This show. This damn show. What is it trying to do to us?! Discover the point at which the human body can cringe no further, and cause mass unconsciousness via second-hand embarrassment?
First it was the coldest of ice-cold pash-dodges; now it’s a god damn, motherfucking, what-the-hell-were-you-thinking POEM.
A poem. A poem, Cobie. WHY?!
In case you missed the moment of truth, it occurred while coal miner Cobie was on a coveted single date with handsome hard-bodied kelpie-man Matty J. After looking at some big horses’… manes, the two end up having one of those deeply awkward and stilted conversations where you can practically feel the producers breathing down their necks.
When, for some unfathomable reason, Cobie decides now’s the time to bust out a poem that she’s written – ‘cos nothing says romance like reciting the very first poem you’ve ever written to a man who’s contractually obliged to be nice to you.
Just so we’re absolutely clear, I actively resent having to listen to her read this non-verse again in order to write it down. Here is the damn poem:
You will see me smile, you will see me laugh, and if I cry it will be from happiness.
You’ve only seen glimpses of who I am, but I have a sneaky suspicion you’ll be a fan.
I don’t have a list, or a little check sheet, because being a good person comes to you naturally.
You have a lot of great qualities that I’ve already seen, so thank you for sharing your journey with me.
The people are NOT AMUSED.
— Kiera (@UnderYourPorch) August 3, 2017
— Georgia Kelleher (@GeorgiaKelleher) August 3, 2017
“That is an extremely good poem” says Matty, and we know we can never trust a single thing he ever says from now on. #TheBachelorAU
— Jo Thornely (@jothornely) August 3, 2017
— Ilaria Brophy (@ilariabrophy) August 3, 2017
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no (a poem) #TheBachelorAU
— Alex Bruce-Smith (@alexbrucesmith) August 3, 2017
“Up yours,” says Cobie, “I still got to plant one on The Hot Man,” and we will have to give her that, because she sure as hell did:
— The Bachelor Australia 🌹 (@TheBachelorAU) August 3, 2017
Blech. Poetry: the way to a dude’s heart. Who knew.