These Celebrities Wore Dresses On The Cannes Film Festival Red Carpet. What Happened Next Will Shock And Enthral You.

It’s Day 02 of the 67th Festival de Cannes on the French Riviera and we’re balls deep in

 

Nicole Kidman’s festival opener, Grace of Monaco, has been savaged with wild abandon by critics; festival jury president Jane Campion has answered accusations of lingering sexism in the film industry with a resounding ‘duh’; and Blake Lively is slaying left, right and centre. 

Additionally, a bunch of other celebrities are wearing dresses in public with the intention of being photographed. What happens next has to be seen to be believed, the results will literally shock you, you won’t even be able to deal, you will probably die, wow, you can’t even, et cetera.

Not really. It’s pretty standard fare of the kind you should’ve come to expect from Cannes, and from the bizarre ritual of the red carpet itself. Spoiler alert: It probably won’t shock and enthral you. 

Nevertheless, here are the Major Players and Player Haters from Cannes soixante-sept so far. Thanks for stopping by.

Next to ‘Cara Delevingne’ and ‘Matthew McConaughey’, ‘Adéle Exarchopoulous’ is my least favourite name to write but is my most favourite gal to look at in custom Louis Vuitton and an unkempt fish tail braid. ~Sexy alert~

Audrey Tautou is forever gamine chic, even in a Banksy flavoured valance by Prada with classic navy pumps. A+

It’s not a red carpet per se [French for ‘deal with it‘] but that won’t stop me from including these very necessary photos of Cate Blanchett in exquisite, feathered Valentino and fkn ridiculous Chopard PRAWN EARRINGS.

Prawns! For Pete’s sake!

Jane Fonda is a très sexual septuagenarian in the same Elie Saab Haute Couture gown Angelina Jolie wore to the Oscars. 

All the news that’s fit to print, right here; and you are, as always, very welcome.

“So awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk“; “agonisingly airless and contrived“; and “glitzy Eurotrash royalty porn” are three critiques that have been levelled at Grace of Monaco that could also be flung at Nicole Kidman’s dramatic Armani Privé misstep. 

It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re at Cannes, you’re expensive, you’re all about that life.

Julianne Moore also wears custom Louis Vuitton that verges on costume Louis Vuitton on account of those tiered, ashen feathers that combine to look like a musical score, paired with a leather V-neck tee. That’s a compliment, I think :/

Wait, no… I still love you, Nancy Donovan. Wicked hard.

Laetitia Casta wears the well-ventilated closing look from the Spring 2014 Dior Haute Couture show, is an oil painting of your ideal French goddess. Liberté, egalité, sexualité.

Liya Kebede will make you question your life choices and/or sexual preference in a heavily embellished Roberto Cavalli mini accessorised with gams for days and cascading hair that will not quit no matter how many times you’re caught staring at it at Friday drinks.

Festival juror Sofia Coppola is chic as sin in Valentino couture, sensible Céline wedges and an elegant bob. Happy belated birthday, bb. 

TBH, I re-watched the Bling Ring last week and it was really not great, sorry, byeeee.

Cannes is not just about unfairly beautiful models like Liya and Laetitia wearing clothes you’d have to mortgage the remainder of your life to even be in the same room as. 

Much like life itself, it’s also about actresses of Ziyi Zhang’s pedigree going balls to the wall in outlandish evening wear that you wouldn’t see on any other red carpet. This Stéphane Rolland Haute Couture body stocking is the first of many looks you can expect from the reliably eccentric Zhang over the coming week. 

It’s like Trinity from The Matrix made a questionable line of bulletproof breastplate bridalwear. It’s great.

Another pleasant, safe look from Zoe Saldana in a smart Jason Wu oil slick – not sure if feather or velvet appliqué – and a jaunty opera scarf you’d be pleased to see your mum in at a Valedictory dinner. Blessed.

Statuesque cookie monster Karlie Kloss cannot be dealt with in a heavenly Valentino lace curtain and an arched eyebrow that knows every six foot and 53/64 inches of how much it cannot be dealt with.

Noted thespian Kendal Jenner, whose life itself is a performance art piece nonpareil – an artfully affected yet impenetrable facade that masks a very real and uneasy undercurrent of melancholy – wears a Chanel bib. Tee hee.

Here’s the first of two Blake Lively looks for you to scorch onto the imaginary mood boards of your retinae. Here she’s wearing Chanel Haute Couture. She looks so good I could throw up. Not even sure she’s promoting a movie at Cannes. W/e.

Now she’s wearing oxblood Gucci Première and I literally want to die. 

Inès Marie Lætitia Églantine Isabelle de Seignard de La Fressange is like ‘wut up fives, Inès out’ ¯__/¯