I’ve never understood people who throw full birthday weeks. Unless you’re doing one of those birthday sales that gives me, a customer, money off a product to celebrate your birthday, then fine. If you’re someone who needs seven days to congratulate yourself on one year closer to arthritis and the loss of bodily functions, count me out.
To recap: birthdays that are done right include the time my parents got me a piñata that coincidentally only cracked open once I had a swing, and my friend’s 21st that entailed copious amounts of free alcohol at the expense of who knows.
Birthdays that are done wrong include, well, just take a read. It’s equal parts hilarious, cringe and straight-up depresso martini.
1. The Sandals
“When I was in Year 8 I was thrown a surprise party that I thought was just a movie night at my best friend’s house. I was wearing these fuggo sandals I only wore around people I was comfortable with, so when I walked in and saw everyone standing there, I panicked and immediately ran back outside because I didn’t want anyone to see my sandals.” – Louie
2. The Cat-Astrophe
“For my 21st birthday, I invited some pals to join me for a cat-themed outdoor cinema event – a full evening of internet cat videos (still groundbreaking at the time, I swear). However, as soon as the vids started rolling, the temp dropped to antarctic levels, and a storm swiftly brewed, sending picnic blankets flying. On-screen feline antics and hisses quickly became the unnerving orchestral score for our panicked escape through a sea of fellow cat-ear-donning attendees and, needless to say, it was a cat-astrophe.” – Mina
3. The Neglectful Parent
“Last year my dad, my only living relative, forgot. I finally got worried at 7pm at night so called him and he was at the pub playing darts. I asked him what day it was and he said ‘It’s uh…it’s the….IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!?’ I got a new phone out of it, he felt really bad.” – Erin
4. The Blackout
“Took a random guy home on my birthday a few years ago, and your girl she was inebriated. Drunk as a skunk. So much so that I brushed my teeth, I completely blacked out and went to sleep in my bed, completely forgetting about the guy and the d*ck appointment I had made that night despite the fact that he was literally next to me. I had the fright of my life when he woke me up asking me where the bathroom was. I tried to play it cool – wasn’t really working. He was really sweet though and took me out to the awkwardest birthday breakfast of my life. I never saw him again after that.” – Jess
5. The Schoolyard Pummelling
“Mine was like my 14th birthday, which fell on a school day that year. During lunch, one of the dudes in my year announced that it was my birthday, which resulted in most of the blokes nearby pummeling me with so many birthday punches I cried and had a dead arm all day. One of my teachers noticed I had been crying and pulled me out of class to ask why and as I told him what happened, two other teachers walking by overheard and stopped to console me as the whole class watched. I was so embarrassed and sore.” – Matt
6. The Clash
“On my 18th Birthday, I invited all my friends and a wider group of people from my school, as it was the first time I’d found myself with enough social currency to warrant such confidence. Anyway, it clashed with a more popular girl’s birthday, so nobody except my 2 mates rocked up. They didn’t drink, left at 9 to go to the other girls birthday, and I got drunk with my parents and was watching Planet Terror in bed by 9:30pm.” – Adrian
7. The 2020 Special
“I turned 30 in the middle of a global pandemic.” – Flick
These all just prove my point that birthdays are the devil. I vote we cancel our own birthdays for the next year and just spend the money we save on buying other people stupid presents and treat ourselves to, oh, I dunno, a brand new mattress that’s 15% off?
See what I did there? Seamless product placement.
But no seriously, the Koala mattresses are all time. I did the maths and with the money you save on a year’s worth of presents, you could easily sort yourself out with what I can only imagine is the same bedding they use in heaven.
The VIP section, not the part of heaven where every Joe Blow who hasn’t committed murder ends up.
