Tomorrow is ANZAC Day but tonight is The Voice. You’ve got a holiday tomorrow so what better way to enjoy the evening than watching Australia’s hottest television show of the moment? Our enthusiasm levels could not have been better expressed than in this tweet by judge Joel Madden:
7:39pm: It’s a viewing party! Let’s break open the mid-shelf cheeses and get crazy. Speaking of crazy, what the heck is with the judges in the same outfit every night? Was it all taped in one night? Does Seal really like that fluoro yellow jacket that much? Let’s hope these questions are answered tonight.
Kidding! Who gives a shit!
7:42pm: Prinnie, who’s main inspiration is her daughter, is contestant number one. She’s wearing painted on red pants. Girl looks good. Her song choice is “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce. I just said “Who sings this song?” and got laughed at by my viewing companions. Fuck off you guys. I would’ve known if Prinnie sounded half as good as Beyonce, which she doesn’t. Seal spins around, and Joel turns at the last minute and tells her “You killed that”. Killed it? More like murdered? Snicker. Seal has the audience now chanting “Prinnie! Prinnie!” and he says “You hear that? I want to teach you to earn it.” Then Joel sleazily says “I’ll do anything you want baby.” Prinnie picks Joel.
7:49pm: The next contest is Anthony who, once again, is “doing this” for his wife and kids.
7:54pm: Guys, if Anthony is boring I swear I’m not even going to comment.
7:55pm: Anthony is singing Stevie Wonder. So is Seal, who insists on singing along to every f**king song. He probably keeps spinning around for people because he just hears his own voice in his ears and thinks it’s awesome. Seal is potentially an alien. E.T. JUST SPUN AROUND. He looks so high on ecstasy tonight.
7:57pm: Seal is the only judge to spin around so Anthony’s with him. Keith Urban asks “How did it feel to almost get to the end and have no one turned around?” Zing! An unusually bitchy comment from Keith!
8:03pm: Okay, Evan from The Secret Life Of Us‘s voice is in every ad. “He’s the Brendan Cowell’s Brendan Cowell” explained my friend Angus.
8:06pm: The next contestant was in a hip hop crew. I feel like “hip hop crew” is a pretty vague thing to belong to these days. STOP IT! His dad just said “YOU CAN DO IT!” like something from an Adam Sandler movie?!?! This guy’s dad is a meme in the making.
Hip hop is singing a Bruno Mars song while accompanying himself on the piano. That’s impressive! Superficial Joel turned around in his chair (note: he turned HIS BODY around in his chair, he didn’t turn his chair) to get a look at the guy. He spins, then has the balls to say “I’m SO GLAD I turned around for you [because you’re young, handsome and R&B-ish]”. His preoccupation with good looking contestants is absolutely hilarious.
8:15pm: How heinous is The Voice logo lol.
8:16pm: Does anyone else keep tweeting and hope they put it on the tv screen?
8:16pm: Tight pant-wearing rock chick Virginia is wailing on AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell”. She’s doing a great job but no one turns around. Holy shit she’s 42! She’s clearly been using SK-II. Keith is making some controversial comments tonight, the most recent of which was “I wish I’d seen you when you were performing.” That is SUCH a Joel comment.
8:20pm: “She sounds like a young… petal” says my friend Neha about the latest contestant. She sings some gentle, lyrical pop song and, after turning around, you can tell Delta’s desperately trying to conjure a few fake tears. Joel, Seal and Keith all followed suit. It’s the most exciting moment of the show tonight. “Actually, can you change my quote to ‘she sounds like Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin’?” Neha asks. No mate – I do want I want, and if you said something lame about a petal you must live with it forever. Her voice is super clear in that musical theatre style. Jasmine from Aladdin now has a big decision to make… but she picks…
8:24pm: Ad break. BRB.
8:28pm: She chooses Keith. “I would too baby” says my slightly drunk friend Anna. Keith’s hair reminds me so much of Drew from Neighbours. FYI.
8:34pm: Guy with blue eyeliner just really “connected” to Seal. Shut up Seal you crazy (probable) Scientologist! How else can you explain the supremely wack, deep things the guy says? Anyway, Delta was the only one who spun around for that guy. She actually said “Let’s jam out!” It was the best thing she’s ever said. She said it with the same vibe as that time my mum was singing “Gimme Some Kind Of Sign” by Peter Andre while ironing, years ago. So LOL. And I apologise but I’m being very distracted by the very loud debate about how Seal got his scars right now. Was it a dog attack? Lupus? Tribal scars? A gang attack? Teenage acne?
8:48 Just had a quick drink break so I missed the last two people. It’s a holiday tomorrow, guys.
8:50pm: Just conferred with twitter and the consensus is that Seal had lupus. Only Seal (and possibly Heidi Klum) knows the truth. The mystery lives on…
8:53pm: Angelo, one of the last performers of the night, is singing “Always” by Bon Jovi. Okay, he does not have Jon’s incomparable passion but he’s certainly giving it a good go. Joel spins his chair and lands Angelo Bon Jovi in his group. I can’t hear what the judges are hearing because the group of people I’m with are insisting on singing the rest of the song. They did not audition for The Voice, thank god, because it sounds pretty disgusting.
8:38pm: Joel now has a full dance card of contestants on his team, mostly hot babes and some young hip dudes, exactly as he had planned. Joel just texted me and said: ‘Gotta Gr8 team! C U n the F1nalz!’ Or he would if he had my number. He doesn’t strike me as a dude who would waste vowels.
9:03pm: So Seal is the only one not to complete his team.
9:07pm: The last contestant of the night is on and Seal picks her. I’m not going to pretend that anything dramatic informed his choice, I’m just glad the blind auditions are over.
Next time we meet we’ll have the “greatest voices in Australia” to analyse when they go head to head in the weird vocal battles. Best of all? The judges get new wardrobes! Till then…
