In our lifetimes, we’ve been blessed with three iterations of Spider-Man — and that’s just the live-action stuff! I’d lose count of all the fellas rocking tights if we included the animations.
With such a range of Spider-Men swinging around, there is naturally only one thing for us to do — watch every movie and decide which human spider we’d have a crush on if we were MJ. Forget performances, we’re looking for that je ne sais quoi that gets our Spidey senses tingling. Tough day at the office!
With great power comes great responsibility, so to make this investigation more democratic, I grilled my team on which Spider-Man does it for them. And honestly, there’s something about this character, every MJ has fallen in love with their Spider-Man IRL.
But before we get into those big kahunas, we’ve gotta dole out a few special mentions. Even though we love a bad boy, we’re not ranking Spidey villains, today. But if we were, mega-hunk Willem DaFoe in the OG 2002 Spider-Man would absolutely take the cake.
The same goes for animated versions (don’t pretend Aladdin wasn’t your first crush). Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse may not qualify for this investigation but past-his-prime, Peter B. Parker voiced by Jake Johnson was a bonafide babe. Tell us what to do instead of Miles Moralis next time, Petey B.
Now, onto the real contenders…
3. Tom Holland
Even though we’re celebrating short kings this year, in this competition, young Tom Holland still falls short. He had one (1) whole stan in the team.
With that ballet background, he was born to leap between buildings, but when it comes to getting our hearts racing? Tom gave us ‘little brother energy’ – sweet, eager-to-please, but not what this investigation was about.
Go watch Spider-Man: Homecoming and see for yourself. Although clearly he’s doing something right because Zendaya is on board!
2. Tobey Maguire
Despite him racking up a few votes, I must admit, I didn’t get the Tobey Maguire hype at first. Turns out, I just needed to refresh my memory because it’s been a while since I’ve seen Tobey shoot his web.
We love a man who expresses emotion and boy, oh boy, did emo Spider-man supply that in spades in Spider-Man 3. Also, in 2007, anyone attracted to men fell victim to this heinous Pete Wentz haircut below. Tobey’s Peter rocked it and clearly, the nostalgia for it still sucks us all in.
We also have the OG Peter Parker to thank for the iconic upside-down kiss. You better believe that rainy kiss fantasy can actually be traced back to Peter and MJ.
Oh, and those hips don’t lie…
1. Andrew Garfield
Ah, the ‘amazing’ in the Andrew Garfield version, The Amazing Spider-Man, finally makes sense. In our team, he took out ‘hottest Spidey’ by a landslide.
A mainstay in TikTok’s favourite white boys of the month, Andrew is tall, dark and handsome. His fake nerd glasses weren’t fooling anyone but, if anything, added to the the whole slightly awkward hot guy vibe that we can’t get enough of. Bring back the Amazing Spider-Man!
Case closed.
At the end of the day, let’s be real, we’d date any last one of them. But watch each of the fellas fling webs on Disney+ this weekend and you’ll know in your heart that we’re right.
