‘BACHIE’ RECAP: We Have Aqua Sex Folks, We Repeat, We Have Aqua Sex

We’ve finally reached the point end of The Bachelor 2018, folks. The end with the AQUA SEX. Have we all been waiting for this moment, the moment teased to us in the previews of the ENTIRE SEASON 400 years ago when we started this journey, or have we BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.

We’ve been waiting for this moment.

[jwplayer z25Jd4AY]

Anyway, aside from Sophie and Nick getting down in some lukewarm filthtown water, we also saw Brittany get another qual time moment with the Bachie, and everyone dressed up in heinous ’50s gear! Great! Then, sadly, Dasha and Emily went home. But if you couldn’t predict that then you, my friend, have not been paying attention.

As always, we’re here to recap the hell outta the ep for ya.

JOSIE: Hi Mel. I’m home sick without a Slurpee. The lengths I go to for Bachie.

MEL: Hey my sickly friend! I’m at work without a Slurpee, but omg do you know what I DO HAVE??

JOSIE: What?

MEL: BYRON BAY COOKIE CO SENT US COOKIES.

We unashamedly like free shit, send us more free shit.

JOSIE: And I’m not there to eat. I’m so depressed.

MEL: I’ll generously save you like, one cookie. Meanwhile everyone else, feel free to send us food. I welcome, and will publish, the following free things – fresh puppies, pizza, margaritas.

JOSIE: OMG TONIGHT IS THE AQUA SEX EPISODE FINALLY.

MEL: FINALLY. It feels like it’s been 84 years.

JOSIE: Wow 50s Nick is a vibe I’m into.

MEL: Yeah, see idk about 50s Nick. The hair is a real issue for me. He looks like the bully from my primary school is likely why.

It’s a no from me

JOSIE: I enjoy it, and the dancing. And humping the floor. His neck is far too big for that hair though.

MEL: Agree. Once again, no one is dressed appropriately for whatever active sport they’re about to do.

JOSIE: Surely at this point they have learned. Why haven’t these girls paid attention. It’s not a group date dolls it’s a physical fight to the death.

MEL: Oh wow I love to have cued, intense questions about where my relationship is headed! What a fun time!

JOSIE: Is Brittany drunk? She’s like extra zesty in this episode.

MEL: Hahahaha we just saw 40 bottles of alcohol so… maybe.

JOSIE: Wow now Britt is humping the floor.

MEL: Here’s a thing, the 50s style is only flattering on like 10% of human beings IMO. I would be like please remove this Gwen Stefani quiff from my hair, stylist, before I bunch you in the vajootz.

I will straight up shank you for this, Alexis with the curling wand in wardrobe

JOSIE: Of course Brooke gets a strike. “Oh I don’t know how to bowl” * pulls out own personalised bowling ball in special bag *

MEL: 20 bucks says a producer magnetised her ball so it rolled straight down the middle.

JOSIE: Wow they all hate Brooke? They’re like GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE CAR MOLL.

MEL: They really want to push her down the bowling alley into the hellmouth that is wherever bowling pins go. Where do they go?

JOSIE: I don’t think Cass can let a day go by without saying “I was really hoping to get some time with Nick”. I don’t know where pins go, to answer your question. But I’ve always wondered.

MEL: She absolutely can’t.

JOSIE: Meanwhile, Dutch Emily in the car.

MEL: Aussie Emily at the lanes. Also, I’m adding burgers to the list of things I would like to be sent for our next recap viewing after seeing their little stack at the lanes. You hear me, Maccas slash KFC slash Oporto slash Hungry Jacks? Anyone really?

JOSIE: Oooh yeah burgers or pizza and slurpees!

MEL: And FRESH PUPPIES JOSIE. If someone sends me a puppy to cuddle I’ll take 40 photos of it. I’ll tag it on Instagram. I’ll tattoo it’s face on my left cheek, probably.

JOSIE: Wow Dasha is crying, poor thing.

MEL: Oh no we are doing group diary entries. This is a terrible idea.

JOSIE: Cass is thriving.

“And that’s all I have to say about the time I collected Nick’s stray pubes from the drain in the Bach pad”

MEL: Lol she so is.

JOSIE: This is extreme Cass bullshit.

MEL: “I’m old hand at this bitches”.

JOSIE: She’ll unfurl a comically long scroll and they will be there for 3 days.

MEL: SOULMATE. OMG. She’s calling him her SOULMATE.

JOSIE: OH GOD. ALSO IN 10 YEARS SHE WILL BE MY AGE.

MEL: He is dying. Literally dying in his soul. He looks like he’s shaking his head like STOP TALKING. IMMEDIATELY STOP.

pls i beg u

JOSIE: He’s like “please someone take me to the place bowling pins go to die”.

MEL: * rolls self down alley into the abyss *

JOSIE: Bye forever.

MEL: Oh no, Dasha is actually making me cry bc she has her Bebe and she misses him.

JOSIE: Same. She needs to go home and be with her little guy. She’s too good for this. Nick is so nice to go over and be understanding.

MEL: Yeah she’s way too good for this. Especially given Nick’s is likely peening the entirety of the Manly coastal region as per rumours.

JOSIE: Hahahah. True.

MEL: I think I can safely say Dasha is not for him rn.

JOSIE: Not at all. Also on another note can Dasha adopt me.

MEL: You’ve gone from wanting to marry her to wanting to be her child here Josie.

JOSIE: I know. It’s deeply weird. I just love Dasha. Meanwhile, Brittany’s letter sux.

MEL: NO I LOVE IT!

JOSIE: It’s too tryhard.

MEL: Noooo, fuck all this serious shit!

JOSIE: It’s not funny!

MEL: Oh no here’s serious Britt. I spoke too soon. Ugh she won anyway. Me doing this letter: wow 40 year old Mel, you’ve done really well with yourself by poisoning your husband Nick Cummins and running off with his life savings!

JOSIE: Hahahaha. His Bachelor money.

MEL: Nick’s then like, please leave immediately via those security guards. Oh no please not another chocolate bath please god.

JOSIE: Christ alive.

MEL: Thank god it looks to be just a drink.

I still have flashback horror about that bath though, the chocolate drool is giving me anxiety

JOSIE: That was got to be the worst moment in Bachie history.

MEL: Hands down. “Slip right in” is terrible terminology after your sex comment, Brittany.

JOSIE: Is it me or do they just talk about the same shit on every date?

MEL: No one has real convos on these dates, it’s just a lot of “I want to settle down with someone” and “I love being cool”.UNDER THE PUMP! Am I losing it or is she subliminally messaging him?

JOSIE: “PACKAGE”.

MEL: Hahahaha. “Cool” LIKE WHEN YOU COOL DOWN…. AFTER SEX!

JOSIE: BALANCE. Like when you’re having sex standing up and need to balance or you’ll fall over!

MEL: Hahahaha.

JOSIE: Here we go, another SPORTS DATE with Sophie. Inspired by the nail biting final scenes of the iconic film D2: The Mighty Ducks.

MEL: Shocker.

JOSIE: I would just be mortified on every single date. I am so unco.

MEL: These guys have way more chemistry than at the beginning… but I still feel like she fakes the cool girl bullshit.

JOSIE: Like “fuck yeah I love ice skatingggg”.

MEL:Fuck yeah love being carried by a man balanced precariously on skates who may fall and cut my throat open by accident”. Like “bloody marvellous” there’s no way she talks like that. Not at all.

Love 2 almost get decapitated by an idiotic man in a questionable beanie.

JOSIE: Also she had ice on her butt then she clearly fell over.

MEL: She hundo p frequents The Bucket List on a Sunday wearing a silk slip dress and heels.

JOSIE: Isn’t she from QLD?

MEL: Whatever, the fancy waterside bar for semi-rich young investment people, wherever she lives.

JOSIE: Agreed. But also, I’m a chill pub gal but also hate doing physical sports dates.

MEL: Agreed.

JOSIE: Also why are they both suddenly so good at skating?

MEL: They’re like professional ice hockey players.

JOSIE: I would have comically slid for 20m on my face by now.

MEL: I’d have lost 2 teeth. Easily. Oh my god the moaning during that hockey snog. I feel like I’m watching some bad amateur porn.

JOSIE: I’m low key pumped for their AQUA SEX tbh.

MEL: Same I’ve been waiting for it all season babey!!! Pool straddling in a Brazilian knicker, come at us.

JOSIE: So here for it.

MEL: Hahahaha the “pee turns the water a different colour” thing. My biggest fear as a child.

JOSIE: I would absolutely need to pee after that Newcastle pour of champers.

MEL: Hmmmmmm…. Is it hard to decide who to take to hometowns, Nick? I frankly feel like you’re already all Emily and Dasha bye simple pimple.

JOSIE: Nick is doing that thing of not wanting to talk about something serious so trying to kiss her to distract from the topic. Like he moved her over to the other side of the spa but she kept crapping on about it hahaha.

Yeah cool beb can we talk about your career goals after we grind a little in this wee water

MEL: Hahahaha he is 100% thinking with his willy.

JOSIE: He’s like “screw the hometown date how about a horn-town date uhuhuhurrr”.

MEL: HORN TOWN! ONE WAY TICKET TO HORRRRN TOWN!

JOSIE: I’m on the train to horn town!

MEL: If his semi isn’t sticking into her stomach rn I owe everyone reading this $50.

U N C O M F O R T A B L E

JOSIE: Omg the music. It’s like the climatic scene from The Sound Of Music where she’s spinning around a field in the alps.

MEL: Except with erect nipples.

JOSIE: Hahaha he told Kyle and Jackie O that they nearly boned at that point, and the producer stepped in!

MEL: Omgggg that is insane, with everyone watching!!! I would die.

JOSIE: I would die if someone placed my scantily clad butt conveniently on the side of the spa near the camera.

I mean if my butt looked like that I’d probs be like COME ON OVER CAMERA GUYS GET ALL ANGLES

MEL: My parents would 4000% be watching and would then never ever stop turning beetroot in my presence after seeing me horn around with a dude with full zoom camera.

JOSIE: With a pair of swimmers the size of a Nacho Cheese Dorito.

MEL: Props to her for not pretending to be a virgin but also, in general my butt would not look that epic in full 360 zoom camera, so.

JOSIE: Cocktail party! Oh CHRIST. Cass.

MEL: Oh no. Ukelele party is NOT A MOOD.

absolute hard pass on this year 6 talent show horseshit

JOSIE: Sophie just writhed around in a tiny bikini and you’re pulling this Moana shit. How embarrassing for your life and soul.

MEL: Oh fuck this is so unsexy, I’ve voluntarily joined a convent since I’ll never have sex again now.

JOSIE: My vagina just straight up disappeared. I looked down and it was just gone. RIP.

MEL: Oh god Dasha’s kid. Tiny baby!

EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

JOSIE: The cutest. Omg nick looks like he’s going to spew.

MEL: Nick is like babies are not on the radar.

JOSIE: He looks like he feels bad that she’s here too.

MEL: Yeah fully. He has a good soul I feel.

JOSIE: Same.

MEL: Rose ceremony is stressful rn.

JOSIE: It is a bit. But I also feel we know who the top 4 are.

MEL: Osh once again sounds like two women are to be thrown into a lion pit in the next 5 minutes.

JOSIE: Osh is always so upset at this point.

MEL: If Dasha and Emily don’t go I’ll like the cement outside.

JOSIE: Wow Sophie’s face when Britt got called first. She looked like she was silently wailing.

MEL: Soph sounded so smug just then. She bloody knew.

JOSIE: I thought she looked relieved! Also, as if Brooke isn’t getting it.

Come ON that’s a smug face

MEL: Ten bucks says producers are making him take Cass to hometowns and he is dying over it.

JOSIE: Hahaha so much. They’ll get to her mums house and there will be a shrine to him there.

“I pre-regret this rose”

MEL: Bye Emily and Dasha, as predicted. They both look like they’re cool with this sitcho.

JOSIE: I think she looks happy to be going home to Leon. Even if Osher sounds like he just found out all his family has been slaughtered.

MEL: Omg I hate when they do this. No Dasha just get in the car. Get in the caaaar!

JOSIE: IT’S OK DASHA I fell in love with YOU TOO! Wow sorry. I’ll pull myself together. I just love her, she’s a sweet soul.

MEL: Hometowns look brutal. Can’t wait.

JOSIE: Same!

Like reading us ramble on about Bachie? Come listen to us ramble on about TRUE CRIME and AUSSIE MYSTERIES on our podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Listen in iTunes, Spotify, or below!

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV