If You Order These Juice Combos, You’re A Chaotic Maniac

Fresh juice is delicious. It makes you feel like a newborn again. Like your skin is being replenished by tiny little vitamin C men, who go and put new cells in there so you look cheruby and wholesome, like you grew up on a farm with direct sunlight and fresh air.

[jwplayer ZcA6SNov]

It makes you feel like those 50 litres of vodka you consumed on Friday night have been eradicated from your system. Like the tar from any cigarette you ever smoked has miraculously disappeared from your lungs. Like you could beat Usain Bolt, even on a hangover.

All of this is untrue, obviously. In fact, I think juice is fundamentally bad for you? I swear I watched some form of scary Michael Moore doco or like an anti-sugar thing called something along the lines of SugarTown, Population Evil or whatever, that showed a cute little drawing (I am still 5 years old in my brain, and can only understand complicated things via fun drawings) of someone drinking juice, and it just TURNED INTO SUGAR. SUGAR EVERYWHERE. IN THEIR STOMACH.

Who cares though! I regularly eat McDonalds Big Mac meals as snacks! I clearly don’t. Anyway, whether juice is good for you or not is besides the point. The point is, there are yummy juices, and then there are FOULTOWN JUICES THAT HAVE COME DIRECTLY FROM THE HELLMOUTH ITSELF.

If you order one of these, may God have mercy on your soul.


What absolute MANIAC can ingest green juice without a sweet element, I ask you. You are drinking glorified grass water. Do you realise that? You may as well pick some grass, blend it, and drink that. It will be a lot cheaper and also less sad for you.


These are, quite literally, the most boring vegetables on Earth – and you’ve combined them into a juice. Are you okay? Do you need to talk? Because this is not good. Celery is also not even worthy of being called a vegetable to be honest, it looks like a depressing green version of Sideshow Bob and it tastes like water.


Moving away from the veggies – HI HELLO, THIS IS TOO SWEET. This is what people who will eventually become addicted to crack drink. It’s the gateway juice to hard drugs. It is far too sweet for anyone to consume, and frankly they should make this juice combination illegal. It’s probably influencing the kids into other forms of reckless food behaviour. Next, they’ll be eating those 100% fat Bacon and Cheese meat pies from the servo, you know? The ones literally no-one eats unless they have a cholesterol-related death wish.


WATERMELON IS NOT REAL. It is the stupidest fruit of all fruits. It’s not even LYING to us – it is literally called WATERmelon, you guys. Watermelon sits there and laughs at us when we eat it, saying “haha! I am but PINK WATER, and you paid actual money for me! Plus, I have pips! So you are eating pink water and also having to deal with tiny black nightmare seeds you stupid morons!” When we DRINK watermelon, it doesn’t even laugh. It cries over our stupidity.


Anyone who adds ginger to their drink is a sadist. You enjoy making your life hell, clearly. Ginger is a flavour from the devil himself – it looks like a dinosaur poo, and it tastes like what I imagine a dinosaur poo would taste like. It ruins everything it comes in contact with, destroying other flavours to take charge and then destroy your mouth.


I know you are sitting there thinking no one would ever order this, but I genuinely found this on a detox juices list and just… why do some people insist on making their lives a 1/10? Why? Why would you put pineapple, which I DO enjoy, and then adding the worst thing in the world to it? This combination is like dating someone, and they seem perfect. That’s the pineapple. Then, after you’ve hooked up, they tell you they think your boobs are okay but they know a really good surgeon who could fix your nips up, real good. You know what I’m saying? The kale is the bit where you find out the person you are dating IS A PSYCHOPATH.

Also as a side note, if you put parsley – EVER – in any juice, I want to tell you this – parsley is actually just a weed and I’ll never believe anything otherwise.