Sometimes when I feel scared, or sad, or alone, I like to watch other scared, sad or alone people who are doing it tougher than I am. Instantly, some cheer is renewed and a comforting realisation emerges: there is always somebody more fucked than you.
Residents of Northern Queensland, this one goes out to you. Your have exhibited an honourable resilience following the disastrous floods. Now you guys are facing a Top Priority Cyclone Warning. This is so rubbish. I’d imagine you are thinking ‘Queensland: What have you done for me lately?’ and I would agree. And realistically, Australia Day has passed. Curb the patriotism and feel allowed to propel your bitterness for the state that loves to hate.
And we’ve decided to help. Below, we give you the Top Natural Disaster Movies that you hopefully won’t be able to identify with. Through these, with these, in these… you can see other people getting hated on by the environment in the safety and solace of your lounge room / wherever you are still hooked up with internet and reading this, and revel in the fact that you are not any of those people. As aforementioned: there is always somebody more fucked than you.
The Wizard Of Oz
This twister is so bad it doesn’t just uproot your home but sends you on a fucked up technicolour acid trip to Munchkinland with all kinds of wack hallucinations.
The Day After Tomorrow
Dire times will no longer prevail as long as there is Jake Gyllenhall. NB: dire feelings may not be eradicated if you are a straight male, but then again, they still might.
The Andromeda Strain
Somehow a deadly extraterrestrial microorganism has fallen to earth and is infecting everyone. It either fatally clots human blood or induces insanity causing suicide or murder-suicide.
The Perfect Storm
The scariest thing about this movie is it is based on real life.
Uh oh. Inner city volcano alert. Pierce Brosnan plays a vulcanologist in a storyline riddled with mediocrities, perfect for drawing many a lol.
The Good Earth
Whatever happens to you, the good people of QLD, I feel confident you can rule out any probability of a locust attack. The good earth? More like the bad earth! Ho ho ho.
A dam bursts and floods a small middle America town. If the rain don’t get you the thieves on the loose sure will. Christian Slater and Betty White are in it.
Ava Gardner and Charlton Heston try to keep their shit together in inconceivable life or death situations in order to survive an earthquake of “unimaginable magnitude”.
The world has run out of all natural resources. Luckily some scientists invented this synthetic digestible food source called Soylent Green. Hang on a second…
If that isn’t working for you, try this:
Written by Melissa Kenny