Tonight is the night. The X-Factor Australia Grand Final for 2012 is here at last. It’s down to three: The Collective representing Team Ronan, Samantha Jade representing a “firm relationship” with Team Guy and Jason for Team Mel B. Tonight will also feature guest appearances by Owl City and One Direction ZOMG and BOYZ II MEN OMG WEIRD OLD CRAZY AMAZING R&B LET’S GET FREAKAY FETCH ME A DRINK IMMEDIATELY WTF YEW.
Dog gone it, let’s finish this thing.
7:33pm: The show is starting with a weird pre-recorded black and white video clip featuring all the finalists staring intensely at each other on a rotating platform. #Meaningful.
Suddenly the show has cut to ‘present day’ where a group of extras from the “Rhythm Is A Dancer” video clip perform angular dance moves and the finalists are slowly suspended from steel cages onto the stage. This tackorama mess is everything I hoped for and more!
7:37pm: Luke Jacobz introduces all the judges, and I’m pleased to say that Mel B‘s breasts are out in force tonight! She and her cleavage have been poured into a silver silk formal gown. Guy Sebastian is wearing an all red ensemble that I need to get a better look at before I can figure out the extent to which his outfit was inspired by Poppa Smurf.
7:43pm: I wonder how much screen time they will dedicate to superflous recaps tonight?
7:48pm: Guys, I have a feeling that tonight will have an incomprehensible amount of commercial breaks, so I may be forced to live blog a few of them just to keep the momentum going. By the way: how is everyone tonight? Feeling good?
7:50pm: Okay the first performance tonight is by “guest star” Owl City who sings that song that is in the “Beauty And The Geek” ad and sounds like a bad vocal ripoff of the Postal Service. Exciting times on stage as the ousted members from the Top 12 return to “join the party”. I’d forgotten how intriguingly cartoonish Carmello was…
7:54pm: Owl City tells Luke Jacobz his favourite part about Australia is the food. He has a completely unidentifiable accent. Please educate me where this guy is from in the comment section. I’ll be right back after pouring a red wine.
8:00pm: Recap time! They are showing all the “unforgettable moments” from the series, such as Ronan‘s fist pump on the judges desk when Bella sang “Skinny Love”. Mel B says “yeh knoh, ah think thah Rohnin’s still got eh… in a strayng Irish kind of weh.” Mel B and her accent and loose comments have been a highlight for me.
8:03pm: Mel B also says some mental shit. Like “The Collective’s betteh than One Direction ah think.” Oh bitch, you crazy. There’s no Liam in The Collective. Amirite!?!?
8:06pm: Coming up next is Boyz II Men. Once when I was at university I worked for a friend’s catering company and we catered backstage at a Boyz II Men show and one of their roadies (or maybe they would be referred to as “entourage” in R&B?) asked if I could help him score some weed. True fact.
8:12pm: It’s time for Boyz II Men! PLEASE let them do “End Of The Road”. If they do a new song I’m out of here.
8:13pm: IT IS “END OF THE ROAD”!! But the final three are singing the first part. It’s harshing my BIIM buzz something fierce.
But then they appear on stage, walking in unison, wearing matching waistcoats and sneakers (a look I like to call urban-tailored). There is only three of them though… Where is the other guy? Is he the one who did the bass line on the vocals? DM me if you want to discuss it further.
8:20pm: Twitter has informed me that the deep-voice Boyz II Men guy hasn’t been part of the group for 10 years. Good to know/I don’t really care.
8:22pm: There is a preview for The Hobbit on in the ad break. I think it looks good, except I can’t stand that part where the hobbits stand around in The Shire singing a cringey tradition Hobbit folk song like a bunch of dicks. Still, can’t wait to see it!
8:24pm: Alright you guys the time is now: all the contestants are out on stage and someone is going home. Luke says “as always these results are in no particular order”. And the first person he announces to STAY in the competition is…
JASON OWEN!!!!
Mel B leaps into the air enthusiastically like a chimney sweep in the film Mary Poppins.
8:26pm: The next act to go through is SAMANTHA JADE which means that The Collective has been voted off. Ooooh. My friend Katie totally saw this coming! She said “Sammy deserves to win because she’s the best, but Jason is such a sweet idiot it’s cool if he wins too.” So true.
The Collective are crying. Bless. They will probably have some kind of Johnny Ruffo-like career in the pipeline, so don’t stress if you’re a big fan.
8:33pm: Nat quite astutely reminds the lads in The Collective that One Direction didn’t win The X Factor either, so this doesn’t mean “the journey is over” (squee ugh entire-body cringe) for them at all.
8:40pm: Now it is time for One Direction to sing a pre-recorded version of their song “Little Things”. Alrighty. The little blond one might be my favourite. I know his name is Niall:
8:49pm: Luke just interviewed Sammy’s parents in the audience and her mother is super hot, in a Stiffler’s Mom x Olivia Newton John kind of way. MILF alert.
8:51pm: Sammy is singing again?! I didn’t know this was happening tonight. She’s doing “Scream” by Usher, which she has previously sung in a live show. I’m not a fan of her boring red shirt and bustier combination. It’s like what a singing Valentine-o-gram would wear when they sing “At Last” in the doorway to your office. Also: I would like someone to order that Valentine-o-gram for me sometime soon.
8:55pm: All the judges give Sammy loads of kudos for being a superstar etc. Now I’m guessing we will next be subjected to another performance from Jason doing one of the songs he’s already done. Sorry if I seem bitter, but it would have been nice if they could have bothered to learn a new song for tonight. Like power ballads for all?
9:02pm: Jason’s parents Neville and Patty are a delight. His mum describes him as “a miracle” and mentions that he “grew up with The Wiggles” (shout out to The Wiggles!) and couldn’t be more proud. Aw.
9:04pm: Jason’s mum says “any time [Mel B] wants to come by for a rissole, she’s more than welcome”. I might weep for the first time while watching these people.
9:05pm: Jason takes to the stage singing “Dancing In The Dark” by Bruce Springsteen, one of my favourite karaoke songs of all time. Jase is wearing a grey jacket with black leather sleeves. Also, a brooch that seems to be the silhouette of a dog howling at the moon. What do you even say about that?
9:15pm: Recap of Jason’s time on the show. Mel B describes him as one of the best people she’s ever met. Jason says it has been by far the best experience of his life. Aw!
9:19pm: Now it’s time for a recap about Sammy’s time on the show. The footage of Guy crying during her first audition gets shown for the 28th time. There’s also footage of that time Guy’s group went to sing before Alicia Keys, who was as chic as sin. Sammy tells Luke she is overwhelmed and shocked to be here. Own it gurl!
9:24pm: Next we’re going to find out who has won. FINALLY!…
… But first we need to watch a ‘sneak peek’ at the new season of My Kitchen Rules. It looks painful. Will be a hit for sure.
9:31pm: Luke Jacobz just said “it’s decision time” so hopefully it IS decision time. Sammy and Guy and Jason and Mel B are all on stage, and I honestly have no idea who is going to win.
9:32pm: Luke opens the envelope to announce the winner. And it is…
SAMANTHA JADE
Cue confetti cannon and screams! Mel B seems near tears and says to make it to the top 2 is amazing. Jason says “I couldn’t be happier to see Sam win”, always positive like Ned Flanders. Sammy says “thank you SO much for believing in me!” like a good future pop star.
9:35pm: Dudes, I am OUT. Thank you for tuning in with me (and my excellent stand-ins Nick and Tom) over the past several weeks. Let’s all go back to having a life again. Good night all!
