you speak!” NO HE ISN’T. He literally talks like Alf Stewart in every episode of Home & Away. I could not chat to this man btw.
JOSIE: This story isn’t even funny or interesting, about the coffee and Woolworths. Also lol, she interrupted and he looked so salty.
MEL: She is so ridiculously enthused by the mediocre yarn he is spinning, her head is going to fall off.
JOSIE: She was practically gnawing his arm off with excitement. Like a small ferocious terrier.
MEL: OK Steph the kids entertainer is basically a large child and I’m here for it. I have a penchant for overalls and baby dresses too Steph.
JOSIE: She really is. Adult baby aesthetic is strong. Poor Crystal Cayla. I feel bad for her The hyenas are mean to her because they don’t understand her pure aura energy.
MEL: It’s too pure for this villa.
JOSIE: Doll take a black tourmaline with you to ward off their shit.
MEL: That water is not a mood. It looks cold and sludgy.
JOSIE: I’m frightened of this water, is a croc going to come and take Shannon away? Just snatch her before the AQUA SEX can happen?
MEL: Honestly where are they, it looks like some dam on an abandoned property. There is NO shark net in there. NO ONE has checked for leeches.
JOSIE: It’s probably the stormwater drain out the back of the studio. They will needs shots for dysentery. Hey, Shannon seems genuine.
MEL: Agree. She’s a LOT. But she does seem to be there for the right reasons.
JOSIE: So many girls are just here to be influencers but her story seems real.
MEL: OMG HES TALKING ABOUT THE EX. THE ONE HE’S RUMOURED TO BE WITH AGAIN.
JOSIE: The hot Norwegian?
MEL: Yep.
JOSIE: Shannon’s very intense and needs to stop chewing on his arm tendons. Look at her angling for a kiss. Her face is 3mm from his.
MEL: She was angling for it so hard, and he was holding back. Extremely awkward.
JOSIE: Oh the rose in the thermos was cute. The rousing violins are getting to me, I’m swept up in the moment.
MEL: I’m vibing them. I like these dates where there actually seem to be sparks and not, like, tiny electric shocks as though the producers were poking them with cattle prods.
JOSIE: Kiss on the cheek tho ouch.
MEL: Yeah it was awkward bc she’s just so ON TOP of him you know? I just want to grab her face and go “BABE JUST A TINY BIT MORE CHILL OK”.
JOSIE: She literally walked back into the mansion screeching. And now everyone is screaming back. Honestly you and I would fit in on this show.
MEL: We would, we love a good 2-wine screech. Fuck being quiet, right? Cass is PISSED at her happiness. She’s absolutely off to shit in her pillowcase.
JOSIE: I have a pitch for Ten: let me go on the show, not to date Nick but just as a screaming shit stirring hype beast back at the mansion.
MEL: This is the part of the show that always makes me feel so weird, where they all grill someone about a date with the guy they’re also into? It’s fucking weird. This is the only part that makes me really aware of the fact that this is essentially a show where a bevy of women are clambering over each other to jump on one guy’s dick.
JOSIE: Yeah it’s heaps weird. Meanwhile – honestly I didn’t see Cass then, I reckon she’s totally pooing in Shannon’s bed. You’re right.
MEL: Did he just say live, laugh, love.
JOSIE: HE DID.
MEL: I just really want to cut Cass’s hair extensions out. She would look cute with the short hair. They’re awful.
JOSIE: Romy keeps licking her lips she’s 100% a hyena in fake human form.
MEL: Romy is looking at Nick like he’s a pile of sewn-together steaks and not, in fact, a human man. Which you know, cannot blame.
JOSIE: Wow these 80s outfits are an absolute boner kill. How did any man become erect in the 80s.
MEL: They are horrific.
JOSIE: How were we conceived, the mind boggles.
MEL: Omg Cass being like “I need to be around Nick so he knows how I feel”. Beb Nick KNOWS. I think he is HIGHLY AWARE of your interest after you told him you’d written his name in blood in your diary.
JOSIE: Omg Nick in a leather jacket. With no shirt. I am Cass rn. LET ME EAT YOUR FACE.
MEL: I can’t think of anything worse than boning a dude for a month or two, having him ghost (which absolutely happened) and then having to dress up in 80s gear and throw myself at him.
JOSIE: She hasn’t blinked for this entire episode. She is running on pure oestrogen.
MEL: I’m dying with how awkward this is. Her fallopian tubes are showing and I don’t mean bc her pants are tight, I mean she is that level of turned on.
JOSIE: I love how Romy’s job is apparently “photo shoot director” and she’s standing at this photo shoot like a shag on a rock.
MEL: I love how she’s like “I’m going to appear more sophisticated” then plays air guitar against Nick’s back in pink leg warmers.
JOSIE: “It’s better to appear sophisticated so I’m going to spread my legs and stick a guitar between them”.
MEL: VANESSA SUNSHINE IN THE OVERALLS FUCK.
JOSIE: My fave thing is how they put the bitchy girls in the frumpy AF outfits on purpose. Lol look how salty she is. She’s about to attempt to hack Brooke to death with that fake axe.
MEL: Props to Vanessa just going fuck this shit, I’ll just look hot then.
JOSIE: WHY IS CAT BARB FROM STRANGER THINGS. DYING. Meanwhile I’m imagining if Nick attempted to hold me in his arms, and the physio bill is have to cough up for.
MEL: Can’t deal with Brooke and Nick just having a moment right next to Vanessa.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m the 12km of distance between Vanessa and the action.
MEL: I’m Cass refusing to get out of her hot outfit. Ever. She will die in the pleather. OMG for a sec I thought Nick was also a teacher, and I was like ummmm… this is illegal.
JOSIE: Same, I nearly fell off my chair. “My passion for education includes pressing my penis against this schoolgirl.” Also is this a porno, I swear I’ve seen this one.
MEL: Lol at Crystal Cayla in that poo-toned pinafore.
JOSIE: With her hands in her pockets. I can’t watch.
MEL: I’ve disappeared into the floor. Wait what, why is she clambering all over him. This is also illegal. Noooooo! He is the student! WHAT IS SHE DOING. WHAT. IS SHE DOING.
JOSIE: I haven’t breathed for 8 min. I can’t deal. Onto Sophie and yoga – this is another boner kill. Unless it’s tantric yoga she’s not interested doll. Unless you’re standing behind her nude while she’s doing downward dog it’s not hot.
MEL: Here’s a thing. I feel like Soph is a Watsons Bay Bar type and Nick’s a local Bowlo guy. You know? Like she would be taking hot Instagram sunset pics in a Faithfull The Label dress and he’s over at bowls with a VB in his Dickies.
JOSIE: They’re not really vibing.
MEL: Right?! Which is wild bc when she came in I thought she was super vibey with him. Tag yourself Im Romy’s flinty sip of vino.
JOSIE: I’m Nick’s penis retracting into his body. Oooh surprise date back at the mansion! Omg he’s kissing everyone like he just got married and has to greet all his aunties.
MEL: AAAAA I’m screaming at Cass clamouring around trying to get a hug. CASS JUST TRYING SO HARD. TO GET A HUG. Also why is Romy dressed like my 60 year old mother.
JOSIE: She’s very sensible looking for a hyena.
MEL: Omg we’re in Manly. Accidental hometown date!
JOSIE: He’s taking her to the local!
MEL: Ok so they haven’t been removed from society and placed on an expansive plot of land. I can’t with this pizza date. “Come for a pizza at the local mateeee!”
JOSIE: One of my fave things is the overreactions to banal moments “YOUR UNCLE HAS A PIZZA PLACE OH MY GOURRD!!!”
MEL: Mate, Uncle Mike maybe overdid it on the brow dye.
JOSIE: This is so awkward. Why is she meeting Uncle Mike.
MEL: Is this an ad. “And if you watch Bachie you get 40% off your next order at Uncle Mike’s Pizza Factory!”
JOSIE: I’m surprised mike isn’t in the middle, cosying up to them both.
MEL: Omg Josie. She’s found a frangipani for her hair. It’s a Bachie In Paradise crossover moment.
JOSIE: Of course she has because she’s your MUM. Not your mum specifically. Just a mum. Helen mason would never stoop to that. What is this product placement with the pizzas. In this disgusting kitchen. It’s like something out of Gordon Ramsay’s kitchen disasters. Now the sexy music??!!
MEL: This is so unhygienic.
JOSIE: I’m alarmed.
MEL: I am never going to Uncle Mikes and that is a fact. No one ever go there, 0/10 cleanliness rating, people basically have sex in the kitchen.
JOSIE: MEL. She tried to kiss him and choked. Literally. On flour.
MEL: I can’t with all the “yes honey” business from Mum Romy. Also PLEASE – “It’s not about being hot” she says as she touches his pec.
JOSIE: Omfggggg.
MEL: AAAAAAA! SHE JUST GAVE HIM A HICKEY!!!!!
JOSIE: She’s chewing on his neck tendons!
MEL: This is so fucking wild.
JOSIE: Is this The Walking Dead? “I got in first with the kiss”. Yeah right. First in humiliating herself.
MEL: I mean by all means, be sexually confident but fuck mate he was NOT VIBING that odd make-out sesh.
JOSIE: I can’t with all this to-camera “I got the first kiss”. No you didn’t you slimy binch.
MEL: Ah back at the mansion. Old mate time lord over here “It was lunch and now it’s night time guys”.
JOSIE: These girls are NASA level geniuses. Oh look, Nick and Romy are back. He looks like he’s taking his mum to his big awards show. Which is what all the fetus AFL players do.
MEL: How has he given her a rose. She’s still clambering up him like he’s a tree.
JOSIE: I reckon he regrets the rose. He’s like “can I just have that back thanks doll”. If I was her I’d be in bed crying from embarrassment.
MEL: Omg she’s telling the girls they had a ROMANTIC KISS! BULL SHIT BABE.
JOSIE: A romantic licking his neck tendons.
MEL: “We had a great kiss where I ripped his jugular out. With my lips. He is now dead.”
JOSIE: “And I’m dating uncle mike now”. Oh no Shannon is gonna cry. Over this slimy LIE!
MEL: Ohhh Shannon. She’s so pure of soul.
JOSIE: YESSSS THE UNREAL PRODUCERS ARE COACHING HER!
MEL: Legit though this show would ruin me. I’d need years of therapy
JOSIE: She genuinely likes him and is just a pawn in Romy’s nefarious pizza empire games.
MEL: Romy is like a drunk Mum who says mildly probbo shit when she’s one bottle down right now. Just going around stirring shit and sloshing wine all over the floor.
JOSIE: Drunk mum at the Awards night.
MEL: Drunk Mum clambering onstage. “WHEERES MIKE WHITNEEEY! HES SOOO HOT! *squints into distance* MIIIKE!” Also Tenille looks like she’s wearing a skin suit.
JOSIE: Omg this fake kiss story is viral. It’s getting bigger and bigger.
MEL: Placing the rose in her tits is a mood though.
JOSIE: Uh oh, the hyenas are assembling for a plan.
MEL: Plans are never good on this show. Never. Start. A plan.
JOSIE: Omg. Oh fuck. Ohhhh my god.
MEL: She’s interrupting Tenille. This is horrific.
JOSIE: Everyone at the window like a Shakespearean tragedy. Meanwhile Cayla’s snake metaphors have impressively spanned an entire episode.
MEL: Look Romy’s a drunk mum but she’s a bit of a mood with this ballsy hustle.
JOSIE: She’s me after a few Pinto G’s.
MEL: Show wise she’s the worst but life wise I wanna share a few margs with her.
JOSIE: I think I’m uncomfortable because it’s like looking in a mirror. Oh no, she’s gone for the other jugular.
MEL: STOP EATING HIS NECK, ROMY.
JOSIE: Call 000. Someone stop the bleeding.
MEL: This arm-waving girl is me. Just waving her arms that little bit too long. Bit too dramatic.
JOSIE: Rose ceremony!
MEL: WE HAVE OUR FIRST CROWN, PEOPLE.
JOSIE: Cween Cayla. I’m telling you it’s Shakespearean stuff. My fave part is the rose ceremony where there are girls I have literally never seen before.
MEL: Wait how are there only 18 roses. I thought we were up to 22.
JOSIE: Yeah wait weren’t there 23. Wait 22??? Maths.
MEL: HOW MANY WOMEN. ARE HERE.
JOSIE: I don’t knowwwww. They all look identical.
MEL: Wait there’s 2 he’s already given out.
JOSIE: Oh fuck, yes carry on.
MEL: Brooke’s getting cocky with that “don’t scare me like that” comment.
JOSIE: In her mind they are married.
MEL: Every time Cass gets called, she gets the most hectic music.
JOSIE: The Avengers: Infinity War battle scene music. Copyright Marvel 2018. Who are half these women. I don’t know anyone except for Brooke and the bitchy ones.
MEL: Oh, bye randoms.
JOSIE: Osher genuinely sounds like he’s going to cry.
MEL: Off to the glue farm with the rejects. Osh knows. That’s why he’s so sad.
JOSIE: The rejected women, never to be seen in human form again.
If you like Josie and Mel’s ramble-ons about Bachie, they also do a true crime/mystery podcast called ‘All Aussie Mystery Hour’. Check it out on iTunes here.
