For better or worse, the 2022 Australian federal election is nearly here. As per usual with events of this magnitude, we’ve concocted the most diabolical election night drinking game imaginable to help you get through. Buckle up, binches — it’s time to party (read: cope with an extremely stressful night of vote-counting).

You will require:

  • A beverage of your choice (alcohol or non — this sesh doesn’t discriminate).
  • If you’ve chosen the alcoholic route, make sure the percentage isn’t too steep. The only seats we want toppling are Coalition ones.
  • A group of mates who will support you if you pass out, cry or chuck your guts up on the nature strip.
  • A broadcast of the vote count on a TV (remember those?) or a lappy.
  • A voice in the back of your head that says “don’t take it too far, mate”. We don’t wanna turn an already grim sitch into an even grimmer one.

Now we’ve got the election night logistics out of the way, let’s get crackin’ on the fun stuff!

Take a sip if:

  • One of the election night commentators describes the contest in any electorate as “tight”, “rigid” or “stiff”. Ew. Get your mind out of the gutter and into a thesaurus.
  • A commentator says the race is “too close to call”. It’s like, well — shush then???
  • The host mentions one of the disasters Scott Morrison either ran away from or didn’t take responsibility for. Floods, fires, vaccines, ministerial corruption and anti-trans cookery are all acceptable options.
  • There’s a mention of a hung parliament. After your sip, have a good giggle at the word “hung”.

Take a big sip if:

  • A political big-wig loses their seat. It’s giving Tony Abbot getting smashed in 2019. Oh, the joy!
  • The broadcast shows footage of a sausage sizzle. Bonus sip for clearly visible onions. ANOTHER bonus sip for tomato sauce. A further sip for an interview with someone holding a pair of tongs.
  • The stats analysis expert (Antony Green, Casey Briggs etc) gets too excited with their election night interactive display.
  • The stats analysis expert chucks up a graph that has absolutely no grounding in reality and is completely unnecessary. A graph like “sausage intake vs yearly income” or “level of enthusiasm in astrology vs likelihood to vote Greens”. Wait…
  • You forget you’re playing a drinking game and down a few extra sips as a coping mechanism.

Do a shot if:

  • One of the teal independents wins their race and boots out a grimy lib. Take a bonus sip if this is the most times you’ve heard the word “teal” outside of the Bunnings paints aisle.
  • One of the commentators (who also happens to be a politician) loses their seat live on air. Bonus sip if they cry.
  • Scott Morrison tackles another child at his election night party.
  • Anthony Albanese DJ’s at his own election night party.
  • Scott Morrison references his wife Jenny trying to sound like less of a weirdo but ends up being super jarring. Something along the lines of “it’s like my female wife Jenny who is a woman and is my wife always says — you win some you lose some”.

Pack your things, leave home, book the next flight to somewhere sunny (perhaps the Caribbean), set up a new life, forget about your old one, start work as a local snorkelling tour guide, see the fishies, bury the memories of your old life so deeply that they’ll never resurface, put your wetsuit out to dry, grab another drink to accompany the sunset if:

  • Scott Morrison wins again.

May the odds be ever in your favour this election night.

It’s probably going to be a hellish ride so keep your head held high and your drink held higher.

Image: Albanese Photo by Brook Mitchell/Getty Images - Morrison Photo by Tracey Nearmy/Getty Images