Before we get to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival competition (Ten double passes to three shows to give away? Yes pls), sit down and listen to me lecture you about texting and walking. The TAC is having to work overtime ensuring us footsloggers aren’t getting into all sorts of trouble, so best do our part for the community too.
Whenever you find yourself straying off the footpath and into a pole, just remember Heads Up, Phones Down. It’s kind of like that game you played in primary school, Heads Down, Thumbs Up, where you’d spiral into a pit of despair and self-loathing if your crush never touched your thumb. Primary school was really hard.
Now look, I’m no angel either. I think we’ve all been guilty of texting an essay to a friend about the abysmal second season of Riverdale, all the while cutting off pedestrians as we fail to walk in a straight line.
However, there’s a big difference between pissing off your pavement buddies and walking straight onto the road at the risk of causing a four-car pile-up.
To combat the growing number of texting-related incidents and footpath etiquette, TAC is pulling out all the stops this MICF season and setting up some fun installations to help you become hyper-aware of your surroundings.
No one wants to miss out on the chance to heckle their nervous friend while they have their first go at stand-up, only to take it too far and cause them to run off the stage crying. If anything, we want you to get to the shows even earlier than necessary, so you have time to prepare some wicked heckling material that really throws your friends off.
Stationed at different intersections, there will be loveable Lollipop People that we grew up with as kids (probably not the exact same ones we grew up with as kids, they were quite old even back in the day), to ensure you get to your shows on time and accident-free.
There will also be live Green Men, dressed to impress and ready to jump into action. They’re like superheroes but with none of the “I’m so broody and dark” attitude that certain other superheroes can’t seem to shake. Looking at you, Batman. Lighten up.
It can also be a blessing in disguise to be a little warier of texting and walking. Say you happen to be walking to meet the love of your life and it’s only the second date, it’s still so fresh and your date is most likely still a flight risk. If you waste all your good ammo while you’re texting, you’ll run out of things to say halfway through the date and the love of your life will be climbing out the toilet window in five seconds flat. Just something to think about.
It’s also wise to note that comedy god Jimeoin is a firm believer in pedestrian safety, so, if you really don’t want to listen to me and you hate me just a little, at least listen to Jimeoin.
Okay, so now on to the comedy festival. If you like to laugh as much as yours truly, as is evident by the condescending lecture above about safety, you can nab one of ten double passes to three comedy shows at Trades Hall, with access to the Meeting Room, Archive Room and Music Room. Oh yes, it’s all happening.
If you go between Thursday and Sunday and should your date end up climbing out the window (fingers crossed it all goes smoothly but you know, gotta weigh up those options), duck into the Zebra Lounge for a commiseration bev. The best type of bev, just quietly.
All you have to do is tell us your best joke and the tickets could be burning a hole in your pocket!
If you’re lacking a bit of inspiration, steal a joke from your mate. He’ll never know, and if you win you can take him to the comedy show as a repayment.
Give it your best crack below!