PEDESTRIAN.TV's Selfish Saturday presented by The House of Angostura will be going down at Melbourne's The Timber Yard on Feb 22, from 10am - 5pm with a special Cuervo Spritz Club session from 5pm - 8pm. Click Here to snap up tix now.

It sounds impressive to claim I’ve improved on myself but in reality, you don’t know me, nor do you know how low that bar is set.

For the sake of transparency, let me tell you that the bar was set so low, they had to dig a six-foot trench because ground-level was not deep enough.

I’ve made some questionable choices, but, after some trial and error, I’ve credited my better (by comparison) behaviour to five alterations to my decision-making process.

1. Choose Decent Bevs

Why am I surrounded by so many people who have such poor taste in drinks? (My god, if even one person I know reads this, I’m going to be called out for my blatant hypocrisy so bloody hard.)

First rule to having a good night: invest in decent bevs (I’ve even taken the liberty to suggest a bunch of Jose Cuervo tequila cocktails because I’m an angel sent from heaven). Why?

  • Your tastebuds will thank you.
  • You’ll look a million bucks next to your fancy-ass cocktail.
  • You’ll be more inclined to savour it.
  • You can pass judgement about other punters for their awful taste in drinks.

Simple.

2. Pick A Moderate Partying Buddy

I used to hate doing rounds because my mates would take three hours to finish one drink like the limbless turtles they are.

But then, I thought, what if it’s me who’s the problem? No one else seems to be sitting there tapping their fingers impatiently, so if I just pick someone who’s a slow drinker and keep their pace, I’ll be much more inclined to actually enjoy (and remember) my night.

3. Spot The Hot(tie)

A good rule of thumb, at least for me, is to spy a babin’ stranger you potentially need to impress.

I’m not necessarily going to approach said babe, but I will have it in the back of my mind that if hell does freeze over and this person shows interest in me later in the night, I need to look like an absolute catch.

How do I go about seeming more stud than dud? I nurse a schmick looking drink, I tell witty anecdotes to people who probably aren’t listening and I steal a fancy looking top hat from the cloakroom.

No top hats in sight? Simply fancy multiple coasters into a jaunty headpiece and you’ll be laughing.

4. Location, Location, Location

If you end up at a grotsky-ass venue, you’re more likely to get grotsky-ass yourself.

I’m not saying you have to start spending every Saturday night at an Italian restaurant where the waiter gives you those judgy eyes for ordering a third glass of wine, but something where the crowd is more ~chill~ will hopefully chill you out, too.

Personally, I’ve started to gravitate towards anything that’s a) outdoors, b) offers something other than your basic bevs, and c) has enough going on that I don’t get bored with whatever company I’m keeping at the time.

If you’re looking for me this Saturday (oddly specific, I’m really opening myself up to stalkers here), I’ll be loitering at The Timber Yard in Melbs, purely because of the Jose Cuervo Tequila pop-up bar that’s gonna be there for Selfish Saturday (the bar will be running from 5pm-8pm) and serving a tonne of different bevs.

In a nutshell, Selfish Saturday’s a self-care festival presented by The House of Angostura. Think vibrator races, schmick Cosmic Cuervo cocktails, bangers playing during the entire event (including a DJ set from Banoffee to close it out) and pretty people everywhere.

Adding to that, there are gonna be sex-ed workshops, nude painting, food trucks, chats about mental health and everything that you need to treat yourself in one single day.

Scope out more info and snag your tickets HERE.

Friendly reminder to be 18+ if you’re gonna (responsibly) bev.

Image: Star Wars