Good morning friends! The sun is shining, the tank is clean and the election has been called. Who will sit on the big old throne in the Senate, who gets to become king of Australia and who will tastefully paint over Clive Palmer’s next billboard? A lot of shit is about to go down over the next couple of weeks, so we’ve whipped up our election recaps, just for you.
What have you missed so far? Not much. Shit’s just getting started. If the election was a multi-layered cake then we only just bought the icing and the cake mix.
The first thing you need to know is that yes, the election has been called.
Scott Morrison (affectionately named Slowmo by enemies AND lovers) appeared from the abyss on April 10 to set the date for the next election. And thus, the date was set. You and your nonna will be heading to the voting booth on May 21.
If you don’t know much about how the election works and how the meticulous art of voting operates, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
Alright friends, let’s get into what the fuck is happening.
PM says he supports push to effectively ban trans women from competing in female sports. Applauds “very brave” Liberal women pushing idea. “We will deal with that another time”.— Samantha Maiden (@samanthamaiden) April 11, 2022
Jesus. Okay! Well. Wow. Fucked.
Scott Morrison (who we will call Scooter from here on out) dropping casual transphobia and saying he will “deal with it” another time is so dismissive and disrespectful.
To make matters worse, this comment is essentially his way of backing his preselected candidate for the seat of Warringah, Katherine Deves. Yes, she’s a transphobe who wants to ban trans women from competing in female sports. Yes, Morrison agrees with her wanting to do this.
Get fucked Scooter!
Scomo branded beer has caused a crash in Albo’s popularity already. Word is Albo’s been disposed of and liquidated. Labor’s changed leader to the Hawkie hologram, final touches before they show him off. pic.twitter.com/m8zYVfqOmN
— Matt (@_the_Cont_) April 11, 2022
God what the fuck. It truly is election season, binches.
Because Scooter loves the word “economy” more than an Italian loves penne, he’s decided to get the word plastered over a beer can. Using alcoholic beverages to promote your party? Only in Australia.
Yes, the beer cans read “Scomo’s strong economy”. I would love to pass on to the next life, please.
Who the fudge is Tudge?
Former education minister Alan Tudge was the name on everyone’s lips this morning.
He stood aside from his role in December 2021 during investigations into abuse allegations made against him.
Despite seeming to take the allegations very seriously when they came out, Scooter has confirmed that Tudge will make a “strong return as a cabinet minister.”
“He is technically a member of the cabinet as he has not resigned and he has not been stood down,” said Morrison during one of his many media interviews on Monday morning.
“He has been doing a great job in the education portfolio.”
Meanwhile, his former staffer who made the allegations, Rachelle Miller, will reportedly receive a $500k payout of taxpayer money as compensation. Poor timing? From the Morrison government? Well, I never.
As you can see this is obviously a bit fucked so for legal reasons, we won’t delve further into it.
Rehearsed Scripts from Liberal lips
Let’s have a goose AND a gander at what the Coalition has been up to since the election was called.
Scooter is currently in the seat of Gilmore (currently held by Labor MP Fiona Phillips), a stretch of NSW that goes from Kiama to Moruya. He’s specifically around Culburra Beach, where he gave a press conference at a factory. Very him.
During the press conference, he announced that $40 million will be spent on fixing up the roads in the Shoalhaven area. This is an area that was heavily affected by the bushfires as well as being a general mess of potholes and other problems. I would know, I drive those roads all the fkn time.
He also had a moment to speak with Perth’s 6PR Radio and ABC Radio, and told them both, as The Guardian pointed out, the same fkn thing.
Here’s what Scooter said to 6PR Radio:
“This election is about a choice.
“It’s a choice about the strong economic and financial management we have shown that got us through the worst health crisis in 100 years and the worst economic crisis going back 70 years going back to the Great Depression.
“That’s what this election is about: It’s not a popularity contest, it’s about an economic plan to keep Australia strong.”
And here’s what he said to ABC Radio:
“Well, this election is a choice.
“It’s a choice between a government that has demonstrated our strong economic and financial management skills through the worst crisis the country has seen since the second world war.
“Now that, and we have a clear and proven economic plan and to keep that going into the future to secure our future, now that’s a choice compared to the Labor party who people know can’t manage money.”
Lose the script you muppet.
Now let’s look at what Barnaby Joyce said on Seven News:
“Just like a football team, it is a team you are picking, not one person.”
Okay! Enough of that!!
Things are hard before they’re Albanese
Let’s check in on Labor.
Anthony Albanese (who we will be calling Elbow from here on out, no affectionate nicknames here) is currently in Tassie! He’s specifically in the Bass electorate which is held by Liberal MP Bridget Archer.
While Scooter announced money for roads, Elbow announced $6.5 million to support kids with hearing impairments. According to his plan, specialist centres will be built in Sydney’s south west, Hobart and Launceston. Explains the Tassie visit. Turns out he wasn’t just there to check out the shit-making machine at the MONA.
“We have a bold and ambitious agenda, but we have an agenda for the next term that compares to the government’s agenda,” he said during a press conference.
“It looks like that. A blank sheet of paper. They have nothing to say in their budget two weeks ago about Australia’s future. We have a plan.”
Okay king, tell us what your fkn plan is, please.
Elbow also made a dig at his opponent Scooter during the press conference. It was the messy binch shit we’ve been waiting for.
“One at a time, please. I’m not Scott Morrison, I don’t run away from press conferences!”
A sincere Alpology
During Elbow’s press tour in Tassie, a journo asked what could be considered a “gotcha” question, asking if he knew the cash and unemployment rates in Australia.
Elbow got the numbers wrong in his answer, but swiftly apologised for it later with the correct numbers.
He even had time to take another dig at Scooter while he was at it.
Brisbane Bandt aid
Let’s see what the Greens are up to.
Adam Bandt is up in Queensland HUSTLING. Moving in silence like the ‘g’ in lasagna. Putting in the work.
“The Greens are on the rise in Queensland because we’re tackling the climate crisis while supporting coal workers with a jobs and wages guarantee, as well as putting forward practical, costed plans to tackle cost of living pressures which is making the inequality crisis worse,” he said during a press conference.
“In balance of power again, the Greens will take climate action by stopping new coal and gas mines, getting dental and mental health into Medicare, fixing the housing affordability crisis and wiping student debt.
“We will fight the climate crisis by putting a pause on new coal and gas, rolling out manufacturing and energy jobs at a scale never before seen, and ensuring that all coal and gas workers have a job and wage guarantee.
“We can be a renewable energy superpower if we invest in renewables and accelerate the transition to green steel, new forms of mining and manufacturing the products we need.
“Billionaire coal and gas corporations are costing us billions in handouts. They export billions in profits tax free. They need to pay their fair share of tax.”
Also, the Greens have unfortunately made their foray into TikTok with some… big green fuckery.
Let’s examine the polls.
Much like me in the weeks after Mardi Gras, the polls have tightened right up.
According to the most recent set of polls conducted by the Australian Electoral Commission (AEC), Labor’s getting a lot more love than they did in 2019.
Key states in this poll to watch are Western Australia and Queensland, which increased the number of Labor primary votes in comparison to 2019 polling.
Western Australia went from 30 per cent in support of Labor to 43 per cent, while Queensland moved from 27 per cent to 31 per cent. Interesting stuff.
South Australia saw a big-ass drop in Liberal support, going from 41 per cent to 34 per cent. NSW saw a similar drop with support moving from 43 per cent to 36 per cent.
Lastly, Victoria pretty much evened itself out, with Labor receiving 36 per cent support and Liberal getting 32 per cent.