I’m calling it – The Bachelor 2018 is the best goddamn series of Australia‘s ENTIRE Bachie franchise. It is. All the women are either perfect human angels or wild entertainment gold, The Honey Badger is hilarious, and the dates are just brilliant TV bullshit.
[jwplayer jJoBfNnw]
Tonight’s ep featured Dasha heading off on a fishing expedition with Badgie, a group outing to peg squishy balls at people’s heads/private parts, and one INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE KISS ATTEMPT FROM CAT DEAR GOD.
We’re still not over it tbh.
Here’s all the thoughts Josie (Head of Editorial) and myself (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) had tonight.
JOSIE: AQUA SEX: Solo Creek Edition.
MEL: Hahahaha. Honestly where the fuck are they? I can’t figure it out. I’m not entirely unconvinced we are in rural QLD at this point. But with added Sydney Harbour!
JOSIE: One second it’s a metropolis then it’s the Nepean River.
MEL: Omg YARRAMUNDI shout out to my Year 6 camp!
JOSIE: And Dasha, my wife.
MEL: He’d better stay away from your wife Josie.
JOSIE: If he doesn’t marry her then I fkn will!!! Him standing ankle deep in sludge while staring wistfully is a real vibe.
MEL: This is so good. “Ahhh yeah mate just hop in that sludge there eh? Just stand there, that’s the way. Nah that’s not a snake it’s just a log buddy. That wasn’t a croc your foot just fell off”.
JOSIE: He can barely drag his feet through it. Also why is Dasha wearing a ball gown in the bush. She looks like she’s in a Vogue Australia shoot feat. Nicole Kidman.
MEL: What on earth are they going to do in the sludge river. Why is she walking down INTO it. Omg love The Badge Fashion Report “Here she is in a beautiful floral number”.
JOSIE: He’s now forcing her to trudge through this creek. Why. For hours. In the hot beating sun.
MEL: All the way back to the house. “Today’s date, we’re gonna follow this river back to the Bachie mansion!”
JOSIE: They blew the budget in the group date. Back to the mansion and Romy‘s bitching about other women in a feminist t shirt again. I have another irony-induced headache.
MEL: Who the fuck is THAT? Old mate Plaitsy McGee over here.
JOSIE: Blair???
MEL: Who?
JOSIE: No idea but her braids are TIGHT.
MEL: Oh no. “I need to spend more time with him” Cass beb you have spent so much time with him. SO MUCH. You have one time absolutely had his peen in your vageen ok? He is very aware of you and how you feel.
JOSIE: I can’t deal with much more of this. She scares me Mel.
MEL: Something about her vibe, like the jitteriness of her, makes me feel like I’m standing naked in front of a huge room of people in suits. Aaaand we are back to the sludge date. Only Dasha could make fishing overalls look hot, WTF.
JOSIE: What a queen. Also this date is cute. I don’t want to do it, ever. But it’s cute when other people do.
MEL: So once a guy tried to teach me to fish and I threw the entire pole into the water. So I can safely say she’s doing really well.
JOSIE: Hahahaha. His $750 fishing pole?
MEL: Yup, pretty much.
JOSIE: Omg Dasha is a Virgo like meeeeee.
MEL: Wouldn’t that make you incompatible as wives?
JOSIE: I hate to break this to them but Virgo and Libra aren’t compatible.
MEL: OMG. SHE FELT SPECIAL. She said “It made me feel special”. She’s so pure of soul. Like a hot Mother Theresa without the controversy.
JOSIE: I love her so much I feel emotional. She seems so lovely. If he hurts her I will kick him in the dick.
MEL: Let it be known that Josie is crying. AGAIN.
JOSIE: When she talks about Leon I’m DONE.
MEL: JFC the hair playing though, it’s a lot. Like hold on mate you haven’t even kissed the bloke yet. Talons OUT of the curls.
JOSIE: Brooke is going to come stumbling through the bushes to tackle Dasha who is trying to out-wife her.
MEL: Aaaaaaaaa! HE’S SPEAKING RUSSIAN TO HER! OR ITALIAN! I AM NOT SURE!
JOSIE: Imagine if it wasn’t Russian though, lol. And she just said yes anyway
MEL: OMG does he love her? I feel like he maybe loves her.
JOSIE: Big kissy.
MEL: That’s a phenomenal kiss. Biggest kissy.
JOSIE: The best kiss.
MEL: This date is a VIBE. My tummy has butterflies, Josie.
JOSIE: It’s soooo nice. I ship it HARD. Even if she was my wife first. Hey! We’re now at Allianz Stadium! That’s just up the road! Also – another ~ SPORTS DATE ~.
MEL: Everything so far has been a sports date. But this is better than footgolf – I would rather watch him have a date where they slowly eat a large bowl of custard, using one spoon, with lots of digusting close-up slow mo of dribbling yellow liquid, than ever see footgolf again. Or, we have an entire episode that’s just Naked and Afraid: Bachie Editon and all the dates are them being dropped in the wilderness nude.
JOSIE: That would be so lit.
MEL: I see Cass is already sad over something.
JOSIE:Shouting Osher literally has a big microphone, by the way.
MEL: He’s loving his role as umpire. I would get so into this game, I feel competitive just watching. It’s like that school game, pig in mud? Stick in the mud.
JOSIE: Stuck in the mud.
MEL: …yes.
JOSIE: Hahahaha.
MEL: Meanwhile, Osh to commentate State of Origin next year. #OshForOrigin2019. Get the hashtag going.
JOSIE: Whoever just archeried into Nick’s balls just then absolutely reduced Nick’s ability to procreate by 50%.
MEL: Britt 100% just ran into a bullet to get put in jail with Nick, too.
JOSIE: This stretching is not necessary. It’s just heyyyy I’m flexible, admire me in tights. Also Brittany is you playing this, Mel.
MEL: Omg I was just about to say her extreme level of competitiveness is very much me, even though I wish I was a chill girl. Am I that transparent.
JOSIE: Osh, you are the worst umpire.
MEL: He’s having the best time though. He wants this show to be only this game.
JOSIE: He is living for this and talking so fast. Meanwhile, quick interlude while Dad Bill Mason calls Mel.
MEL: Crisis averted, minor dad-panic over my travelling sister who is literally completely fine and no parent needed to call me in the middle of work. As we were.
JOSIE: Phew. Glad Kate is okay!
MEL: Ugh, Cat with the “thanks beb love u beb”.
JOSIE: Fact: I didn’t call Julien babe for at least a year. And it started as a joke.
MEL: I don’t think I’ve ever called a guy babe, I can’t even call boyfriends a nickname. I’ll be like “thanks William no worries Daniel”.
JOSIE: I love you Bartholomew.
MEL: As you were Hamilton. I don’t know what we are talking about anymore. Oh look! Cat is talking about her business again. Hey Josie.
JOSIE: Yes Mel?
MEL: Did you know Cat had a jewellery business?
JOSIE: I wasn’t sure because she hasn’t mentioned it!
MEL: I had NO IDEA! I’m frankly shocked. OMGGGGG did she just say…. did she just say “HOW DOES IT WORK WITH KISSING“???
JOSIE: Cat and Romy are such vultures. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhjjjh fuck!! SHE’S TRYING TO KISS HIM.
MEL: AAAAAHHHHHFKDHSKSHDKSHD FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
JOSIE: Have it be known that we are screaming IN the office right now.
MEL: I’m mortified for her, for the camera men who had to witness that, for honey badger, for the grass. For the bugs. For Jesus in heaven. Just for everything that existed during that moment.
JOSIE: Also that was such a dad kiss. What is with these people.
MEL: I just…I’d allow the llamas to eat me to death after that.
JOSIE: I’d hit myself repeatedly in the head with Cass’ diary.
MEL: Speaking of, I can’t deal with this recap of Cass.
JOSIE: Why do we have to relive that. I’m fragile after the Cat debacle I just re-watched now.
MEL: Oh my god, why is Blair Fitness Barbie.
JOSIE: Oh god oh god. Oh Christ.
MEL: The japes are the worst.
JOSIE: Stop with the zesty stunts. Meanwhile Romy and Cat are dressed as evil Disney queens.
MEL: I mean I hate the three horsewomen of the apocalypse. But also sometimes I love them.
JOSIE: They’re entertaining at least. They’re 3000% there doing producers bidding.
MEL: Oh god. “I want him to just grab me and tell me how she’s feeling” CASSSSS. Stop.
JOSIE: Romy hit the nail on the head, she does look nauseous.
MEL: Nice that Romy didn’t say “Cass is distracting me” when Badgie asked her why she was distracted.
JOSIE: Yeah and she’s telling the absolute truth, Cass is totally in love with him and lurking around acting like an unhinged person.
MEL: She is just… honey. I just want to hug her. And then slip her my psychologists card.
JOSIE: It’s hurting my heart. She needs to go. Also Cat is deranged – what part of that date “went really well”? He shot you the fuck down honey.
MEL: No rose = shit date.
JOSIE: Denied kiss = shit date.
MEL: Rose ceremony! Oh geez. Cass is absolutely caught in dick sand. “He’s a dream”. HOW IS HE A DREAM. He’s just some dude from you gym.
JOSIE: Also doll you’re 23. You have years of dicks to get through. Both penises and actual dickheads. She’s having heart palps.
MEL: Omg one rose left and Cass still there. Shit.
JOSIE: Oh mate. She’s through.
MEL: She needed to go though, I’m a bit sad.
JOSIE: We have another week of this drama at least.’
MEL: What on Earth was THAT. “I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this”.
JOSIE: What?
MEL: That was the most awkward exit. Ooft.
Love me and Josie? YEAH YOU DO, WE’RE GREAT. Come listen to us talk at length about true crime and mysteries on our new podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Hit it up on iTunes here, or below.
