In my attempts to stop being a judgemental, superficial bitch and realise it’s what’s on the inside that counts, I’ve watched Disney‘s Beauty & The Beast more times than I care to admit. In my attempts to… yeah, for no apparent reason at all, I’ve also watched a fuckton of The Bachelor.
They’re both obsessions that have been reprised with a) the release of Disney’s live version of its 90s classic and b) the Daily Mail’s superb reporting on Matty J’s fucked-up good, ovary-exploding shenanigans on Bondi Beach.
The constant chit chat can make one start pondering the similarities between the two, which is what has so tragically happened to me. Sleeping sound was no longer an option with this pressing question replaying in my head: Is The Bachelor just Beauty & The Beast with 20+ Belles?
Hear me out.
THEY LIVE IT UP IN FUCK-OFF MANSIONS
Goodbye dull lives, hello fancy lifestyle. I mean, come on, as if luxury doesn’t help along the love thing (we’ve all been partial to a sugar daddy / mummy fantasy at some point, right?).
And after that it was all, libraries and oversized living rooms and staircases winding more times than a popped ingrown anyway, which is an unrealistic, strong expectation in every season of The Bachelor I’ve ever watched.
THEY BOND OVER EXTRAVAGANCE
Don’t even get me started on the extravagant dates. Whether it’s Channel 10‘s chocolate baths and Camilla dresses or Disney’s lush dinners, snow fights and slow dances, they’re all just a safety net in ensuring both Beast and Bachie aren’t left alone and stranded at the end of all their hard work.
Make ’em love you real good, then fuck ’em up real good – Blake Garvey-style if you must.
THEY WANT MORE
Belle thinks she’s better than her batshit-boring, “poor provincial town” and the frothed-over roided bloke chasing her. She wants more. Similarly, the contestants on The Bachelor are also clearly over their mundane 9-5 lives and solid sevens lining up to date them back home. They want more Insta followers, and, you know, invites to the Portsea Polo. Oh, and if you’re anything like Sam Wood‘s Heather Maltman, your aspiring acting career will turn into a fully fledged presenter gig off the back of it – just as Belle went from bookworm to princess.
THEY HAVE KEY MANIPULATORS
It’s not like they’re just falling in love and on the big bad D on their own – they’ve got producers (or talking teacups and candlesticks) to get it their diamond-encrusted ears. And just like your mates who would rather you be single so you can continue hanging out with them, both these “support groups” have agendas, convincing the poor girl/s that the suitor’s A+ because either a) they wanna break the curse and become human again or b) they wanna smash those television ratings. We’ve all seen UnReal – we know how it works. What’s love got to do with it?
While we’re on the subject, both their “support groups” help them look daft in shitty clothes – whether it’s a yellow ball gown so pouffy and downright fugly that I wouldn’t have even worn that shit to my year 10 formal or a hand-me-down gold dress that’s made it through three seasons of The Bachelor, there really is no excuse for that shit, although they’ll have you believe their reasons are to do with princess ideals and budget limitations.
THEY HAVE A TIME LIMIT
Speaking of limitations, they’ve both got time limits forcing them to realise feelings that they may or may not have. For Bachie constestants it’s roughly 12 weeks, seven group dates and two one-on-one’s – pressure that’s been very real for the likes of Richie Strahan‘s Olena and Georgia Love‘s Courtney. For Belle? ‘Til the last rose petal falls.
THEY’RE ALL COOPED UP UP
Isn’t it possible to fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them, you’re separated from the outside world (family, friends, social media) and, you know, there’s no one better to choose from?
Sure, Belle wasn’t really given the option at the beginning of her story, so FINE let’s address the elephant in the room: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.
It’s only a discussion that’s being had 25 years too late (kinda like the preservation of The Great Barrier Reef), and one that Emma Watson – who by now you know is Belle in the live adaptation on the Disney classic – has shot down completely.
“Stockholm syndrome is where a prisoner will take on the characteristics of, and fall in love with, in this really strange way, their captor. Belle actively argues and disagrees with [the Beast] constantly. She has none of the characteristics of someone with Stockholm syndrome. Because she keeps her independence. She keeps her independence of mind,” she told People.
She makes a point. Belle chooses to return to the mega mansion by choice after the Beast saves her from the wild wolf pack (and like, same tbh).
Both relationships, whether in a French enchanted castle (where somehow everyone has an American accent) or a bachie mansion, have an evil prick of a dictator otherwise known as the rose. Let’s be straight-up here: both concepts centre themselves around it. Case and point.
Well, almost.
What I’m trying to say here is that humans have needs, and whether it’s their heart or genitalia that’s lonely, these needs need to be met by whoever’s at your disposal. And look, for Belle, Beast was the second best option to the candlestick and for The Bachie, well, Osher‘s taken now isn’t he? Isn’t this why people bang their roommates?
All that’s missing is a shameless Colgate plug.
