Tom Cruise turns 50 today, a major milestone that he will experience alone (in the biblical sense) now that his divorce is imminent. We don’t know what went wrong with the TomKat union: she was a classic and submissive beauty whose waning post-Dawson’s career left her badly in need of a profile boost, he an aging heartthrob turned L. Ron Hubbard devotee looking for weird love.
We don’t know precisely what triggered the end of the marriage but as Reverend Mother always says, when the Lord closes a door somewhere he opens a window. For Tom Cruise this divorce is just the beginning of a new chapter in what Dolly Magazine might refer to as lurve.
A Hollywood power broker like Tom can look forward to the romantic prospects of tomorrow, specifically a classicallu beautifully and spiritually malleable up-and-coming actress in need of high profile connects and a willingness to wear flats. Here are our picks of potential contenders to step into the role of Suri’s step-mum…
GINNIFER GOODWIN She’s demure, ladylike and low profile enough to warrant a marriage of convenience for career sake. If she’s anything like the Stage 5 Clinger she played in He’s Just Not That Into You Tom’s fondness for control will provide a fine complement. On the downside, she was raised Jewish and Tom might not be happy with Suri’s study of Dianetics being interrupted with a bat mitzvah.
AMANDA SEYFRIED Born around the same time that Tom was playing hot for teacher in Top Gun, Seyfried might embody the appeal Katie did by serving as a reminder of his cinematic glory years. Amanda is a polite, uncontroversial red carpet presence who always looks very pretty – like Tom’s former squeezes Katie and Nicole Kidman. She has been serially linked to handsome dudes like Ryan Phillipe, James Franco and Josh Hartnett, but despite that she still hasn’t made a major dent as hot Hollywood tender. Compared to Seyfried’s aforementioned boyfriends Tom might be a downgrade in the looks department, but his Hollywood cachet is second to none.
JADA PINKETT SMITH Now hear us out. At 40 her age might pose a problem for Tom’s Peter Pan relationship complex, but Jada’s obvious benefit as a partner is that she’s already a Scientologist so the hard part – auditing and spiritual goals and stuff – is over. Plus, she and current husband Will Smith have been outspoken about the fact they have an open relationship. Maybe the three of them could get weird? We tremble to think what kind of madness that Scientology Power Trio could wield with their thetan self-help systems combined. Not to mention the kind of threat the combination of photogenic spawn Willow Smith, Jaden and Suri could pose to the universe…
SHENAE GRIMES Who? Exactly! She made her only vaguely familiar name playing an innocent small town girl in the Beverley Hills 90210 remake. Remind you of anyone!??! Her never-was career is on the skids so she needs this marriage more than any other contender. Substantiating her shot at the title is the fact that she was born in 1989, making her exactly 11 years younger than Katie, who was 11 years younger than Nicole Kidman, who was 11 years younger than Tom’s first wife Mimi Rogers. Coincidence? Maybe. But then it seems like the kind of whack numerical measures that Scientologists seem to be about.
KRISTEN STEWART Her current boyfriend is famous for playing a vampire and Tom Cruise once played a vampire in Interview With The Vampire!!! Weird right! Kirsten Stewart also insists on looking like a bummed out sourpuss when she’s in public on the arm of an insanely handsome man promoting a movie she just made millions of dollars from. Frankly she deserves to be punished.
Any other suggestions for potential wives? Weigh in at the comment section. We’ll sign off here with a song dedication for Katie Holmes. Stay strong girl.
Images by Stephen Lovekin, Michael Tran, Mike Coppola, Valery Hache, Christopher Polk and Loic Venance for Getty Images.