Just Gonna Say It: The Totally Spies Trio Were 100% Better Spies Than James Bond Ever Was

The point of being a spy is to sneak into sticky situations, get the intel, and catch the baddie, all while avoiding creating any kind of chaos or mess that might give away your top-secret status. Which makes me wonder why the fuck James Bond gets so much praise when the Totally Spies girls do the job 100% better, and with more charisma too.

If ASIO or ASIS are looking for new recruits (they always are) they should put their feelers out into the Totally Spies fandom and poach our top talent from there instead of presumably molding the next generation of 007s.

Here’s a comprehensive analysis of why SamClover and Alex are far better spies than that dickhead James ever was.

Clover giving off major Kim Petras rainbow-era vibes and I’m HERE for it.

1. They get the job done

This sounds like a prerequisite for becoming a spy, right? So how come James Bond is always getting distracted by random women when he has a job to do.

The world is in danger – we don’t have time to wait for your libido, James.

As a side note, while conducting my scrupulous research, I noticed a bunch of James Bond clips being shared by pickup artists. Ew. James Bond is CANCELLED.

Meanwhile, the Totally Spies trio, being the protagonists of a wholesome children’s cartoon, do nothing of the sort. What they get up to in their downtime is none of my business, but I can happily and confidently report that the girls rarely get distracted by love interests while on the job.

They have our best interests at heart, and for that, I am grateful.

2. They have way cooler gadets

Not gonna lie, the girls’ Compowder was probably the coolest and most memorable spy gadget of my childhood.

For those out of the loop, a Compowder looks exactly like a compact, exempt it’s choc-full of high tech features. It’s got a camera, fingerprint scanner, homing device, phone, teleportation functionality and way more. That might sound like a stock standard smartphone nowadays, but back in the early 2000s these Compowders were – and I cannot stress this enough – the shit.

Let’s not forget about the Expandable Mascara Brush, Eyelash Curler Catapult, Hologram Projecting Mood Ring, or the All In One Lipstick and Titanium Extendo Rod, either.


Q could never come up with something like this for James. Even if he had somehow been given a Compowder, he’d be far too embarrassed to use it, for sure.

What does James have? A mobile phone taser – the most Karen gadget out there. Smartblood which allows his location to be tracked at all times – a dystopian body modification if ever I saw one.

We always think of James Bond as having exciting gadgets, but when push comes to shove, none are anywhere close to being as exciting as the Totally Spies gear. I scoured a list of all Bond gadgets and struggled to find anything that wasn’t boring or just straight-up product placement.

Yes, his cars are sick. But they don’t count as gadgets in this particular comparison.

3. They’re fun

We as a society idolise secret agents, yet I challenge you to name a single spy you’d like to hang out with on Rodeo Drive. I can name three: Sam, Alex and Clover.

The Totally Spies girls are constantly having a laugh and making their boss Jerry blush. Like when Alex accidentally said Rumpelstiltskin instead of Rapunzel, or when Sam said: “You’ll never get away with your crazy scheme. By the way, what is your crazy scheme?”

James Bond, on the other hand, ranges from cold at best to downright impersonable at worst. His awkward tension with M is enough to make viewers uncomfortable, leaving only his brief banter with Moneypenny as a moment of respite from the awkwardness.

Not to mention, the man hangs out with rich dudes squandering away their fortunes in casinos. Hard pass on that for a playdate.

Counterpoint: the Bond theme songs are so good

Ok, I’ll admit this is an extremely controversial point.

A spy’s theme song does not necessarily reflect the calibre of their work. But we must acknowledge that the Bond films do have some absolutely amazing intro songs from the likes of Adele, Sam Smith and many more, going back decades.

That being said, the Totally Spies intro also slaps. Listen for yourself and try not to be overcome by the nostalgia.

So there you have it. There’s no single best spy from pop culture – there are three!

Will I watch the new Bond film, No Time to Die, when it comes out later this year? Of course.

All I’m saying is that, if it were up to me, I’d have much more trust in Sam, Clover and Alex to keep me safe than I ever did in James.