Weekly Recap: The Celebrity Apprentice

As you may recall, last week on The Celebrity Apprentice saw Deni Hines and Wendell Sailor get eliminated, which, when you look at the cold, hard fact of it, seems kind of racist. Relax! I’m not saying it IS racist. I’m not even saying that Channel 9 would ever air material that could be interpreted by some people as racist even though it probably has more to do with a certain insensitivity to the minefield that is race relations among production staff than actual racial intolerance. It just wouldn’t happen. I guess I just wanted a snappy way to open this recap. The important thing is that Deni Hines is gone now, PHEW, what a nightmare. I hope you’re keeping busy, Deni Hines! Fingers crossed for a 2012 Rockmelons reunion!

But the fact is that as one monarch falls, another shall rise to take his or her place, so they can pretty much re-title this week of The Celebrity Apprentice “The Obnoxious Creep You Didn’t Even Know You Hated Yet” (jk, they should call the whole series that). Can’t wait to find out who is the new Worst Person!

Obviously, the worst person is not Warwick Capper. He’s not even a person, probably, just the chemical reaction when you fuse atoms of cocaine and eyeliner together, but it is very exciting to have him back, because he is definitely the best thing that has happened to this show! He’s replacing Lisa Curry on Team Ignite because she has prior commitments, or something. Whatever. This is great. This is like if you were eating a fruit salad with a friend and your friend was like “Yo I have too many strawberries lemme swap one for a piece of your rockmelon.” Just like that! Why is there always so much rockmelon!

The challenge for the two teams is to put on a fashion show inspired by Grazia magazine. Grazia editor Kellie Hush informs them that they must have a Spring theme, and they have to pick all of the clothes and props themselves and also two people out of each team must model on the catwalk. Team Unity choose Jason Coleman as their project manager. Team Ignite choose Pauline Hanson, but it quickly becomes very clear that this is not enough for Pauline Hanson. She wants to be a model as well! So she and Warwick Capper will be the models and not Jesinta Campbell! Haha, naturally. Grazia magazine: it’s all about old people trying to be funny. Nailing the brief already.

The teams each divide into two sub-groups. Jason Coleman and Max Markson go shopping for clothes for Team Unity while Shane Crawford and Didier Cohen pick models for their show. They’re in the same casting session as Pauline Hanson and Warwick Capper, who has definitely had a boner for Didier since the first episode and gets VERY sassy with him. Meanwhile, Jesinta and Julia Morris are shopping for clothes, but they are not as entertaining as Jason Coleman, who is definitely being flouncier than usual, and Max Markson, who is just carrying all of Jason’s bags around and looking like a very skinny St Bernard.

They all end up back at the place for a rehearsal. Pauline is still just fixated on what she’s going to wear and getting her hair and make-up done. Didier is high on modelling. (Quote: “I’m team leader of the models. I’m like the model president!”) Jason gets mad at him for flirting too much. Actually, Jason just gets mad a lot? There are definite douche vibes streaming off Jason. We are gonna have to keep an eye on Jason.

Team Ignite are first up. The judging panel is a bunch of Grazia editors, plus Shelly Horton. EXCUSE ME: The Shelly Horton. (“The Shelly” for short.) Author of the Sun-Herald’s “So Sydney” column! Haha. I literally CAN NOT WAIT to see what creative ways Shelly Horton will find to be awful.

Jesinta is the MC for Team Ignite, and she is terrible. Dead air and feedback. Great job! Eventually, people start modelling stuff, and it seems OK, I guess? It all looks like fashion to me. Pauline Hanson is gross:

Warwick Capper is gross too, but I guess gross is kind of his “thing”?

OBVIOUSLY, as a major fashionista, Shelly Horton has some thoughts on Warwick Capper! “Warwick Capper creeps me out. It’s like, awkward dot com!” Thank you for this gift, Shelly. You are perfect.

Team Unity go next. Shane Crawford and Didier are modelling for them, and as you would expect, there are some very hilarious faces pulled:

Cool work, Shane Crawford. There is a bunch more fashion. Didier accidentally walks offstage too soon and it is a big problem for everyone.

Finally, they all go back to the boardroom. As is customary, before announcing which team won, Mr Bouris allows all of the celebrities to tear each other apart a little bit. Pauline says Jesinta was the weakest link on Team Ignite, even though all she did was worry about how she looked. Julia and Jesinta were very frustrated with Pauline because of that! Jason says Max was the worst on Team Unity. He also calls Mr Bouris “sir” a bunch of times, like a slimy little jerk, and reiterates the fact that he has put 464 shows on this year, way more than is necessary? Ugh. I am definitely sensing that Jason Coleman is the new Deni Hines.

Unfortunately, all of the squabbling has to come to an end (for one team). Mr Bouris announces that Kellie Hush from Grazia liked Team Ignite’s show the best, so they win $20,000 for Pauline Hanson’s charity.

After Team Ignite leave, Jason has like a million excuses for why their team lost. No exaggeration! One million, exactly. And each time he says a new one, he adds “Mr Bouris” to the start or the end! Mr Bouris, we lost because our show was too glamourous for Grazia! The clothes were wrong because I only have “limited understanding” of women’s fashion, Mr Bouris! Mr Bouris, I couldn’t ask Didier, the model, because Didier was doing something else! Didier messed up on the catwalk because he didn’t listen to me, Mr Bouris! You get the idea. Clearly, everything is someone else’s fault. This dude is definitely giving off the vibe that he is a totally nasty, vindictive person? If I can make an informed judgement of someone else’s character – and I think I can, having watched this garbage show for two and a half weeks – this guy is basically a wheedling, manipulative Dickensian villain who has thus far managed to hide his true colours. It sickens me to think that maybe Deni Hines wasn’t the worst all along? Ugh. Sorry. Let’s not play the blame game. I’m sorry. Jason Coleman: the new worst.

Actually, Max Markson puts a sincere effort into claiming the title of Worst when he says that Didier should be fired because he is a “self-confessed cocaine addict”, which is kind of a harsh thing to pin on someone who has talked about their former addiction in the context of wanting to turn their life around.

Ultimately, Mr Bouris announces that there will be a double elimination! Even though Jason did all the things that made their team lose, Mr Bouris decides to fire Didier and Max because they “chose not to be game changers.” Dang. I guess we’re stuck with the worst guy a little bit longer.

On the way out, Didier says Max was like a “sad rat trying to scrape out a snake before he’s eaten,” and I feel very sorry for the guy for being humiliated on national television, but that is just a great sentence.

The next challenge for the two teams is to create “living billboards” (definitely a thing, I’m sure. “What should we go with for our next campaign?” “A living billboard, DUH” – two advertising executives.) for P&O Cruises. Lisa Curry has returned, disappointingly, and she joins Team Unity, where she is voted project manage because she used to be a brand ambassador for P&O. Julia Morris is the PM for Team Ignite and is unreasonably excited about getting to “use” her “comedy”?

After they decide all of this stuff they get in some cars and drive somewhere, but oops, Lisa Curry gets a phone call and just leaves. Just straight up exits the vehicle and leaves without an explanation! Cool.

The teams are working on their strategies. Pauline Hanson feels that she is a major expert at cruises because she has been on three cruises herself, and then goes on to explain that people on cruises want restaurants, because “as a woman”, she doesn’t want to cook more. Wha? There is also a confusing thing where Julia Morris is all, “honey, I’ve been on a cruise too”, but then later kind of admits that she has maybe only metaphorically been on a cruise? Like she was talking about life’s rich tapestry, or something? I don’t know. Jokes, I guess. Comedians, I guess. The point is that Pauline gets very stroppy that Jesinta and Julia won’t listen to her and just straight grumps for the rest of the day.

At Team Unity, Jason takes control of the situation, because as the newly anointed Worst Person On This Show it’s his responsibility to, I guess. Shane Crawford just bumbles around insisting they have a whale on their living billboard. (One thing about Shane Crawford is that he is a lot more like Forrest Gump than people give him credit for.) Jason invites some “performers” down, because that is his one trick, and even though he’s on the phone to the mysteriously-disappeared Lisa Curry all day, they literally do not get a single prop she asks for.

I guess a very beautiful and magical thing about this show is getting to see celebrities of different background slowly grow to loathe each other more and more? At one point, Julia Morris loathes Pauline Hanson so much she does this face:

Just a great face to pull on television.

Show day arrives and both teams head to Darling Harbour with their living billboards for this weird fucking challenge. Let’s clarify what these things are: they are stages with P&O branding and the celebrities are on them and they have to make people stay and watch them talk about P&O cruises. It is boring and a disaster across the board:

Ugh. Very awkward. Obviously, no one wants to stand and watch them, not even with the prospect of free lanyards (??) or the chance to see Shannon Noll sit in a fake hot tub for a bit. Lisa and Jason on Team Unity have some big differences in what they think should happen and Jason totally negs the fuck out of her. He’s all “Darl, you’re getting emotional,” and “I’ve got good ideas, you just tell me what to do with them,” and “I’m just the most perfectly passive-aggressive little fuck.” Amazing! Things are significantly worse for their team, although, let’s remember that they are just asking people to stand and watch them awkwardly sell a very expensive product at a time when a lot of people are in a precarious situation financially. Lisa Curry takes matters into her own hands and asks Jason’s entertainers to do some dancing, which they do, and very well, actually, but he obviously has a cry like a fussy little baby bitch about it.

Back in the boardroom, everyone gets mad at each other. Pauline says Julia was aggressive to her. Julia says Pauline was grumpy. Lisa says things would have been fine if there was trust in her team. Jason says Lisa was “show wild”, whatever that means, that she was doing things without asking, and also that he adores her. She rolls her eyes. We all roll our eyes. Everyone in the world.

Mr Bouris announces that Ann Sherry from P&O Australia liked Team Ignite’s living billboard the best. They win again! Now’ it’s time for the blaming. Lisa says they failed at engaging the public, and she blames Jason for that, since he was the MC. She says she had no problem working with Shane because he’s a team player, but Jason was “uncoachable” (via Sports). Jason gets real emotional and actually starts crying because he thinks he’s being set up? Haha, what? Lisa Curry definitely seems like a cold bitch, but you were definitely the one who was trying to play weird mind games with her to make her freak out, buddy. And now you’re pulling out the crocodile tears! Very nice. The true heir to the Worst throne, no doubt.

Lisa says she’d fire Jason. Shane does not express any opinions (ever). Jason says that he’d fire Lisa – not because they had an altercation, but because she would fire him. Oh boy. This just gets better.

Finally, Mr Bouris tells Lisa she is a great representative for all women and mothers, but she failed to take ownership of her team, so she’s fired. As they walk out, she tells Jason he sold her out, and he says “Darl, I know I didn’t so I can sleep well at night.” What a dick.

Next week: Jason continues to explore his new-found powers, I bet.

Max Lavergne lives in Sydney. He tweets here and blogs at Really Really Really Trying and Rose Quartz.