Twitter Simply Cannot Deal W/ ‘Bachie’ Apollo & His Puppies (We Mean Arms)

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette left a lot to be desired, frankly. A lacklustre group date, a stomach-churning bromance between the two douchiest bros on the show… it was not a highlight.



All of Australia right now:

Yep, the magician and certified gun licence holder has officially won the hearts/groins of the nation, what with his prodigious rig, his genuine interest in Our Sophie, and his serendipitous encounter with the most potent aphrodisiac known to man: puppies.

Be still our beating hearts.

Even though “doga” is an incredibly stupid portmanteau, watching this sweet hunk o’ man attempt a few salutes to the sun with puppy in tow on his second single date with Sophie was phenomenally charming, and Sophie seemed to love it too.

So much so, in fact, that she gave the Greek god a big ol’ pash under some very atmospheric fairy lights.

Are we jealous? No, because Apollo is clearly a fantasy conjured to life through collective willpower, and therefore gets to marry every single person in Australia. Lucky us!

What else happened in this episode? Nothing of consequence. Jarrod‘s still a revolting suck-up; Sam & Blake are still the worst, and it was a shame Sophie didn’t send both Beavis and Butthead home (that honour was reserved for perpetual irritator Sam).

But who cares! Apollo is a real man who exists in the world, and even our mate Osher bloody loves him.

New frontrunner? Who can say. Now I’m off to stick pictures of that Disney prince-looking motherfucker on all my school books because I, and every other person with a beating heart and a TV connection, have a BIG, BIG CRUSH.