I’m exhausted. I mean, this episode was a bloody, horny, dangerous rollercoaster, filled with Shakira, staches, near-deaths and all. We said goodbye to queen commentator Mary and witnessed quite a few moments that we wish we could, well, un-see. Check out our full recap here:
Okay, let’s dive into the spiciest moments.
Most of us started the episode still reeling from last night’s festivities. It left many of us wondering, who the Plan B guy actually was… and if we was a looker. (I bet he’s fucking hot. Love that.)
I sincerely hope Rachael got to bang the Plan B guy, she deserves it after what she’s put up with #TheBachelorAU
— @robcoco@aus.social (@RobCoco) August 29, 2019
Our bodies were subsequently not ready for Stache Man to grace us with his beautiful presence. Reviews were mixed but, to be honest, I think it shows major big dick energy. Kudos to you, Stache Man. Many were also quick to notice similarities with Stache Man 2, Jules.
That instructors’s moustache is a hate crime #TheBachelorAU
— Hannah (@Hannah_LMN) August 29, 2019
https://twitter.com/babooshka_yaya/status/1167008985016233984
Pretty sure this acro guy is just Jules undercover in circus mode #thebachelorau
— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) August 29, 2019
https://twitter.com/kkarennnx/status/1167010097320660992
Okay, so literally the greatest line in the episode, the season and in television history came from Emma. When she said, “I’d rather be at the pub”, we collectively felt that.
“I’d rather be in the pub” first time I’ve related to Emma #TheBachelorAU
— Kayla Joiner (@_kayjoi) August 29, 2019
this would be me right about now #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/JrsBUUro9w
— kiki 🍒 (@violettfemmes) August 29, 2019
Also, this is major tea. A lot of viewers are starting to call a big bluff.
https://twitter.com/clementine_ford/status/1167010246532820992
Then there was that fucking weird kissy orgasm tornado bit… Well, I’ll just leave these here to accurately summarise my feelings. Horny, I am not.
Abbie trying to stay sexy like #thebachelorau pic.twitter.com/neyZnuE5uv
— Noah (@noahyard) August 29, 2019
#TheBachelorAU Cirque de la horny
— Gidgit VonLaRue (@GidgitVonLaRue) August 29, 2019
Chelsie came to save the day, and then nearly died. Australia automatically assumed the role of overprotective father-in-law.
https://twitter.com/salagal1/status/1167016774635675649
#TheBachelorAU
“I couldn’t have done it without you”
YOU ONLY HAD TO DO IT BECAUSE OF HIM!— Katy Murphy (@katymurfy) August 29, 2019
https://twitter.com/kkarennnx/status/1167017041435353088
https://twitter.com/ShaunaOCarroll/status/1167018151105613824
And then there was Sogand. I’m still screaming after Matt was like “oh cool have you done classes?” and she was all like “no never, i just love Shakira.”
asdfauhidsffdaisu. Sorry, cat ran across my keyboard.
https://twitter.com/staffa93/status/1167020935347462144
Sogand, your hips are lying. You can’t dance, you’re no Shakira #TheBachelorAU
— Ellie Parousiatis (@ellieep_) August 29, 2019
And finally, let’s pour one out and chuck our deuces up for queen Mary. It’s sad to see her go, but something tells me that this won’t be the last we see of her. She’s made for television, darling.
https://twitter.com/goldcoastgrace/status/1167009860623323136
I need a rosé and a nap.
