Insects are scum. They’re all scum. All insects should just be eradicated and the world would be a better place. All of them. What’s that, you say? We need them to keep the order of nature intact? Hahahahahaha that’s a funny and a half. Here’s the thing – I don’t care because there’s nothing so repulsively horrific as waking up in the middle of the night because a cockroach is crawling down the back of your PJ top.
Australia has some of the worst, grossest insects in the world. I don’t even think that’s an exaggeration – everyone says we’re fucked on the insect front. They freak the hell out at stories that don’t make us bat an eyelid, like when people find huntsmen spiders in their shoe or whatever.
Enough’s enough. Let’s get rid of, in order from worst insect to least-worst, all these fuckers.
COCKROACHES
AAAAGH. FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS. There is not one cockroach that deserves life. Not one. I don’t care what they do for us, don’t tell me because I don’t care. Make a robot to do it for us. You know who need to go immediately right now no arguments? The flying ones. DIE.
LOCUSTS
When I went to Falls Festival in Lorne one year, we drove straight through a locust plague. Have you ever seen a locust plague? I thought they were strictly a Bible thing but noooo, we get them in Australia. They’re disgusting. The eyebally devils cover every surface and they jump at random. Locusts are grubs because they can jump AND fly. I mean they probably should be above everything because of that range of sudden movement but I just really hate cockroaches ok. I REALLY hate them.
MOLE CRICKETS
Look at these turds. Look at their damn giant heads. Thise weird arms poking out of their earhole area. The spiky bum. Kill them all.
CICADAS
YUCK. Look at that revolting cesspit of an insect clambering out of it’s own skin. These are gross alive and they’re gross when they leave their sticky shell on your door frame. They also make so much noise, like shut the fuck up you dickheads. Yes it’s HOT we KNOW. You don’t need to crow on about it.
WASPS
Oh fuck right off with your “I will sting you as many times as I want with my large ass” bullshit. The thing is, bees are not on here because a) they’re cute and b) I trod on one last year and it barely hurt (but also I was extremely drunk) and because we need the bees for something, idk what but memes tell me we do. But wasps? They’re just large, flying, aggressive fuckheads. To me they are the MRAs of the bug world – they just come out guns blazing even when you’re just chilling and not attacking them at all. Stupid shits.
MARCH FLIES
Look at this insanity I read on wikipedia in order to give you guys at least some semi-factual points on these insects. “The females of most species of March fly take a blood meal after inflicting a painful bite with their piercing mouthparts.” I mean come on. You’re an annoying fly and you’re gonna bite me then drink my blood? Die in a hole.
CLICK BEETLES
YUCK. HORRIFIC. DISGUSTING. Insects that make noise are both annoying and terrifying. Get outta here. Because click beetles are smaller than some of the other giant noisy dickheads in this list, they get to be lower but they’re still worthy of deletion from life.
BULL ANTS
Bull ants are fucked because you can just be standing around doing a bush wee at a highway rest stop, and then look down and out of nowhere 20 of them have covered your foot. Oh, and then – even though you make no sudden movements – they perceive a threat and start biting the shit out of you. Not that that’s a personal anecdote or anything.
STINK BUGS
Stink bugs are pretty harmless, and they look pretty. But man they really fucking stink. Their name is not a lie, they are stinky little fuckers. They’re not really bothering me by existing, but my world would be better without them in it. Also when I was in primary school we had a tree that would get covered with them and the visual’s really stayed with me. I don’t like it.
HUNTSMEN
This one pains me slightly because for the most part, I find huntsmen spiders like ugly cuties. They’re absolute eyesores and look terrifying, but they just hang about on your wall not bothering you. Still, we have to be ruthless for the good of Australia, and plenty of people are scared of these bad boys. So they’ve gotta go.
SLUGS
Slugs are okay I guess, and someone also told me they’re not technically an insect they’re a mollusc. Sounds like lies but whatever. I’m the captain and I say they’re insects. Anyway slugs are just gross but since they move at the pace of… a slug and also are generally pretty visible, they’re bottom of the list. BUT they remain on my extinction list because once I trod on one shoeless and fuck me, have you ever done that? HORROR. HORROR SHOW ON SO MANY LEVELS.
THOSE INSECTS THAT BREED IN YOUR CEREAL SOMETIMES
I can’t be assed googling what they’re called. Weevils? I think it’s weevils. Anyway, whatever the things are that grow in all your cereal stuff if you don’t seal it vaccuum tight. They’re disgusting. Easily binned, but just revolting and we don’t need them. Bye, tiny demons.
FYI the pictures for these messes were too foul to put in here. I did you all a favour, ok?
