Batten down the hatches, turn on the television, bring a judgemental attitude and maybe a glass of schnapps. Tonight is the second live show of The X-Factor Australia where we’ll see the 11 remaining contestants perform songs from the theme ‘Party All Night!’. I’m predicting many cringe-worthy sing along moments ahead.
It’ll be interesting to see who will replace the shamed nude photo-procuring contestant Josh on Mel B‘s team of Under 25 boys. Less interesting is which popular party hit the Final 11 will butcher for the show’s big opening number. Last week it was this heinous version of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe”.
Let the live show commence!
7:34pm: Host Luke Jacobz has just confirmed that Mel B‘s new contestant will be introduced tonight. They’re clearly keeping the name disclosed to build suspense. LOL.
7:38pm: Actually I was wrong. Mel B, a vision in cleavage-exposing white mini dress, announces that small-statured Mr Bean lookalike Carmelo will be her Josh replacement. I’m not disappointed about this revelation, considering Mel’s other options (both named Matt, both terrible).
7:42pm: First to perform tonight is one of the Under 25 girls from Team Natalie. Angel emerges with a Tyra Banks style makeover: she’s platinum blonde! SCREAM! And for viewers at home who are colour blind or idiots, the producers put #BlondeAmbition on the bottom of screen – so get on Twitter and trend that shit, you guys! Angel is singing “Young Hearts Run Free” and she sounds great. She has a really self-assured, strong and deep soul voice and looks like an extra in The KLF’s “Justified and Ancient” music video, which is a good thing obviously.
7:48pm: There are some comments from the judges (Nat’s judging panel nemesis Mel B, specifically) claiming Angel’s personality was a little lost in the song, but there was also some positive feedback, like from Guy who said there have been a lot of divas on shows like this and she has something extra special about her. Ooh SNAP Paulini!
7:55pm: Next to perform is Jason from Team Mel. She has chosen “Dancing In The Moonlight” by Band Name Not Important for him to perform, but in the rehearsals he had a bit of a wig out. Let’s see if he can grow some balls and get this shit done like a pro.
7:57pm: Okay, my initial thought is: this is too fast. It’s more like “Freaking Out On Methamphetamine In The Moonlight”. He sounds okay, but his moves are so awkward and self-conscious. Ronan kind of likes it though. Nat thought he was okay but the dancing was a little lame – true story. [“Look at her boobs!” my boyfriend yells pointing at Mel B and interrupting my train of thought. PS Mate, I am looking at her boobs, as I have working eyes.]
7:59pm: Guy says he is still unsure of Jason’s moves, but he – very accurately – comments that the song isn’t very “party” and is more “soft rock”. I would call it “lame adult-contemporary”. At the end of the day (first major cliche of the live blog! Yay!) people just like Jason because he’s simply a likeable dude, so this lameness shouldn’t be a problem.
8:00pm: I love how they’re doing pre-taped spots with ‘Social Media Guy’ Johnny Ruffo because he is terrible at live television.
8:03pm: Shit, Johnny Ruffo just did a live cross back stage! Anyone got a hat I can eat?
8:8:06pm: The group called Fourtunate from Team Ronan are up next performing “Blame It On The Boogie” by the Jackson 5. Can’t WAIT to see them ruin a disco classic!
8:09: This is infinitely better than their dismal effort from last week. They’re wearing vaguely Michael Jackson-ish outfits – what looks to be categorically hideous customised studded leather jackets? – and I have to say the choreographed dance moves are pretty good. And they are using chairs as props. Dancing with chairs for props is the way to my heart. Britney “Stronger” anyone? They get a standing ovation from the crowd and some props from the judges. Mel B sledges them for the outfits, bless her.
8:19pm: Nathaniel from Guy‘s team will be up next singing “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai. Vintage!
8:21pm: Nathaniel is wearing a blue suit with a blue shirt and blue tie the exact same colour. He is like the Blue Man Group without the cool electronica, miming and artfully splashed around paint. While he sounds okay, for me he just doesn’t have a huge amount of stage presence and his voice fades out sometimes. He pulls off a few decent moves though.
8:22pm: Mel B says “I like the Smurf outfit” the cheeky mole. Overall she thinks he “smashed it” and “it was sexy”. Ronan and Nat thinks he did a good job. Guy, who I must say is looking pretty slick this evening, says he loved how natural and cool Nathaniel’s performance was. Circle jerk, basically.
8:30pm: Next up is Bella the cute indie girl from Nat‘s team. Bella doesn’t think “party” is her, which she says in rehearsal. Nat says condescendingly and with zero sincerity “we’ve all got a little bit of party in us!” Bella is singing a One Direction song. Please don’t turn it into a lame folk mess…
8:32pm: Groan. She’s singing “Beautiful” by 1D, but it’s a soft and totally un-party version. There’s a quirky man in striped socks playing piano accordion on stage with her, who I either hate or like. I really can’t tell how I feel. Bella’s voice sounds very pretty and she’s putting on a fine performance, but this seems like a poor choice for the genre.
8:35pm: Guy comments on the lack of ‘party’ but thinks her voice is pretty and dug piano accordion dude. Okay, so in the rehearsal footage Bella says “I wonder if Mel B was my mentor she would make me sing a Spice Girls song?” Now Mel B lays some smack down! She says: “I wouldn’t get you to sing a Spice Girls song until you’ve sold 75 million albums.” Oooh shit son! This is hands down the most entertaining moment of the show so far. Natalie then says pointedly to Bella: “We wouldn’t invite Mel to our party anyway” and Mel B interrupts saying “BECAUSE MY PARTY WOULD ROCK.” This is truly embarrassing / awesome live television.
8:43pm: What About Tonight, Ronan‘s colour coordinated boy band quintet, is up next and they are singing a song I’m definitely too old to have heard of called “Year 3000” by Busted/Jonas Bothers.
8:45pm: The dudes are wearing matching suits with Converse (ugh worst, but genre- and audience-appropriate I suppose) and sing nicely in harmony with a few decent group dance moves.
8:47pm: After the performance Guy asks them to sing the chorus a cappella, which they do quite impressively. The girls in the audience have not stopped squealing since they walked on stage at this point.
8:48pm: AMAZING ALERT. Mel B just leaned across the table to ask Nat if she was insinuating that the Spice Girls are a manufactured pop group with no substance in her loaded comments to Bella – which obviously has zero to do with What About Tonight. These two are the worst/best.
8:57pm: Now on stage is country old mate Justin singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Oh the horror…
8:58pm: All in all that was dreadful, but the song is so so difficult to sing I can’t be too hateful about it. I mean Freddie freaking Mercury has one of the greatest voices in rock ever, so it’s kind of an unfair challenge. Guy might have made a boo-boo picking this one.
9:00pm: The judges are reluctantly negative, because Justin gave it a crack – with some highly unorthodox dance postures thrown in – but it wasn’t up to scratch.
9:08pm: Carmelo will make his first Live Show performance. He’s singing “Everlasting Love”. Please be the Gloria Estefan version.
9:09pm: Of course it’s the bloody Jamie Callum version, isn’t it. But Carmelo looks and sounds quite charming. Much better than Josh ever did – I say, because I unfairly hate Josh for wearing giant headphones all the time.
9:10pm: This is quite a cute performance and I find myself liking Carmelo’s sincerity and smiley on stage manner, as well as his smooth swing-ish voice.
9:13pm: The judges are all pretty stoked with Carmelo. Guy says “welcome to the competition”.
9:18pm: Next is Guy‘s contestant-via-awkward-nepotism Sammy, who Guy just rebranded as “Samantha J”. Oh. It is actually “Samantha JADE”. One name only please!
9:20pm: She’s singing “Freefallin” by Zoe Badwi, which sounds like a song best described as a ‘club anthem’. She’s surrounded by half-dressed back up dancers on a set so expensive it’s worthy of Kylie Minogue. Sammy has a really good consistent voice and very well controlled pitch. That’s impressive. But, I said it last week and I’ll say it again: she just doesn’t have a stand out personality.
9:23pm: Mel B just said Sammy looked like a hot little Kylie Minogue, her voice sounds great, but she needs to show more personality. Mel B and I are one and the same. Except I’m not a gorgeous breasty rich black woman with a fabulous glittery life.
9:24pm: Ronan thought Sammy’s voice was amazing and is probably the best in the competition, but said the song wasn’t great. Guy says he loved her, before Mel B quickly interrupts and says “YOU’RE FRIEND SAMMY”. Mel B is being so disagreeable and beligerent tonight, and it’s a real joy to behold.
9:31pm: 14-year-old cutie Shiane is next to sing. She’s doing a loose version of “Heard It Through The Grapevine” and is looking a lot more comfortable on stage compared with last week. The black and white Sixties-style geometric shift dress she’s wearing looks adorable on her.
9:34pm: Guy gives Shiane kudos for the performance and the outfit, but has an issue with her pronunciation. Agreed – it’s pretty vague. He also questions Nat‘s song choice. Of course, Mel B criticises Nat’s song choices for Shiane too – because they are mortal enemies. Ronan kindly praises her because she’s 14 for crying out loud.
9:37pm: In the post-performance interview Luke Jacobz asks Shiane how she likes being recognised on the street. “I love it”, she says shyly. BLESS.
9:41pm: Teenage girls, ready your vocal cords: The Collective is next. They were the undisputed favourites from last week’s live show, but this time Ronan has decided they will be performing “Footloose” which has the potential to be seriously fucked. Mel hilariously says “It’s one of mah fevritt songs, so theh better not mess it urp.” LOL – who has freaking “Footloose” as their favourite song??!
9:44pm: Jesus this looks expensive. They’re in a fake yellow convertible car with green screen scenery whizzing past them. It is beyond words. This is like a bizarro-techno version of the song and my ears hurt. Credit to the boys though, they are very engaging and – remarkably – manage to do their thing with enough sincerity and genuine likability that they get away with the ridiculousness of this whole scenario.
9:46: As the song ends the entire crowd (estimate age between 11-15) goes bananas and all the judges love them too. Mel B even says “Ronan, ah think yeh huv a real chance of winnen The X-Factor.”
9:49pm: That’s a wrap for tonight. Tomorrow we’ll be back for the Live Results show. What did you think of tonight? Hit the comment section with your thoughts and feelings. Goodnight lovers!
