The Voice Australia kicked off last night with an episode packed with high drama, predictable reality tv singing contest tropes, and, yes, some shivers up the spine goddammit. Tonight’s second episode promises some real moments including an audition by GUY SEBASTIAN’S BROTHER?!?! and a talented girl who is legally blind. Shit’s gonna get crazy. Let the magic begin…
8:09pm: I love a good recap. Especially ones about Delta Goodrem not getting her way.
8:10pm: Alternate girl with bright red hair is on screen. They’ve filmed her in front of graffiti. URBAN!
8:13pm: Red’s name is Sarah. She’s singing Jessie J. Cha-ching cha-ching etc. She sounds fine, but no one’s world is being changed. Keith Urban, Delta and Benji/Joel/forgot-his-name all turned around. Seal didn’t. Keith is really selling the fact he was the first to turn around, but now Joel is pitching in saying how he instantly connected with her voice. Okay dude, then why didn’t you spin around until the final second?
8:18pm: Red/Sarah is in control! Everyone has had a bid (except Seal who is a very tasteful, nail varnish-wearing man) but she chooses Joel! Joel keeps killing it as the contestants choice of mentor because he keeps drawing people in with his alluring sleeve tatts and modern black hat that looks like it shrank from a cool grandpa’s collection. NEXT!
8:24pm: Get your emotions in check people. This guy was in a car wreck…
8:26pm: Okay… He’s singing Five For Fighting. It’s like The Fray five years ago! Magical. Delta, Seal and Keith turned around. The last thing I want to do is support Joel Madden’s taste, but the guy made a good decision by not spinning his chair for this exercise in average.
8:28pm: “He looks like the guy from Packed To The Rafters who looks like an Australian cricket player.” – my viewing partner Anna. My boyfriend replies with: “you mean Hugh Sheridan via Brett Lee?” I just sat back and typed their comments. Which are extremely accurate. He chooses Keith!
8:31pm: A slightly older woman named Gail gets on stage and cranks out some soul – “I put a spell on you” – on the lower register. Darren McMullen, the incredibly annoying host, is trying to convince Seal to put his hand on the buzzer. Stop it Darren you turd.
8:33pm: Once she has finished, Keith Urban carefully asks Gail “How long have you been singing?” which is a backhanded way of saying “you’re old”. Gail is chosen by no one. And no one has chosen Delta yet. Snicker.
8:40pm: A girl called Laura is up and is pale, pretty and interesting with a supportive husband who pats her hand. She’s very musical and sits at a piano. There’s no way she can possibly be good.
8:40pm: CHRIST ALIVE SHE’S SINGING EFFING “WUTHERING HEIGHTS” BY KATE FREAKING BUSH.
8:45pm: Okay Laura, I love that song because I’m a totally lame Kate Bush obsessive, but you did a very decent job on those top notes. It’s a hard song to sing. That’s what Seal just told me. He and Joel quickly spun around, while Delta got on board at the last minute. Delta just said “I’m so passionate about that type of music” which is Goodrem for “I’ve never heard that song because I’m a pest.”
8:45pm: Laura chooses Joel. Again. Joel now has a stable of songbird babes in his pocket. Delta has no one because she’s about as authentic as my gold Rolex.
8:50pm: BLIND GIRL IS UP! *Mentally prepare for pissing tears*
8:51pm: Correction: Blind girl is next up. After some other people. Fuck you, tv.
8:53pm: Another version of Australian cricket player Brett Lee is up! His name is Brett Clarke. BRETT LEE. MICHAEL CLARKE. BRETT CLARKE. (Give me a minute…)
8:54pm: Cricket hyrbid Brett Clarke is singing a Keith Urban song. Keith is the only one who turned around. “Great song choice!” he says. Keith, you fucking narcissist! Brett is stoked that he hit a proverbial six. And I’m incredibly sad that I’ve just made a deplorable cricket reference.
9:03pm: A pretty gal named Rebecca is singing Alicia Keys. Seal is passionately clicking his fluoro yellow nails. But no one is particularly moved by this chick. We’ve all heard some desperate lounge singer do this in a reality tv comp. When Joel turned around he was like “oh HELL no!” in disappointment upon seeing how good looking Rebecca is. Joel, the contest is called ‘The Voice’. Not ‘Hot Babes You Want To Hang With’. Get with the program mate.
9:06pm: Welcome to the comp, adorable carpet cleaning gay guy! I like his guyliner and intense eyes. He’s also chosen a good Rolling Stones tune. Keith Urban turns and is thrilled to pieces. So does Seal. So does Joel! I’m kind of surprised considering this guy, Ishrael, is cute and nice but he wasn’t all that. (I’ve started using expressions like “wasn’t all that”. Does anyone have a noose?)
9:16pm: Ishrael chose Seal! Probably because Seal was subtly flashing his yellow nail varnish in an act of solidarity of men-in-makeup.
9:21pm: Guy Sebastian’s brother is about to be on but I’m feeling VERY bummed that the blind girl is yet to appear this episode. BRB! Just getting a refill on my wine.
9:39: Delta was like “I would ask your name but I THINK I KNOW YYOUUUU!” My boyfriend said this in the best woman voice he knows, which sounds like Janice from The Muppets. Seal said “I didn’t know where you were at the start, but I did by the end” which does not make sense except in the supremely wack pop music industry vernacular.
9:31pm: Guy Sebastian’s brother chose Seal! Delta is reeling.
9:33pm: DELTA JUST LEFT HER SEAT*…
(*Delta is acting like an immature dick. She just had a tantrum because no one wants to be on her team. It’s like high school all over again.)
9:37pm: PRETTY BLIND GIRL IS HERE. She doesn’t want people to think of her as “the pretty blind girl” but… soz babe!
9:41pm: Holy shit. She is here, her name Rachel, and she is as enchanting as we had anticipated, singing goddamn “La Vie En Rose”. Everyone spun around. She doesn’t know. Because she is blind.
9:43pm: Is anyone else totally unmoved by Delta’s crocodile tears? Apparently Rachel falls for them because she is the first contestant to select Delta as their mentor.
9:46pm: Am I a karmic black hole if I say the only person impervious to Delta’s fake tears are a blind girl? If so, KIDDING Y’ALL! “Born To Try” is an anthem I live by. (Seriously though, next week I promise I’ll tone it down on Delta.)
Until the next episode, followers. Let’s hear your comments please.