‘What Even Are Willow and Jaden Smith?’ And Other Questions Raised By Their Crazy Teen Profile

Remember when you were an insufferable adolescent who read ancient texts (“things that can’t be pre-dated“) and made mixtapes inspired by the melancholiness of the ocean (“the melancholiness of everything else“) and the feeling of being, like, a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made? 

Remember how that felt? 
Cool, well famous infants Jaden Smith, 16, and Willow Smith, 14, are totally biting down on your pre-adolescent ennui by channelling all their signature mystic psycho babble into the most bizarre profile you’ve ever read in the New York Times’ T Magazine. Or anywhere else for that matter.
It’s a good thing neither of them believes in formal education (“Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends“) because not only does it mean that they don’t have to endure paltry tween concerns that wouldn’t have bothered you in the least – like the logistics of sleepovers or being falsely accused of liking someone, ick – but also because it means their peers won’t torture them mercilessly tomorrow for saying things that wouldn’t sound out of place in the first draft of Interstellar. 
Things like:
“I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.” 
“When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities.” 
“It’s prana energy because [babies] still breathe through their stomach. They remember. Babies remember.”
Teens, right? Crazy. Always going to places with their high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras, so they can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” 
Teens: always devouring quantum physics textbooks before moving onto books written by radical Indian sex gurus who allegedly committed the first and largest Stateside biological and chemical terror attacks on their on communes using salmonella. 
Always climbing as many mountains as they can possibly climb. All the while, their voices sounding like chocolate together.
It’s cute that they’re friends, I guess. You should really read the full profile in this month’s issue of T Magazine, though don’t go into it looking for answers. They’re already inside you. You already know.
Photo by Larry Busacca/Getty Images