I have to admit, I’m not on Twitter much. In fact, I only go on there while I’m working, which just so happens to be today, this public holiday that the rest of you are enjoying so much. I’m just thrilled for you!
Anyway, in my travels today I came across this simply excellent thread on Twitter that needs to be shared with all of you, so buckle the hell in because it’s a bit of a wild ride.
Twitter user @sixthformpoet decided that now was the right time to share possibly the craziest story I have ever read. I have no idea why he hasn’t shared it until now, and why there isn’t a Netflix movie based on it or perhaps a nine-season TV show starring Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel. It’s that good.
(I’m going to put all of the tweets into separate paragraphs for ease of reading, but if you’re lazy / impatient there is a link to the thread right HERE.)
ONE My dad died. Classic start to a funny story. He was buried in a small village in Sussex. I was really close to my dad so I visited his grave a lot. I still do. [DON’T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNIER.]
I always took flowers and my mum visited a lot and she always took flowers and my grandparents were still alive then and they always took flowers. My dad’s grave frequently resembled a solid third place at the Chelsea Flower Show.
Nice but I felt bad for the guy buried next to my dad. He NEVER had flowers. Died on Christmas Day aged 37, no one left him flowers and now there’s a pop-up florist in the grave next door. So I started buying him flowers. I STARTED BUYING FLOWERS FOR A DECEASED MAN I’D NEVER MET.
I did this for quite some time, but I never mentioned it to anyone. It was a little private joke with myself, I was making the world a better place one bunch of flowers at a time. I know it sounds weird but I came to think of him as a friend.
I wondered if there was a hidden connection between us, something secretly drawing me to him. Maybe we went to the same school, played for the same football club or whatever. So I googled his name, and ten seconds later I found him.
His wife didn’t leave him flowers BECAUSE HE’D MURDERED HER. ON CHRISTMAS DAY. After he murdered his wife, he murdered her parents too. And after that he jumped in front of the only train going through Balcombe tunnel that Christmas night.
THAT was why no one ever left him flowers. No one except me, of course. I left him flowers. I left him flowers every couple of weeks. Every couple of weeks FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
I felt terrible for his wife and her parents. Now, I wasn’t going to leave them flowers every couple of weeks for two and a half years but I did feel like I owed them some sort of apology.
I found out where they were buried, bought flowers and drove to the cemetery. As I was standing at their graves mumbling apologies, a woman appeared behind me. She wanted to know who I was and why I was leaving flowers for her aunt and grandparents. AWKWARD.
I explained and she said ok that’s weird but quite sweet. I said thanks, yes it is a bit weird and oh god I ASKED HER OUT FOR A DRINK. Incredibly, she said yes. Two years later she said yes again when I asked her to marry me because that is how I met my wife. [END]
Okay. Now this entire story could be totally fabricated but god I hope it isn’t because it is SO INSANE. I think my favourite part is how he knew he was being an absolute weirdo for good chunks of this yarn, but went ahead and did the weird things anyway. And it bloody paid off, didn’t it?
There’s many reactions to the thread, which has gone viral on Twitter, with a good chunk being “this needs to be a movie NOW”.
Apart from all the murdered people this is a wonderful story. David Lynch should make the movie of this.
— Lisa B ????️ (@Lisamboo) June 9, 2019
— Benjamin Dixon (@BenjaminPDixon) June 9, 2019
Others point out it’s much better than that nine-season show I mentioned before…
— Kyle Hutchinson (@K_Hutch_05) June 9, 2019
Others are just blown away by the yarn itself.
Man, Cupid must have been high on shrooms when he cooked this one up
— Why All The Anger? (@WhyAllTheAnger) June 9, 2019
And of course there’s the Twitter Guy that has to pour shit on it.
There are no Balcombe tunnel suicide by train incidents I can find. Also can’t find any wife/in-law murders in the UK
— Seamus Ó Cualáin ???????????????? (@jimfoley) June 9, 2019
Zzzzz why can’t we just have this one thing, Seamus?
Look, true or not, I’d like to thank @sixthformpoet for cheering up my working public holiday.Image: iStock Images / strathroy